What a joke rant ahead

My day yesterday was a joke. My anxiety was high when I had to go to town for food, I felt trapped unable to just get home when I wanted, waiting on the bus. I finally get close to home just a few minutes to walk. When I get a hi kelz. It was the new neighbours whom I’ve known for years. Wanting me over for a coffee. Feeling unable to say no I told them I’ll just drop my stuff home and be over. So I did and immediately they started drama I left as soon as possible feeling agitated.

Going to get my key from my pocket I realised with dread that they weren’t there. I had for the first time locked myself out. With the help of another neighbour I managed to break into my own home. All the time still texting that ex (much more to come from that).

The neighbour realising how agitated I was tried to calm and distract me. We sat down for a coffee when I suddenly realised instead of taking pain killers for my 3 day headache I’d instead taken my night meds. I’d never done this before.

So for the rest of the day I caught with a headache, bouts if high anxiety and trying to fend of the sleep my mind, body and pill my needed.

It was a frustrating day from start to finish. I now know I also need the be completely aware when taking my meds. It may have only been one but it sure messed with my system.

Hoping today will be easier

Day 205 of 365

Day 205 – just wanted to pop in and thank you gals n guys for the supportive messages the past few days I’ve really needed it and it has given me a little more strength. I’ve got so much I want to share both good and not so much. But I’m going to slowly ease myself back in the world :)

World of the living

Time to return to the world of the living. My therapist once told me something powerful. She said “imagine your at the cemetery you walk in lay the flowers, sit, remember, feel sad. Say goodbye to the sadness and keep living. She said “kelz my girl. You arrived at the grave and darling you never got up. You’ve lived in the sadness for to long. Time to get up. Time to decide. Your allowed to visit. But you must know its ok to place the flowers, walk away and be happy. You can return but you must leave.

I’ve been at that grave for a few weeks now. But I got up I got up and left. I know I’ll return. But I’m stronger then the last time. I’ll manage.

That’s the problem with depression. Man I sneaks up on you just a little at a time. Then slaps you in the face. Yelling na na na na laughing. But the difference now is I yell back I win na na na na.

It makes you aware of your choices. Be sad and do nothing. Or be sad and stand up and fight. I’ve been there where my choice was to stay at the grave because it was just to hard to walk away, get help, be happy. Now I choose for me to win not my depression

Butterflies have returned

Butterflies have returned as has the longing of what I can not reach. So close yet painful far. Two people wanting but not acting. Pushing aside the fact that the heart wants what the heart wants. Trying to forget but constantly reminded.

Day 203 of 365

Day 203 – today I’m trying to concentrate on the positive side of love rather then the negative. Powerful yet scary to allow ones self to be vulnerable to another person

Day 202 of 365

Day 202- hair dye is my positive. In the past if I’ve felt down I’ll dye my hair a new colour to boost my self up. While its not worked as well as normal, my moods risen a little. What little thing do you do to boost your self up?

Bitter sweet days

Yesterday Was bitter sweet day for me you see it was my ex partners birthday. We have been back in contact for six weeks (believe me there’s lots to the story with blogs post coming up). I’d decided to get him a little gift just a card lotto ticket (ongoing joke with us) and a keyring my daughter once told me he’d like. The plan was to text him just to say happy birthday. 204 texts later, so many things discussed and the day was over. Bitter sweet because while the amount of contact exceeded my expectations I didn’t get to see him. And I miss him. Today its worse. I wanted to make him his cake. I wanted to cook his birthday meal. I want to celebrate with him. As a family back together. Of course it didn’t happen. The had thing with me is that I didn’t realise it at the time but I had hopes for the day that weren’t ever able to be meet.