This is getting bloody ridiculous

Seriously I’m so tired and drain yet I just can’t seem to sleep. The past few nights it’s been after 3am when I’ve fallen asleep. Now it’s 12:30am, whilst I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained I can’t seem to sleep. I’ve tried relaxing. Getting heaps of things done, house work, baking, cooking, awesome time with my kids, calls with my hubby. I’ve listened to my mindfulness meditation apps. 3 different ones over and over. I’ve tried just trying to sleep. I could lie and pretend I have no idea what’s causing my latest sleep issues, but reality I know exactly what I is. Despite make positive memories on hard dates. Positive thinking. All that crap. I swear I envy those who can lay down at night and fall in to a restful, dream free sleep. To wake feeling rested and alert. I should be use to it. Instead I logged on to here and ramble on.

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Making new memories on a day the brings sadness

This time a year ago our life as we built it changed. For me unexpected, scary, heartbreaking. I don’t want to rehash it right now. But I finally fell asleep at 3:30ish this morning after tosing and turning playing into my fear and anxiety I woke this morning. To a call from my hubby. He’s away for work and I’m struggling with it. He was ringing just to tell me he loved me and will be back. The word’s that mean the most to me in our marriage. Then it dawned on me something my hubby told me last week. We need to make new memories on days that have been hard in the past. So today instead of focusing on all the thoughts screaming around my head I’m going to focus on good things. We’re going to a jewellery party then this evening I’m taking my mama and kids to a kids Christmas lights. I went to as a kid. So heres to making an effort to change my mindset and keep focusing on the future

Blessed

For the first time in a long time I feel like we’ve had real positives as a whole family today. Smiles, support, encouragement, contributing, plans, understanding, thanks, and so much more. But most of all progress. 

Such a proud moment to have tears of happiness instead of fear. I have so much hope for the future

I have a wicked sense of deja vu

How ever I truly hope it’s my fears not my reality. I guess only time will tell. I’m low I found some hard truths today that just proved again I’m clueless at picking up sign from those im closet to. Oh well time to go do some mindfulness meditation and attempt sleep. And hope like hell I wake tomorrow with a fresh prospective. It hurts being triggered so much from past events that I can’t change or fix. Not can I prevent them from happening again. I have to allow others to find there footing, feel their emotions and process in there own ways. Even though it’s tearing my heart in a million pieces. So so many unanswered questions. Sometimes life just feels that no matter how hard I try to succeed as a wife, a mama , a student and chef that it’ll never be good enough, that as soon as I feel positive the negatives slide in. 

I did it!!! I’ve graduated

From teen Mom, highschool dropout. To proud wife, mama of two and chef graduate. After 12 months I’ve finally finish my chef training level four. Going onto my level 5 diploma next year. So proud to finally have achieved an good education. I’ve always been to scare to try. But I passed with 20 out of 24 practical dishes first attempt, merits and distinction in theory. Thank God for my hubby and kids. They’ve put up with so much, me been gone for hours, days between full time study and work. Me being distracted, tried, emotional.  I’ve done this for me, but them as well. I do worry I’ve been gone from them to much. I’m looking forward to spending time together as a family, one on one time with the kids and quality time with my sailor. Just one day into my break I’ve realised how tired the kids are, it’s been a huge year for them, to much heartache. And today I’ve seen how much my hubby is struggling. In many ways I feel he’s doing so well, working so hard with the gardens and our future, providing emotional support, kind, loving. But it dawned on me he is struggling. I know I’ve contributed to it. That makes me sad. We can all have our tough days, I just really hope he knows I’m truly here for him. Not to judge him, or to try fix things. But to walk beside him, support him. I let him down a year ago but never again. I’m grateful I’ve finished school for the year. I can finally concentrate on being a good wife and mama. 

Death

Please hug your babies a little tight, tell you partner you love them. Ring your mama or dad. Don’t go to sleep angry. Life as you know it can be over in a flash. Last week I found out my ex mother in law passed away. The world I’ve created for myself is changed and due to not wanting to opening old hurt for my ex-step children I stayed away from the funeral. She wasn’t part of my life anymore but she was for a long time. I have a lot of respect for the woman who hard a life that would’ve broken us. I had put her death into a box. Looking at my positives my new life, my loyalty and live is for my husband, my children, my mum. Plodding along this we’re good. Until today when I got a message from my 15 yr old son. All it said was “mum”. Then he told me he found out his best friend who changed schools last year had died yesterday. I raced to my baby he was with the school counselor. He saw me and just cried and let me hug him. His friend was only 15. And he’s dead. He was chilling with 2 mates a few weeks ago, no drugs or drinking. 2 boys went to make something to eat and came back to this child unconscious. They preformed CPR and called an ambulance. He was taking to hospital, and put on life support. Yesterday his parents had to make the devastating decision to turn of his life support. They believe it was a unknown heart problems. The scary part this child had talked for a few years about suicide. It’s broken my son he’s blocked it. Pretending like nothing’s changed. Its self protection. He’s talked to me. But I don’t know what to say. I want to protect him but I can’t. A mama should protect. It’s brought up so much. We have had in many ways a fantastic year. But the trumia we have suffered has been horrific. I nearly lost both my mum and husband this year, had two cancer scares, my daughter bullied severely,  and normal life. And now at 15 fucken years old my son has lost his best friend. Yup life’s not fucken fair. I just want to protect those closer to me and I can only watch as they go through there struggles. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry instead I have to study as I’m graduating in 5 weeks. I really need that magic wand about now.

No longer a single mama

This week it’s dawned on me that for the 1st time in nearly 15 years old being a mama to my beautiful babies. That Im not longer a single/solo mama. Things are so strong with my hubby. My generous, loving, incredible sailor. Not only do I feel feel supported, but I know my kids do to. It’s an amazing feeling. I never thought I’d feel like this. I always thought I’d feel like a single mum. Doing get me wrong I loved being me and the kids. But knowing i not only have my hubby back. But we have him back. I feel we’re strong now then ever before. We had some of the most heart breaking times. And I no doubt we’ll have tough times. But I now know we’re in this together. I’ve never felt more content, more supported, more loved. Tears are welling up at the pure happiness and pride I have in my hubby, our kids and myself. Life is magical. 

When so much of my life is going great, there always seems to be something going wrong

My family is amazing, supportive, loving and incredible. I’m in school training to be a chef. I’m beyond loving it. Doing so well in the practicals. I’ve completed work experience. Nearly completed the presentation for it. I thought I had a handle on the theory until last week when despite studying I massively failed a test. I got a resit and ended up passing. 

Problem I’ve have 2 tests, a major theory exam, 6 hour practical, a 45 page assessment, a small assessment. We have 8 weeks to graduation. 2 weeks are holidays. 

I’m behind in housework. I’m not spending enough time with my kids or hubby. I’m in over my head. I feel stupid and dumb. I just spent an hour going over one assessment, and was lost. My big assessment I don’t know where to begin. The only thing I have confidence in is my practicals. 

Everyone around me is telling me I’ve got this, I can do it, etc. But I don’t feel like I at this stage have any chance of passing the theory or even graduating. I’m looking at getting tutor help. But prob being I can’t until we’re back from holidays and 2 assessments are due the first week back.

Ive tried breaking it down into steps rather then the whole thing at once. But I feel like I’m reading over and over and not retaining the information. I can answer the questions vocally. But putting words on paper ends up muddled. I can read and write well. But it’s not translating. I feel like I’m sinking backwards. 

I just want to be a chef. To be successful. Instead I’m sitting here feeling destined to fail. 

Feeling a weight has been lifted

A few days ago felt like something shifted. A weight has been lifted. Things seemed more settled at home. Little things have eased my fears for the moment. Truly grateful for this. I really needed a break from my own mind. Yesterday my sailor went away for work. It’s weird. I got so use to him being home for a month. Now he’s off on another adventure for a week. As much as I’m missing him. I’m also so proud of him. This past week he has blown me away in so many ways. He’s shown me a strength that I admire. The road to wellness can be a bumpy one. Highs and lows. But when change happens it brings a sense of Hope and pride. To see your best friend facing challenges in such positive and determined ways brings a sense of happiness. I wish my words could express how I’m feeling. Knowing he’s allowing me to walk by his side as he faces the highs and lows of life and all it brings. It makes all worth it. I’m a proud wife and so grateful to my sailor