Finally got an appointment with

A lady who works for a company that supports families with a family member who has mental health issues. I must admit I like her. She’s a straight talking no bullshit kinda women. And I respect that. Yesterday when we meet we when more in depth in our relationship, what issues, any fights, etc. Also his past and mine. To try and get a whole picture to better help us. She’s contacting the advocates so that they can push for a one on one meeting with my husband and I in a supported environment. I fully support it and hope it happens. As she has said it a complex situation and without me speaking to him I’m going to continue to be in limbo. Her stance is weather he wants our marriage, doesn’t know or doesn’t he needs to tell me. She has had the same negatively from mental health so she’s bypassing them to another organisation. I don’t know what will happen. Weather he’d even agree to a meeting let alone turn up. But its a last ditch attempt to make some kind of progress. She’s said I’m being very real about my expections. That either he’s really sick or he just doesn’t want me. But agrees the system has grossly let down our family and actions needed. She believes mental health need to stop allowing sailor to hide behind them. That he needs to pick his truck up and give me notice. She’s also knows I admit to fault in our marriage that I’m not deflecting it all to him. That based on the lead up to him going that there was not indication he’d leave. The fact that I’m open to work through things and not demand he just come home. In new Zealand to get a divorce you have to wait 2 years until you’ve been legally separated. That he also has to speak to me regarding separating our stuff if he does want out. That its time I get answers. She’s also hoping that him seeing me may snap him even a little bit from what he’s going through so I can support him. Bit who knows another waiting game

Feeling so down

So re dyed my hair bright red. Stupid but usually helps me boost my moods. This time bitter sweet cause the last time I was a red head sailor coloured it for me coz he loves me with red hair. Also finally noticing my weight loss I’m down about 5kgs. Which I’ve wanted to lose for a long time. Wish I’d not let myself go so much. Finally even waxed my crazy eye brows. Trying to pick myself up

I can’t even

Break up clearly.I was talking to my mum earlier. I told her how much regret I have with ending things. She asked me to show her the text. She read it and smiled. She goes bub I don’t see that as a break up. But being clear on how you fell how’s its making you all feel. Then my best mate said the same thing. All I could reply was shit I can’t even break up clearly. Life’s spinning and don’t know any thing anymore

People are asking

Why? Why now? Why end it when its not what I wanted. I ended it for two reasons. 1. I thought that after everything I tried that it would shock him and open his eyes to what’s happening and how everyone is affected. I thought he’d contact me. I thought It may have made him realise how much I love him with everything I’ve done to try n support him. That maybe it would kick his arse into accepting the help he’s been offered properly. That he’d take it seriously. I was wrong. I made a mistake. I was desperate for something. And I fucked up. 2. I thought I was doing the right things by kids, but there reactions I got that wrong to. My son came to me last night, he’s gutted. I thought given his n sailors struggles he’d be happier instead he’s not. My baby is wanting to go n get him things he might need to put on the truck. Keeps telling me she’s lost her dad. She’s angry with me to. Look i dont blame the kids. 

How can doing so much end so badly. All I wanted was me, sailor n the kids safe and happy. Is that so wrong. To want the man who I made so many plans with. He even started the kids their own businesses so the at they could buy their own houses when we brought ours. We even joked about a 10 year plan. This is not part of the bloody 10 year plan. 18 months into our 3 year savings plan. Half way. How could life be this cruel. We were doing good. Yes we had our problems I’m not going to lie. Bit none big enough to end it all. We were actively sorting issues. We communicated so much better. We had each others backs. In the past I’ve been foolish with the state of my relationships n made many excuses. When depe down I knew they wouldn’t last. But with sailor it was so different. Now I’ve lost him. All for what, I don’t know. I miss him and wish I could undo yesterday. The past 5 weeks. Just want to love him

So disappointed in myself

All I wanted was marriage for life. I knew we’d have ups n down. Amazing times and heart breaking. I regret not following through with sorting out what we’d do if either ended up mentally unwell again. Why we didn’t sort next of kin, wills, advanced directives. All that crazy legal stuff that we hope we wouldn’t need. When the crisis team turned up a week before he left I wish I had spoken up for him. Not brush certain things under the carpet. I wish I’d tried harder when he was packing up his stuff. I wish I’d spent more time with him just him. Just cuddling and laughing. Watching movies and hanging at the beach like we both liked. I let life get in the way. I wish I hadn’t let myself go physically including gaining so much weight. My tiredness all the time. I wish the bight before he left that I had tried to talk to him instead of being stubborn. I have to many regrets and bow I can’t tell him. Most of all I wish he’d believed me when I told him he was worth it and I was so proud of him. That night I wish I’d just sat there and held him so he didn’t feel alone. When he said he didn’t want to be here. I wish I’d realised that he was suicidal. Not how I took it that he didn’t want me. I wish when his support worker had him down the road that I’d just run to him, made him realise what he means to me. 

Instead I’m sitting here alone, devastated regretting the text I sent him a few hours ago. Wishing I’d been stronger and held on. I feel selfish. My son is in shock. My girl came to me and said I’ve lost my dad. She knows he’s step dad but I didn’t realise she saw him as her dad. I feel I’ve let my kids and husband down. And I can’t fix it.

My marriage is over

I don’t want to bloody hear that its all gonna be ok n it’ll get better. I’ve reached a point where I need his stuff gone can’t keep seeing it. I’ve told him what it’ll take to underdo  it that simpling a text. In a warped way I’m hoping it’ll shock him into taking action of his mental health. Maybe shock him into realising what I’m going through. Either way after 10 or so months of marriage I have lost my best friend and husband. I’m devastated beyond everything. Its the last thing I want

I’ve officially had enough

​Seriously on top of everything else another dead chicken and one not looking good. After one died a few weeks ago in the heat. I put up a shelter for shade. Thanks to the wind it came down n killed one. Another was trapped underneath n hoping it’ll be ok. Come on universe I’ve had enough bullshit. I can’t even take care of fucken chickens. This is cruel. All I fucken want in this world is to take care of people and things I love and I can’t even do that

My kids

My 14 year old has completely withdrawn into himself and his gaming. He’s moody and struggling. Not his normal at all. Won’t talk about sailor.

My 7 year old just came to talk to me. She’s wise beyond her years yet so young and innocent. She misses her giggle fart. His cuddles. Watching movies. She said she misses the builder man, gardener man, the funny man. She wants her sailor home the happy one. She doesn’t miss the angry or sad sailor. She wants to fix things. She asked if he was still at his safe house. And I told her he was away for work. She’s pissed she doesn’t think he’s safe there and wants to make him come back. His birthday is 2 weeks after hers we started a tradition on birthdays of the person can pick their fav chips, choc and fizzy. She’s asked me to buy his still. She’s written him letters.

And I’m sitting here trying to bring myself to end things and block him online. Not because I want to I want him home. But trying to be real that after 5 weeks of no answers I have to prepare to move on with my life. If he’s not coming back he has to move his stuff out because seeing it is breaking me. I don’t believe in divorce. If he was violent or cheated I would bit otherwise its not something I believe in. This is way I was anti marriage. I didn’t want me or sailor to go through this. I wish he would properly help himself. To heal. But to be honest I don’t know what his recovery is. I do feel rejected and abandoned. I’m angry at the situation. I’m wishing he and I never suffered from mental illness. I can’t bring myself to make the decisions. Yet feel I have to. Cruel world I’m facing