A year ago

I’m surprised I’m here, writing this. I’m alive. The docs reckon I shouldn’t be.

Over a year ago I lost everything, it all changed. My world that I wanted my whole life was over. One attempt of my own life, so many physical scars, many more emotional ones.

This time it was different. I wanted to succeed. My children were at my mothers. The pills all out of there little packets. Everyone thought I was out for the night. I did last minute errands.

It was time. I parked my car around the corner, I pulled my landline and cellphone apart so I could get help and people couldn’t stop me. My letters were written, will all done, even funeral plan was sitting on the bench.

It was time. I wrote a letter to my councilor with my key. Told her to ring police to find my body. After hours I dropped it off. Returning home I started running the bath.

I got changed all black, put everything I needed along the bath, pills, bottles of water, my ciggys.

Calm I started taking the pills. Handful by big handful. Swallowing the bottles premixed with dissolvable pills. Then I got angry, why weren’t the kicking in. More an more I toke. Careful to space it all out so I wouldn’t vomit. Then I picke up the knife. At that point I can only assume I past out.

Hours later I wake, stumbling, crying, why wasn’t it working. I should’ve been dead. 300 plus tablets, past out in a bath. I remember little after this.

14 hours after I toke the first pill. I hear it , the terror in my mums voice. Banging on the door. Then it’s the police let us in. How I’m unsure but I crawled to the door. The police assumed I’d only taken a few. Attention seeking. They let me smoke a number of ciggys before taking me in the back of the police car to the hospital.

The hospital were angry, they should’ve called an ambulance. I’d been in water with countless meds in my system.

24 hour on a drip not watched closely. And I was sent home.

I spoke to two people. Who finally realise I wanted and needed help.

A year on I don’t know how or why I’m alive. But I am and I’m happy. Never again will I take an attempt at my own life. Therapy and support have finally gotten me out of the black hole.

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21 thoughts on “A year ago

  1. The only reason I “like” this post is because I like your “up-front” honesty. I too have tried to take my life, unsuccessfully. I am so very happy I failed. I am very happy you failed too. 😀

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  2. Thanks for adding to my life story.

    Haven’t never moved beyond a thought some 20 years prior I do not feel adequate to speak to the circumstances of your post. Thus, I will speak to the raw emotion of it.

    Bravo, you have displayed an amazing amount of courage and transparency worthy of far more than these few words can provide. Thank you for your authenticity as a writer and victor. I part with only this, “as you continue your therapeutic process, may the scars began to heal even places you have yet to discover”.

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  3. i am shocked how similar my to story is to yours. I attempted suicide twice and did it the exact same way you did, i’m blown away. this gives me hope as I hope to be where you are in 8 months!

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    • Aw thank you for commenting and sharing. Wish you didn’t understand given its a horrible place to be. But yea please have hope. What once was an option for me, will never be again. Despite the extremely hard times I’ve faced in the past year I’m a happier healthier women, and a better mum and friend. It amazes me what one can put themselves through yet live. Once I became future driven I knew I’d be ok. Thanks so much for checking out my blog. An all the best to you 🙂

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