Between comps, 11 days away and chef keeps changing my entry and is pushing me to far. My baby had her 1st therapy session on her own and it was hard and drained her completely, felt I should’ve kept her home with me instead of sending her to the place she’s bullied, but laws make her go to school. Then my boys been mucked around by his teacher with the comp and I’m having to scramble to Get everything he needs in time. My hubby’s backs playing up and sadly despite me trying not to. I’m a cranky insecure and not nice to be around. And he has to pick up the pieces.

Why the hell do I over complicate life to damn much. I do it for myself


Good bitches baking

Super excited I first heard about good bitches baking earlier in the year. They’re a charitable trust which started 3 years again by two mum’s wanting to give back. So they started baking and gifting it to those in need or having a tough time. Like hospitals, women’s refuge, mental health etc. Well last night I signed up. I’m now a volunteer ggb. You can choose to bake as often as you like I’ll start monthly for now. Just feels good to give a little back in a creative way

Happy Mama’s day

The cake I made my mama for mother’s day. A tradition of making her a cake each year 6th year. Progressed so much since the first year. Seven layers of chocolate cake with raspberry and butter cream. Handmade roses, flowers and leafs.

Trying to focus on our positives and there is

So many. I said to hubby the other night how can I be so miserable yet so happy. It’s odd. There’s so many pressures atm yet my positives do by far out weigh them. I’m finding it is helping to write again. Just to let it out. Regardless of if people read my blog or respond. It’s give me an outlet. In many ways it’s something away from life, pressures, school, work. Yet it’s about those things. When I write I just write. I don’t correct anything I’ve written, I don’t spell check, I don’t give a fuxk about Grammer haha couldn’t spell fuck and I don’t care hehe. I’m off to bed been a huge day and another tomorrow. But then I get family time. I get to bake and decorate my Mama’s mother’s day cake and we have Mama’s day on Sunday. From Tuesday life will be crazy. But you know what as hubby told me the other morning I’ve got this and we’ve got this.

Thank God for therapy right

Saw my therapist yesterday, had a complete melt down, tears, angry, hurt. I told her all my fears I’d kept hidden within myself. Realising I do have a good support network. I was triggered walking in to the building where Im getting my daughter help. Because when I’d been under them last. I had my break down, 2 attempts on my life and self harm. Due to my mental health I lost care of my kids, through false allegations and it took me months of fighting to get them home with me. I need to work on processing it and putting it back in its place. After therapy my girl asked me to hide my knifes so she can’t hurt herself (I’m a chef). As a family we talked through things. Then I broke down with hubby. But I realised he’s scared to, feels helpless. I’m not alone. I felt alone but I’m not. We as a family banded together. We as a family face this together not appart. It’s the start of a long journey but we’ve got each other. I’m not on my own with this. It’s not all on my shoulders. God I needed that. I needed to just break for a moment so I could regroup. While all the feelings are still there I’m feeling a sense of relief to

It’s not like I didn’t already feel like a bad mum

And she just added to it. I went to drop my daughter off at school, have a catch up with her teacher. First comment. Oh wow you’ve not been here for a long time. No shit Sherlock. I’m a full time student, my child goes to care when I’m in class. I have commitments I need to keep. Once again she brushed aside my daughter struggling with her learning.

I felt I should let the school know about my darling struggling with the thoughts of hurting herself. Explain I’m setting up therapy. And that she may need a hour or so off school a week to attend. This was fine. She then asked if it’s because of being in care. Four days a week she booked in for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. But only goes when I’m in class. More often then not she’s not there before school and picked up early. Then proceeded to tell me my child knows to much of my problems and I need to learn not to talk in front of her and stop telling her my feelings. I told her clearly that I will keep telling her when hubby and I have our group and therapy. I will tell her if I’m feeling happy, angry or sad. She pushed that I tell her what I discuss in therapy. Absolutely fucken not. We tell her that we go to learn tools to help us in our futures, that it’s ok to be open and talk about how we feel. That it’s a strength not weakness to seek help if one needs it. I don’t give her details of what’s talked about because she’s a bloody kids. I already hold guilt for what’s she’s going through. A mama should be able to protect her child from this kind of pain. I missed signs once again. And didn’t know it was so bad. Logically I know it’s not my fault and I didn’t cause it. But emotionally I feel like it is. Bow this damn emotionally uneducated teacher has pushed the blame onto me. I’m a mum and wife first. I study full-time and work to better our future. I’m a present mum, I’m emotionally available, I’m physically there. And this bitch is fucken clueless. My 9 year old is thinking of hurting herself. That’s self harm. Dangerous scarey life changing. I will fight for her. I just am blow away

Anxietys a bitch

Lately my anxiety has been flaring up. I’m starting to feel down. My moods are so flat. I’m unreasonable, and unfair. But I’m trying really hard to pull myself out of it. I’m feeling under so much pressure. I’m not sure how to balance life. I work hard at school I feel like I’m away from family. I’m hanging with family but worry I’m not taking care of them well enough. As expected school’s intense. 20 days to major comps. A 6 course dessert dego a week later. On top of false accusations of being a bully and having to face the woman daily. Mum just had her one year cancer specialist, thankfully still cancer free but scarey. Hard watching mum still emotionally struggling. Then my baby girl. Looks like she starts therapy in the next few weeks, hard emotionally to organise and it’s hit me hard and I see hubby’s struggling. We’re waiting for the hospital to contact hubby about tests for sleep apnea, I worry bout him I can’t help it he’s my darling. Then my boy has his follow up to find out if he has glycoma with his eyes. Then on top of that out of the blue I got call from the hospital saying they want to see me for my follow up on 3 breast cancer scares. I just don’t want to deal with it.

I struggle then I get guilt for not being there properly for my hubby n kids. Then I try pull myself up, n something else hits me. And I feel bad again. I’m over headaches all but daily. I’m over physically every day. I’m tired of being tired.

I’ll pick up I don’t have any other choice. But damn to many bloody elephants

She’s still only a baby

My baby girl. She’s only 9 years old. Our darling has struggled with being bullied severely over the years, struggles with school, now with this autoimmune skin disorder vitiligo. Our darling feels so hard, heart on her sleeve. She cares to much what others think of her. She has compassion, love empathy. She’s a fixer. We’re spending time teaching her to stand up for herself, to be a strong independent girl. To accept herself. To teach her skills to do well in life even though she struggles with schooling, that’s she’s still brilliant. That she’s beautiful and loved.

Today I feel as her mum I’ve let her down. Lately she has been getting scared at night, nightmares, fears, suddenly sleeping with the door open. I comfort her as does my hubby. But we’ve realised it’s becoming a pattern. So are being firm. Today she was sent upstairs to relax. We’ve just got her a princess bed and re done her room so she can relax in her bedroom and play. I hear her sobbing. I call her and she says she’s fine. I call her again. She tells me she’s scared to be on her own. Last term kids were telling her scary story’s (bloody Mary was one) she said she knows they’re not real but they scare her. She then asks me to take and hide her pin crafts grandma bought her. I asked why and she told me she is scared she she’s thinking about hurting herself. I’m shocked by this and immediately get protective. She gave me the pins n beads and I tucked them away. Hubby and I talked to her to try to get a better understanding on what’s going on. She gives us examples. When she’s physically hurt by the bullies, she gets so angry, but doesn’t want to hurt them. Instead thinks of hurting herself. She said she doesn’t want to but keeps thinking it. Another example when she thinks of the scary story’s, she wants to stop thinking it to make it go away. When she can’t, she thinks about hurting herself. I really had not idea she was thinking this. We’re in tune and talk often. About everything, thoughts, feelings life. She can come to us and she does.

I’m scared for her, the talk of thoughts of harming herself scare me. Hubby and I talked we’re going to the doctor’s, to get a referral to cafs and birthright which is physiocgist for child. I’ll push for her to get help. She is open to talking to a therapist.

It just scares me. I have a past of self harm and attempts, my hubby does, my mum’s has bipolar. Many people I know struggle with mental health. My 15 year old son has anxiety. I was talked to about 4 years ago, bpd (my dignosis) can be hereditary. She has many of the same traits I do. We’re identical as kids. I want to help her and protect her from this pain. This cruel world. How does the most beautiful little girl struggle so young with things adults can begin to process.

When I reached out for help as a young teen, I wished someone took me seriously and got me help. I won’t let her down again I’ll fight to get this precious child support and tools. I’m not going to watch mental health distory my child like it nearly did me and my hubby.

God I just want to hold her and never let go