I need to talk to someone

And there’s none I can in my real life. My posts a mixed up because I set them up to post automatically. A few days ago my bpd (border line personality disorder) start rearing its ugly head. My anxiety I through the roof. While I know I’m being unreasonable and over thinking. I can’t help but feel very rejected. I’ve deactivated my Facebook account because I was constantly check if he was online or what interaction he’s had on there. If he’s on I wonder why he’s not messaging. If he’s off I’m wondering who he’s with. He’s done nothing wrong on there at all. I’d reached out to others whom had either seen and ignored my msg or sent one back then nothing. Yesterday I text a few people to catch up. And was meet with no, or I’m busy or nothing.

I know its mostly to do with his and my situation. Please before you say just leave, I’ve spent two years trying to get over him and can’t. He’s not long moved, going back to work in a few days, has major issues he’s currently sorting out. Which I told him to take the time to settle them before we officially begin again. But now things have cut back I can’t handle it. I knew what the situation was from the start so can only blame myself.

With bpd anything little to most.feels like a major rejection to me. I’ve used my therapy skill with no ease of my disorder. I got sleep, pampered myself, mindfulness. I feel I can’t go to anyone. I just am lost at what to do now. Its so hard considering I’ve been doing overall really well with keeping my demons at bay. Demons over over thinking over reacting, jealously, fear, hopelessness, abandonment, loss. Now its all about fear I’m not good enough for him, that he’s just going to leave, that he deserves better then me. My logical mind knows this isn’t true. Heck even he’s told me it isn’t true. That he loves me. I’ve realise just this moment that when he contacts I’m pushing him away not the other way around.

Why can’t I just be normal. Accept the facts for what they are instead of fighting myself to believe the worst case. Right now even my skin feels like its on fire cause of the high anxiety. My children deserve so much better. They had been away for the night due to me having no break for 35 days. I thought I was on the up. But now even they know I’m not good. The more I try to hide it from them the more I’m feeling off. They ask me if I’m ok cause I’m not myself. I smile and try to reassure them.

I don’t know how to pull myself up right now

Advertisements

135 thoughts on “I need to talk to someone

  1. I so appreciated reading your post. And, unfortunately, I can relate all too damn well. No advice to give, just know you are not alone. If that helps at all. I hope so. Reading this helped me…helps me know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I will also be praying for you. Ask your Higher Self for guidance; it is always there although we don’t always know it. This may simply be the darkest that your life will have to ever be. Is this not a positive thought? The “dark night of the soul” always precedes a wonderful realization.

    Like

  3. Please, I must say that how you identify yourself is important. If you have a disorder such as borderline personality disorider, then think of it only as a temporary condition. Avoid identifying yourself as “being” this condition because you are not. Then, you will get over it. You are just temporarily passing through a condition which you will get over with the help of God, your Higher Self, and the kind people who have responded to your pleas for help.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You need to have this assurance that there is someone somewhere who loves you, cares about your every need and desire and who will never leave you nor abandon you. With this in mind you will find peace and security; you will not try to get it out of another human like you. As humans we can only go so far, we are limited; Let God be your first lover, friend, husband and all, then you will find peace and joy in any other relationship.
    Thank you for being so honest. Honesty is the first step to the healing process.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Everything passes, everything changes, just do what you think you should do. Who knows maybe one day baby I’ll come and be crying to you – Bob Dylan said that. It’s wise words.
    It’ll be alright – I said that.
    Best wishes Opher

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Definitely a lot of support and love already shared here. Wonderful!

    I too would like to offer an ear to talk to. I’ve gone through depression myself, hated myself, wanted to die, etc. I no longer feel that way, and have learned to love myself.

    I am only sharing that because I believe it is possible for you too. You can love yourself, and you deserve too.

    You are welcome to e-mail me, anytime, at John@GainAmbition.com

    Hope today you are well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Let me start off by saying, I’m not a counselor nor am I licensed therapist but I am someone currently in the process of letting go of a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. It’s not going to be easy . . . it’s going to be hard . . . it’s supposed to be hard because you are attempting to let go of an emotional attachment with someone you will care about and more than likely still love. All you are required to do is be responsible for your part and not his. Your part is to take care of yourself and your feelings; allow yourself time to heal; allow the journey to go through all of its phases; let yourself feel the hurt and pain so you can come out on the other side of it. Some days you will feel like crying, while other days you will feel like laughing. Some days your face will be covered with tears, but these tears will dry up and laughter will follow. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for him or his thoughts, his actions, his worries or his issues. He may not ever come around, but in the meantime you have some healing and soul searching to do. Every morning tell yourself to get out of bed; plant your feet on the floor; let the world know that you are still here and you are still a formidable opponent to life’s ups and downs, and you will prevail in victory over your current situation. It’s going to take time and effort on your part, but you will eventually come out on top once you have committed yourself to do so. Nothing and no one will hold you back, and you will not hold yourself back. You can talk to others, and they may or may not provide you with the answers you want or need. They can listen to you, give you support, give you love and show you compassion, but they cannot give you freedom from your journey. Your journey is for you and you only. Embrace the sad days and know that they too are part of the process of healing, and lasso in the happy days with a steel rope and hold on to those moments for as long as you can, and use them as your go-to happy place in times of sadness, confusion and doubt. We will get there, but the first thing we need to do is determine and accept what’s our part and what’s not our part. Good luck dear friend! I am here whenever you need to talk, vent or whatever. Like I said I’m not a therapist or counselor, but I will do my best to listen and hear you and provide inspiration while you are going through your journey of self-discovery, healing and self-love.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am reading this post weeks after you wrote it, however I found it very compelling and it took great courage to bare your soul here. I’m not one with all the answers, but I am a good listener. Feel free to connect with me on facebook, my id is jregins2 or google +, my id is jeginsjr@gmail.com. Take care and try to always focus on your strengths as opposed to what you see are your weaknesses.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for your kind words on Envision Life [kelzbelzphotography].

    Regarding your post on your website-Needing to Talk to Someone. My contribution would be like so many people in the world too often we feel in adequate about ourselves. Too much attention is focused outwards rather than inwards. My recommendation would be to find something that is truly designed to enrich your life which could stem from starting your own business to helping someone who is in desperate need of help and I believe that will allow you to take the focus off yourself and also share yourself with others.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: World through photography. | Live Love Laugh

  11. don’t talk about what you feel, kelzbelz, talk about what you do, it’ll change your life, look for beautiful things, you’ll find them, soon enough they’ll surround you, don’t dwell on what has already gone by, you can’t change that, but you can make your future a paradise if you set your mind to it, don’t look back, look forward with what you’ve got, add only beautiful things, beautiful thoughts, they are the seeds that will turn into roses

    your photographs are gorgeous

    your children, don’t forget, are from heaven, a counterpoint to your sadness, love them, actively, do something for them, that will be, they will be, your salvation, that’s where you start

    all the best

    Richard

    Liked by 1 person

  12. First, thank you for visiting. It can be difficult to open oneself up and set free distressed emotions. Please know that I have prayed for you, and may God grant you the gift of awareness to see His holding His hand out to you. And, may He grant you the courage to take it.

    Like

  13. I also have BPD (I recently “came out” about it — I’d been reluctant because it’s so stigmatized and I mostly write about narcissism) but here’s a little thing that might be helpful to you. Back in 1996 when I was diagnosed with BPD (I was hospitalized for severe mood swings and suicidal ideation) I was trained in a behavioral therapy called DBT which teaches you how to think before you act. One thing I learned was something called “turtling.” It’s very simple but helped me a lot and I still use it. Make or buy yourself a little turtle. Mine is clay but plastic or wood is fine too. Keep it near you or in a pocket at all times. Whenever things get to be too overwhelming and you feel like you might snap, pull out the turtle and think about going into your shell to think…similar to the way a turtle pulls into its shell when it senses danger. Hold the turtle in your hands and feel it there. It sounds almost stupid, but it really does work.
    I feel your pain though. I’ve been there. BPD is no fun and I hate how stigmatized it is, you know, the “all cluster B’s are evil” BS.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Check out my blog too, I write a lot about BPD as well as NPD and Aspergers and avoidant PD (I have all these too, except NPD). I’m a mess but blogging has helped immensely.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s