The letter I never sent.

I sit in silence but for the waves crashing in the distance. Feeling the chill of the spring air against my warm cheeks. Looking at the black clouds threatening rain, when the powerful moon starts rising above it lighting up the night sky. Remember twice sitting with you talking deep into the night seeing shooting stars. The only time I’ve seen them was with you. I’ll never forget those wishes tho they have yet to come true.

I wonder often if when you outside at night smoking your ciggy and sipping your steamy hot coffee if your blue or green mug, if I cross your mind as you do mine. If we are looking at the moon at the same time.

It maybe wishful thinking my lost love. But when I sit here, I hope you know I don’t hate you and I never will. I’m sometimes sad with the way it has turned bit happy I had you in my life. Happy I meet the person literary carved into my body and soul. Happy for I experienced intimacy, kindness, pure unexplainable love. The feelings I never knew existed until you.

If I close my eyes I can still feel you, see you, hear your sweet voice.

Without you I’d never have known what true love could bring. Without you I wouldn’t be the person I am today. You made me look deep into myself to discover the person I am. I accepted my flaws and my strengths.

So as I learn to live without being in yours arms. I treasure the special place you’ll forever hold in my heart.

More plus one x

Power of love

Why is it that for the past six months I thought that I was moving on, over him. I knew I still loved him. But I’d accepted that despite my wants and feelings we were over. Maybe I’d just pushed it aside thinking I’d dealt with it. Then bang one text from him. Bang seeing him once, not even talking to him. Bang once again he’s all I can think about.

I had even started entertaining the thought of one day having a new partner. There have been a few men who had caught my eye. But something held me back.

Now as I lay here in darkness, silence apart from my own breathing. Everything’s coming flooding back the good and not so good. Little things, big things, silly things. Our rings. How we use to say I love you more plus one. How he would interlock his fingers around mine as we fell asleep tucking our hands under the blanket coz he didnt like his hands cold. Him showing me clips on YouTube. Dedicating songs to me. I still can’t listen to them to this day.

I never believed in soul mates until I meet him. Then when we separated I thought about other men and thought well maybe I was wrong. But its all still there. My love for him so present and strong. My heart won’t let go and my mind won’t forget. How do you give up on something you want as your forever.

How can someone hold so much power over my heart and not even know it.

Day 195 of 365

Day 195 – my son had a friend come over to hang out today. Big move for him. As he’s always struggled with making friends. He’s an academic computer geek kinda kid (which I love Bout him) bit it leads to a lot of isolation. I’m happy he’s making friends with like minded people

Ok so I can admit it

Ok so I can admit it my moods have been lower this past few weeks. But there are many silver linings. For one my house looks amazing even cleaned out big freezer n oven. Sorted and listed a few hundred items on trade me making me some nice picket money. I’m signed out of mental health. Spent amazing times with my children. I’ve dealt with a lot of high highs and low lows these past few weeks. But not once did I fear the depression would rear its ugly head. I didn’t think about cutting nor attempting. I didn’t isolate myself. I dealt with big issues in the “normal” productive way. I battled them head on instead of avoiding. And I’m proud

School has returned

School has returned I’m shocked to find I miss the noise already. There are times I crave silence. I need space for me alone. Then bam off they go in their uniforms ready to take on another day of learning.