Never first

I never feel like my needs matter. I was ok earlier and now for no real reason I feel tearful and anxious. I’m lonely. Bitterly sadly lonely. I know people feel they can’t get anything right with me at the moment. But staying away is making me more backed in to a lonely corner. Sick of reaching out and feeling rejected. This all feels so real to me. Likely all in my head. I’m in flight mode. I’ve realised that since Christmas I’ve had four visitors. Him. His cousin (still confused about that visit) my meant to be best friend and my mother. Now they seem to have had enough of my sadness.


15 thoughts on “Never first

  1. Your needs have to matter to you and you alone. It is so hard to be everything to everyone, but not be everything to yourself. You are the most important person in the world. You have to be to support others. I’m repeating what was told to me when I was crashing down, lower and lower. In order to be a care giver, you must first care for yourself. When supposed friends and family bail on you, know that there are those of us out there who do care that you are feeling lost.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. This world can get lonely I know. I think metal flower maker has a point about mattering most to yourself. Investing good energy into yourself as hard as it feels it will mean so much more than what anyone else can give. Hope you feel better soon. Alien Girl


  3. Sorry to hear this. If you can get outside of the house at all (I’m not sure if you’re able to), it can help a lot, even if it’s cold and nasty, just to move around. I know how hard it can be to do this though. Sometimes I would just go to a mall or the health club, just to be around other people. But I know at a certain point even this can feel impossible, but during better times you might be able to.


  4. My dear, I think they think you want to be alone but all you have to do is to tell them that you love their company. People can’t read our minds and honestly , us women expect that from everybody but this will never happen. I’m sure they don’t do it on purpose, they don’t know what you want. How about give one of them or all of them a text or a call to tell them you would love to hang out. I’m sure that especially your best friend and your mom will say yes and maybe Him too. The power is always in our hands and the power is now in a call or a text from your side. 🙂

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  5. I read the comments and I love them. I couldn’t say anything different. What you think why the visitors are so rare might really be a misunderstanding. Try to remember how the visits were. Did the people feel comfortable? Or did you give them a feeling of discomfort? As one blogger wrote, maybe they might think you want to be left alone. You need to show obviously what you want from others. Don’t ever believe the might know. Because so don’t you regarding others. Stand up, and invite one or two friends for coffee and cake. Talk about funny memories, laugh and make them welcome and enjoy the stay. You will see that not only your friends will get closer again but also you are lifted onto a different level and get distance to the problem parts of your life. Life is not only one section…. there are so many! If you want to read, I just posted about this topice this week


  6. There is an old adage that I have found to be true in my nearly sixty-nine years: Laugh, and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.
    Is that as it should be? Absolutely not.
    Is that my personal experience? Sadly, yes.
    Invite people over – share your work!


  7. Your needs DO matter. I read some of your posts and am concerned about your mental health. Depression is real AND treatable. Seeking help from a professional in these matters can help. I recommend 1800 273 TALK as a first step to getting you back in a good place. Praying for you.


  8. Pingback: In Good Company | Amanuensis Sobriquet-Reverie

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