When not everything 

Is in my head. When gut instincts are correct. When there’s tension between those you love. When changes are meet with resintance. When you know life will never be perfect, nor do you expect it to be. When you feel the fimilar slide of life and it tears at you heart. When you feel like you can’t win. And despite your best efforts you realise that if change does not happen this could all be the beginning of the end…

My mind won’t stop

What ifs

What if I had picked up the signs earlier?

What if I hadn’t found him again?

What if my fears do happen?

What if I royally fuck it all up?

What if I miss signals?

What if my minds is playing tricks on me?

I feel under pressure. I saw my therapist this morning. She thinks I’m doing well. Acknowledging my fears. Realising that I did everything. Pushing forward. Opening up to people about how I’m feeling. But she gets me thinking. She asks so many questions. Yup that’s her job but sometimes it’s to hard. I don’t have many answers. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. Studying, working, family, our home. I love my family more then anything. I don’t want to lose them by pushing to hard on my career. They’re nothing but supportive, and there for me. It’s short term with such huge hours. But I get home and look at my hubby. My feelings overwhelm me. I missed him so much whene he was gone. That feeling that I’d never get him back. Laying there at night Wondering where he was, if he was safe. I have nightmares. That I’d never found him again. That id found him and he didn’t want to know me. I have horrific ones which lead me to have anxiety. I’m working through them. Dealing with triggers. They’re my issue I know. Ive made so many mistakes in the past and I feel so selfish taking all this time for me. What if I’m away from home so much my hubby feels like he’s not my proiety. What if I’m away so much my kids start resenting me. What if my hubby feels I’m leaving the kids with him to much. Why can’t I find the balance. I barely see my mum or bestmate anymore. I always tired. I love my course and want to be a fully qualified chef. I’m so close but I’m scared I’ll lose everything else I’ve work for years for. I try to express how I’m feeling but words don’t translate what’s going on in my head. I’m sitting here after working 2 nights and again tomorrow. And I’m close to tears. Made it’s tiredness maybe it’s pms. Maybe I’ve taking to much on. Maybe I shouldve focused on being the best wife and mum I could be. Instead of sitting here feeling like I’m failing my husband and children. 

This week’s creations. 

All made from scratch

My Danish pastry

My puff and ruff puff pastry

Mushroom, chicken and bacon risotto

Chicken roulade with a potato puree and mushroom sauce, made with the help of my son

And my newset toy

My pasta

My first Bailey’s and white chocolate cheese cake

It’s been an emotional week from me. I’ve felt tired. Worked out I’m pulling 50-60 hour weeks between school, work and work experience. I feel like my family’s missing out. But they’ve been incredibly supportive. I decided to look at my positives I’m taking school seriously I want to not only be proud of myself. But I’m also wanting to make my family proud. To show them that there patience has been worth it. Because at the end of the day it’s family first. I’d give it all up in a heartbeat. But I’m grateful I can do what I love and am passionate about and still have my hubby and kids by my side.

Writing helped

Last night releasing my thoughts calmed me a little. One bonus about being so busy is I’m finally sleeping bit better. I woke today thinking about a conversation with my sailor. He’s one that doesn’t remember his dreams. But one he did. We we’re both in it looking at land. In life we are working so hard towards our future. To buy land, build. Extending Hubby’s gardening business. Me studying, to finally be qualified as a chef. To open my own container cafe. To teach the kids. Things like his dream just push me in the right direction. Despite everything the hardships things are coming together. I look at my husband and know without a doubt I made the right choice to keep fighting for us. I wish it hadn’t happened but the past few month seeing us coming together stronger makes it worth it. I still have questions. But seeing the bonds grow is magic. Its like him n my boy have a stronger bond now then  Before. I have a confidence with our relationship and family unit that I didn’t have before. Its made me strong as a women and in turn as a wife and mother. 

So much fear

My life has been crazy busy. So much good is happening I’ll update soon. But there’s something I feel dragging me down. I went for my check up with the specialist, after my scare when a doctor found I had a breast lump. Turns out was a cyst. So going to this appointment I didn’t think to take anyone. I thought it would be a straight forward follow up. But found out some troubling things. I had another exam and they found  tissue changes. Don’t know how to explain it. All I remember is the doc say 75% breast density, tissue changes, pre cancer. Biopsy and ultra sound to find out if its cancer. 100% not a cyst, family history, mum had breast cancer, genes testing. 32 years old. I left and rung my husband straight away. He was brilliant. I had to go to work but went to get him straight after. Spoke to my mum. Told my best mate. Hid it from my kids. 

What gets me the most is the look, the change in tone. Everyone has done this, the doc, hubby, mum, my tutor who I had to tell as I’ll not be able to work in the kitchen. No one can tell me its all going to be ok and I desperately need to hear that. Even tho I know until the biopsy on Monday n results no one knows. Everyone of the small amount of people who know are being incredibly supportive. They telling me no matter the results I’ll be ok. Last time everyone was more positive , saying it was likely a cyst. Now none is saying it. My mum has said its a nightmare. I dont want to put her through this stress shes still dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer. My bestmates had tears and freaked out over it, my therapist who’s usually so quick to build me up was lost for words. My darling man has been there for me every step. He’s away for work but busing back Monday and fingers crossed his bus will arrive on time so he can meet me afterwards. I dont want to put him through this. I just got him back. He’s doing so well, we’re a unit again. I wanted things calmer for him, I don’t want to put him through extra hard times. I’m grateful he’s not seeing my tears ATM. 

This time what ever is in me is different. The specialist said he wanted me seen within a month. The referral was sent and then return to the dhb for consideration. It was a long weekend and I was rung with the appointment time. 2 and a half weeks from being seen. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful, but I scared of why I’m being pushed through so quickly. Not normal to my knowledge. 

I was in denial. Now I can’t get back to denial. I want to until I have to face the tests. My guts saying prepare. My hearts breaking and my mind is desperately trying to be positive. Everyone’s reactions furthers my fear that I maybe facing cancer. Even if its not. The doctor has said this is the begfining of regularly testing for the rest of my life. 

Why should I be facing a real cancer scare at my age. I’m just getting my shit together, my career, my marriage, my kids, our lives. Why now. Why not when I’m 70 and lived a long life. Why did I waste so much time. I’m scared beyond belief. I can’t run from this nor hide. Icant run from myself. I can’t protect the people I love most in this world. I want to go into do the tests on my own. My mum will take care of my kids. Hubby will meet me after. No one seems to understand why I need to go in by myself. If I here those words you have cancer I need to do it on my own. So I can pull myself together and support those supporting me. I can’t explain the need for this. I get people don’t want me alone. But its so out of control this is the one thing I can control. I need that. And I need not to have cancer

Feeling really sad tonight

Everything is a work in progress which I understand and respect. I just can’t help but want to speed up the process. I want to continue to build the foundation to a great life. Open discussion and honestly is a must. Its so important. Hearing others truly hearing them. Being mindful with my responses. Allowing others to feel heard and accepted. Trying to keep a level head when I hear things I’d rather not. Things that hurt me even though I’m grateful for the truth. I’m feeling pulled between wanting to acknowledge events that have happened, yet knowing I’ll never truly have the answers I feel I need for closure. Im not ready to ask those questions that can not undo the hurt. Yet left unsaid is keep the wound gaping and raw. My need to protect myself and others is putting strain on life. Yet I can’t face that I can’t protect those I love from the experiences they have and will face. 

Counting my blessings

Tonight I rung my mama. She sounds so scared, one of her wound sites was sore and swollen. Worried she went straight to the doctors. Luckily everything was ok and they’ll monitor her 🙂

I was lucky enough t catch up with hubby, mum, my best mate. So happy to have some laughs. I asked my man to price a few buckets I needed and when he got back he said he’d forgotten. Ok so no biggy. Then he comes out with 2 purple buckets. I know its silly but I’ve wanted them for ages and I was super happy.

I had a trigger though. Putting me instantly on edge. The police turned up at my neighbours. I went into instant protect my hubby mode. Silly because he’s a grown man but I was scared it may trigger him cause they caused so much hell for us. Bit once again my hubby showed me I don’t need to do it. He’s come so far n makes me so proud.

Yesterday I was feeling unwell. I had the beginning of a migraine. By early evening it had hit hard. Hubby had to head back to where he’s staying but after my girl tucked mummy into bed, he cuddled up with me and covered me with his shirt. Giving me such comfort. I woke in time to put my girl to bed, grateful my son had looked after his sister and made her dinner. I’d looked in the fridage and found sailor had brought us a few bottles of milk cause we were low. I end up vomiting and struggling but still had comfort from hubby via phone.

Woke this morning feeling so much better. My 8 year old proudly showed me the to do list she’d written. My hubby had worked on the gardens. While my son without being asked cleaned up the kitchen, his room, cut his hair n cleaned up n had a shower.

Took hubby back to his place we stopped in at the hardware store. It felt like old times joking and playing around. He treated me to this matting stuff I’ve needed. I told him just because I say I want something doesn’t me I expect to get it. It reminds me of when we we’re first dating and he brought me art pencils. Its not about the stuff but the fact he actually listens and remembers. Its all the small things that he does, not buying stuff but everything. His thoughtfulness, his laughter, his love that made me stick by him, all that pain and uncertainty, is worth it. To know I 100% made the right choice to wait for this man. I may not have gone the right ways about it but our love kept me going. And he and us is worth everything.

I had a awesome conversation with my son tonight which put me at ease with how he’s feeling.

And Im just sitting here thankful for the little things I have. 

When you don’t click

With your new therapist :/ I’ve been twice. I’ll go next week, but unless there’s a vast difference I’ll have to change people. Story of my life. Try to keep well and it doesn’t work. My family therapist and I discussed given it a real go, open, honest, real. To not judge, be open to a new way of a new person. I went in positive but left dispointed. 

Maybe I’m in the wrong, I knew I don’t trust, especially with the past six months of being let down from mental health n doctors. 

Talking to Nicki (the family therapist) I spoke to her about a few concerns from last week and I’ll debrief again tomorrow. But last week I struggled with the lack of Josie’s (new therapists) lack of eye contact. She constantly looked away when she spoke or I was talking. I also left there feeling detached. She like my hubby said that can be normal to be matter of fact with first sessions. Nicki asked me to be a little more open with my struggles to give her the chance to help. Because I have a way of appearing in control and well that I may need to let my walls down. Also talk to her about the eye contact.

So I get there. Head in. She asked about my week. Told her the good ie my mums cancer free. Also the struggles I feel while my Hubby’s at work, my boys eye sight, my girls broken arm, not being able to relax or unwind. She’s replied sounds like a good positive week then. I got my back up, please tell me how my son may have major issues with his eye sight is positive, my baby could fucken go blind. And while trying to express how I feel about mums health, she kept bringing it back to her friend who had cancer????

Anyways I pushed forward keeping calm. And thought right I’m gonna push this women she what she’s made off. So I starting talking about my experiences when I was in contact with my hubby. And she started talking again about her sons struggles with mental health. I observe people a lot so I was watching her closely. She won’t give me eye contact, she looked every where but no eye contact. I found her checking her watch and the clock on the wall to the point I felt uncomfortable. And constant fidgeting with her hands. 

One thing that really got to me was her wording with a few things. I was taking about my experiences having attempted suicide and the past few months with hubby. And her words shocked me. She said it was “hard case”. As in funny haha hard case. 

I stayed for the session but left feeling confused. Especially since she ended the session with just stay positive. No actual advice or guidance to anything I’m going through. And how is any thing I’m going through ” hard fucken case”

Hell am I just being difficult. Or have I been lumped with another idiot? Am I wrong not to give a flying fuck about her son or friends. I don’t need nor want to spend more time talking about them then the reason I’m there. Am I wrong to believe a therapist should be encouraging me to work through my issues. To face things. To offer advice to ideas I can put in place to work through it all. This is why I wanted a phycologist or however you spell it. Not some councilor who doesn’t know there arse from there elbow. I wanted and need someone who’s trained in mental health, who have an understanding of bpd, breakdowns, being hospitalised, suicide, self harm. Maybe someone who may know a little about dbt. 

I just feel I’ve opened up to yet another person who’s clueless yet isn’t professional even to admit if a case is to difficult. Or they don’t have the training require to treat someone with my experiences. 

I feel let down by the system yet again. I just want to be able to truly open up and get some guidance. After all I’m only trying to work on me, my future, and be the best mum and wife I can be, to support my hubby in the right ways to be by his side as he finds his way through this maze. To be strong for my kids. To vent so I can let my fears for my son out safely not scare him. 

And what cracks me up its my first night off by myself. and I feel so lost with out my kids and sailor here. 

Second night 

Of not being able to sleep. And I’m super frustrated. Days I’m doing ok, good even. I’m getting ahead with the house and studies. I’ve spent time with my kids. I have my younger cousin staying so cooked a yummy dinner, first time making chicken diane. Was delicious. Talked to hubby earlier. He sounds like he’s having a good time away at work. I’m missing him like crazy but happy he’s happy. 

My mum got her final clearance from the cancer specialist today. She doesn’t have to go back for a year. Crazy to think 2 and a half months ago she was told she had breast cancer and now thabks to her radical treatment with surgery she’s free of cancer. I’m stoked.

My girl goes to the hospital tomorrow to get a new full cast on. She’s doing well but frustrated she can’t do what she normally does. Looking forward to hearing exactly where the break is and how long she’s going to have the cast for.

Last month I finally got glasses. Needed them from about 16. I decided together my kids eyes tested. My girls are fine and she doesn’t need glasses. However toke my son today. And I was shocked to say the least. He needs glasses which he’s ok about. As part of a government scheme for under 16 year olds we are lucky he gets two pairs neqrlly $700 worth for free. What’s got me worried is as a child he had a slight lazy eye. It seems to have corrected itself. But today we discovered he still has issues with that eye. When he focuses instead of both eyes looking in, his left flicks out. That parts fixable. He has daily exercises to correct it which I’m grateful. One of the main reasons I wanted them check was because he’s regularly getting headaches. The optometrist was really concerned because they’re only at the front left behind his eye. She is worried about (excuse my spelling) him have glaucoma. Essentially a condition that can cause him to go blind in that eye. She did further tests which were ok. But she’s strongly advised that I get him check again in 3 months. Because she can’t explain the headaches. And she said while he’s not common this young its def not unheard of. Just worries me. I’m feeling guilt that it’s taken so lo g to take him in. I should’ve years ago, but didnt realise. I don’t want my son to go blind in that eye full stop. But if he does cause of my inactions just is eating me up. 

I’ve got a night of from my kids tomorrow. But like the past 6 months I don’t get a break. I have therapy then hospital for my girl. The next morning therapy again then work. And Hubby’s away and not back till friday. I’m desperate for a real break. I haven’t had one in the time without having school, therapy, work, and everything else. I’m trying to be strong for everyone. But I miss taking care of myself and for a night not having to worry about anything.

One day…..