Its as over as it can be. It messed it. I’m frustrated. Another situation changed with him and I felt it as a rejection. I accepted it, was understanding. Then the pain kicked me out of no where. I contacted him and told him he has patterns anything we agreed on was wiped. That he can see it as a summer fling. Contact for children only. Sadly he agreed. Without me realising I needed him to fight for me.
This time he said he won’t distance himself like before he will still be there. I couldn’t reply.
He had told me he was still in love with me. My heart sang. For I felt the same way. We wanted the same things. He got a house for us as a family home in the long term, kept his car. His words and actions screamed that it was true. Then his normal pattern emerged. He told me he needed to sort himself out for him, us and the kids. And started backing off. Said it was the best thing for me so I’m not going through more pain when I’ve done nothing wrong.
He believed he was doing the right thing last time by staring clear. Now he believes he’s doing the right thing by me and not going.
What I want and need is him. He’s misguided in what he’s doing even though he believes its right. I don’t know how to be just a friend. We never have been. Im scared too just like him. Scared of stuffing it all up. Scared of losing him, of being hurt. But was working through that.
Until yesterday when I ended it. Its taking everything in me not to respond. Not to take back what I’ve said. I’m not doing it because I want to. I’m trying to give him space and not sink myself. I never wanted love. Till I meet him. I don’t want space, I dont want him gone. What I want is us, slowly. Not fast or rushed like we’ve done. He’s never been a fling he’s been the love of my for more then four years.
Now I’ve stuffed it. Now its over. Now I’m heart broken. Now I don’t know what to do. There are only two options. Either we are together. Or we don’t see each otter. He can’t be with me and can’t stay away. I can’t have him and need to stay away.
He said he agreed cause he’s put me through enough pain. But here I am in pain I cant describe.
Why is any decision I make over us wrong. I know i can’t fix him or is issues. I’m not trying to. Why cant he not accept my love and support. Why cant I not just be able to love him. Why cant I not just move on. Please don’t tell me time. Two years I’ve tried and outcome I love him more cause I know his strengths and weakness. I love him more not less