Nerves, happiness and excitment

Firstly survived the 2+ month school holidays. My daughter turned 7 a few days ago and back to school today, she was a little bundle of nerves. My baby boy starts high school tomorrow. Bitter sweet. While I’m so proud of the man he’s becoming (yes terrible teens to) at the same time I’m happy, part of me is sad. My little boy is no more, high school, scholarship exams, friends, life. Its changing, he still let’s me give him a kiss n cuddle good night etc. Still communicates, spends time together. But he’s becoming independent young man. The tables have turned.

In less then two weeks its my n my fiancé 1st anniversary!!!! Can’t wait.  We got engaged back in October and agreed I’d get my engagement ring which he’s designed and getting made a one of a kind ring on our anniversary. Two days later his birthday and valentine’s day. He’s not one for birthdays. But I told him he’s having one, getting spoilt n he has no choice lol

Big changes, happy times, love n excitement and nerves

Time for mindfulness

To re enter my life. Again its 1:30am and I’m wide awake. So as kind of a refresher for my dbt therapy I’ve just download a mindfulness meditation app on my phone. Normal skills are not helping nor is medication my doctor prescribed a week ago. So time to dig time and remember my skills. I’m facing a lot of challenges due to severe lack of sleep and horrible vivid nightmares when I do. But am hopeful as I return to my therapy skills. I’m also going to try to write more here as a way of expressing myself.

Finally

My fiancé is waiting for the bus to come home. 9 days away for work its the longest weve been apart. It’s been a roller coaster of a week, I’ve felt every emotion this week, I trust him, I’ve missed him, I felt fear he won’t return, jealously, anger that he leaves, finally joy he’s returning. I feel guilt for my worries, he’s always come home, never given me reason not to trust him. Yet my mind went to dark places this week. I think its time to get extra support. Because I won’t allow old patterns not my past to ruin the future with us.

Missing him

My fiancé is away for work again. While I’m grateful we got to spend new years eve and wake up together new years day. I’m sad that hes gone. To be honest things had been really strained between us for a while and we were pulling ourselves out of the funk. Then he has to leave for a week. I’m finding him going more and more challenging. We’ve talked about it. I know why he’s going and respect his work and time out. Its proberly  a good thing, teaches us not to take each other for granted, space for ourselves and never hurts to miss someone. But doesn’t make it easier. I’m excited for the year ahead. For us. Our family. Our plans. Maybe I’m being stupid. But I feel so lost today. Just want to hear his voice. Hold each other. I wanted to go with him for a few days but as yet hasn’t happened. I don’t want to resent the situation but I wish he wasn’t going a way for work. I’ve got so many hobbies yet I can’t seem to focus on anything. I want to be home, I want to be out, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by people. Stupid work, stupid mind, arghhhhh this just plain sucks

Happy new years eve

I’ve done reflecting as we all do at this time of year.

This year started as one of the most difficult, loss of relationship, step children, family. I had depression, anxiety, on medication. Basically lost.

But that changed on the 11th of February. When an old friend came back in to my life. We fell head over heals and the girl who hated marriage.got engaged. My sailor and I have began to build a life together saving to build a tiny home and land. A family, a tight unit.

I’ve now a teen son and nearly 7 year old daughter. We have connected and bonded more this year then any other. I’m proud of them both.

I’ve advanced so much with my photography. Tried new things, art, zentangle, wood burning, woodcarving etc

I’ve returned old hobbies. I’ve faced health issues and won. I’ve gone of medication, come out of my shell.

So much to speech of. My life has turned to something I never imagined.

Now it’s time to go relax with my fiancé and children and continue to love life

For once I want to be listened to

For god sake for once me first. My needs not wants but god damn needs. I work my arse  of for everyone else. You need something I do my best to support n give it. You want something the same thing. For fuck sake hear me listen to me take on board what i say. Instead of ignoring it.