And there’s none I can in my real life. My posts a mixed up because I set them up to post automatically. A few days ago my bpd (border line personality disorder) start rearing its ugly head. My anxiety I through the roof. While I know I’m being unreasonable and over thinking. I can’t help but feel very rejected. I’ve deactivated my Facebook account because I was constantly check if he was online or what interaction he’s had on there. If he’s on I wonder why he’s not messaging. If he’s off I’m wondering who he’s with. He’s done nothing wrong on there at all. I’d reached out to others whom had either seen and ignored my msg or sent one back then nothing. Yesterday I text a few people to catch up. And was meet with no, or I’m busy or nothing.
I know its mostly to do with his and my situation. Please before you say just leave, I’ve spent two years trying to get over him and can’t. He’s not long moved, going back to work in a few days, has major issues he’s currently sorting out. Which I told him to take the time to settle them before we officially begin again. But now things have cut back I can’t handle it. I knew what the situation was from the start so can only blame myself.
With bpd anything little to most.feels like a major rejection to me. I’ve used my therapy skill with no ease of my disorder. I got sleep, pampered myself, mindfulness. I feel I can’t go to anyone. I just am lost at what to do now. Its so hard considering I’ve been doing overall really well with keeping my demons at bay. Demons over over thinking over reacting, jealously, fear, hopelessness, abandonment, loss. Now its all about fear I’m not good enough for him, that he’s just going to leave, that he deserves better then me. My logical mind knows this isn’t true. Heck even he’s told me it isn’t true. That he loves me. I’ve realise just this moment that when he contacts I’m pushing him away not the other way around.
Why can’t I just be normal. Accept the facts for what they are instead of fighting myself to believe the worst case. Right now even my skin feels like its on fire cause of the high anxiety. My children deserve so much better. They had been away for the night due to me having no break for 35 days. I thought I was on the up. But now even they know I’m not good. The more I try to hide it from them the more I’m feeling off. They ask me if I’m ok cause I’m not myself. I smile and try to reassure them.
I don’t know how to pull myself up right now