I grew up observing. Watching people. Attempting to learn. I always knew love wasnt a simple concept. Many layers of love, excitement, happiness, give n take, hope, dreams, pain. Break ups. Make ups. I swore never to fall in love. Never put myself in that hold. Fast fasterward. Not long after I turned 26 I meet him. Instant connection. Never believed in soul mates. I had some of the best times of my life. Back and forward. We separated. I was heart broken. Finally I said no more love isn’t enough. Now he’s been back in my life for three plus months. I want to tell him. Its still their I still am in love with him with every part of me. Surely he must know. Right? Still the chemistry, connection. Talking more openly and honest then ever before. Yet I stumble when I try to tell him. My own fears of complete utter rejection. I don’t know how to do it. How to tell him what i want. Despite 2 years of therapy. I can’t bring myself to say those three words. I want you. I need you. I love you. Never have I felt more emotionally stunted.
Today is different. I’ve woken with a can do attitude. One where I can face the world and everything it throws at me. Lately I’ve faced good and hard times. Epic happiness and to be frank scary lows. I’ve let opinions of those who don’t matter affect me. Someone wise just told me it time to show people your stronger then they think. He was so right I finally stood up for myself and my children. Ive lost people. Yet gain some I never in my wildest dreams couldve hoped for to be back. I’m head over heals in love. This may not be the best thing as he doesn’t know. But I’m in love. My children have the man who’s been there daddy back and I have my boys in my life. Im a bundle of nerves and happiness.
Day 206 – looking on the bright side blue skies, crisp light winds and climbing temperature. The makings for a beautiful day in new zealand
My day yesterday was a joke. My anxiety was high when I had to go to town for food, I felt trapped unable to just get home when I wanted, waiting on the bus. I finally get close to home just a few minutes to walk. When I get a hi kelz. It was the new neighbours whom I’ve known for years. Wanting me over for a coffee. Feeling unable to say no I told them I’ll just drop my stuff home and be over. So I did and immediately they started drama I left as soon as possible feeling agitated.
Going to get my key from my pocket I realised with dread that they weren’t there. I had for the first time locked myself out. With the help of another neighbour I managed to break into my own home. All the time still texting that ex (much more to come from that).
The neighbour realising how agitated I was tried to calm and distract me. We sat down for a coffee when I suddenly realised instead of taking pain killers for my 3 day headache I’d instead taken my night meds. I’d never done this before.
So for the rest of the day I caught with a headache, bouts if high anxiety and trying to fend of the sleep my mind, body and pill my needed.
It was a frustrating day from start to finish. I now know I also need the be completely aware when taking my meds. It may have only been one but it sure messed with my system.
Hoping today will be easier
Day 205 – just wanted to pop in and thank you gals n guys for the supportive messages the past few days I’ve really needed it and it has given me a little more strength. I’ve got so much I want to share both good and not so much. But I’m going to slowly ease myself back in the world :)
Time to return to the world of the living. My therapist once told me something powerful. She said “imagine your at the cemetery you walk in lay the flowers, sit, remember, feel sad. Say goodbye to the sadness and keep living. She said “kelz my girl. You arrived at the grave and darling you never got up. You’ve lived in the sadness for to long. Time to get up. Time to decide. Your allowed to visit. But you must know its ok to place the flowers, walk away and be happy. You can return but you must leave.
I’ve been at that grave for a few weeks now. But I got up I got up and left. I know I’ll return. But I’m stronger then the last time. I’ll manage.
That’s the problem with depression. Man I sneaks up on you just a little at a time. Then slaps you in the face. Yelling na na na na laughing. But the difference now is I yell back I win na na na na.
It makes you aware of your choices. Be sad and do nothing. Or be sad and stand up and fight. I’ve been there where my choice was to stay at the grave because it was just to hard to walk away, get help, be happy. Now I choose for me to win not my depression
Day 204 – the simple act of receiving a text from someone I can’t get out of my mind. It came at the perfect time. As I was feeling so alone and forgotten about by many.
Butterflies have returned as has the longing of what I can not reach. So close yet painful far. Two people wanting but not acting. Pushing aside the fact that the heart wants what the heart wants. Trying to forget but constantly reminded.
Day 203 – today I’m trying to concentrate on the positive side of love rather then the negative. Powerful yet scary to allow ones self to be vulnerable to another person