Its as over as it can be.

Its as over as it can be. It messed it. I’m frustrated. Another situation changed with him and I felt it as a rejection. I accepted it, was understanding. Then the pain kicked me out of no where. I contacted him and told him he has patterns anything we agreed on was wiped. That he can see it as a summer fling. Contact for children only. Sadly he agreed. Without me realising I needed him to fight for me.

This time he said he won’t distance himself like before he will still be there. I couldn’t reply.

He had told me he was still in love with me. My heart sang. For I felt the same way. We wanted the same things. He got a house for us as a family home in the long term, kept his car. His words and actions screamed that it was true. Then his normal pattern emerged. He told me he needed to sort himself out for him, us and the kids. And started backing off. Said it was the best thing for me so I’m not going through more pain when I’ve done nothing wrong.

He believed he was doing the right thing last time by staring clear. Now he believes he’s doing the right thing by me and not going.

What I want and need is him. He’s misguided in what he’s doing even though he believes its right. I don’t know how to be just a friend. We never have been. Im scared too just like him. Scared of stuffing it all up. Scared of losing him, of being hurt. But was working through that.

Until yesterday when I ended it. Its taking everything in me not to respond. Not to take back what I’ve said. I’m not doing it because I want to. I’m trying to give him space and not sink myself. I never wanted love. Till I meet him. I don’t want space, I dont want him gone. What I want is us, slowly. Not fast or rushed like we’ve done. He’s never been a fling he’s been the love of my for more then four years.

Now I’ve stuffed it. Now its over. Now I’m heart broken. Now I don’t know what to do. There are only two options. Either we are together. Or we don’t see each otter. He can’t be with me and can’t stay away. I can’t have him and need to stay away.

He said he agreed cause he’s put me through enough pain. But here I am in pain I cant describe.
Why is any decision I make over us wrong. I know i can’t fix him or is issues. I’m not trying to. Why cant he not accept my love and support. Why cant I not just be able to love him. Why cant I not just move on. Please don’t tell me time. Two years I’ve tried and outcome I love him more cause I know his strengths and weakness. I love him more not less

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “Its as over as it can be.

  1. All I can say is tell him everything you just wrote here. Tell him and let him decide what he wants. There is a woman I am crazy about but is not ready to commit. She has stuff to sort out. So I am waiting for her. I have no idea how long it will take, but I am in no hurry to move on or look for love somewhere else. Communication is the key, so tell him. And if you already have… I don’t know what else to say other than my heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • We have talked about how we feel and what we want and need. I know he needs time. As with everything theres more then ive written. He has it in his head he needs to protect me. We both love each other and happy when together. He said hes scared to. Can i ask how do you wait for her? I want to wait but have no idea how with his walls back so high. I just dont know how to support him from a distance

      Like

  2. I feel with you.. I struggled with kind of the same situation last year, and thought I never would have come out of it. I’m not good with words, especially when it comes to my own feelings. All I can say good luck, you are doing good with your writings – it’s a good way to sort out your thoughts..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so very sorry for you. It’s terribly painful to love each other so much and to struggle so hard to make things work. It’s a feeling like ‘you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them..
    Take good and gentle care of yourself during this time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry. 😦
    I have no words to say at all that could help you.

    In the following, I am NOT AT ALL SAYING YOUR SITUATION is OCD like mine became. I am sharing this story with you ONLY so you know I can understand pain and heartbreak:

    I botched things with the love of my life. (It was nobody’s fault; it happened while I was in the midst of my 1st mental breakdown). In the end, after more than 7 years since he and I broke contact, I was still waking up just as sad and heartbroken every morning as the first day. Finally, for me, because I have OCD anyway, I finally realized it had become basically my OCD taking me over. So I tried blocking out the thoughts instead of taking them so seriously, and sure enough, they came up all the time out of the clear blue, haunting me, bringing me to my knees in tears and heartbreak time and time again. They had become intrusive thoughts. They only left me altogether about half a year ago (when I experienced so much mental pain from other things; something must have changed in my brain). But I still consider him my “soul mate” and I haven’t connected with anyone else since then. It’s been 12 years now since he and I broke contact.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It looks to me that you are doing all the work and that’s why it hurts so badly. It looks like you are lonely with him there because even though he talks a good line, he won’t really put anything of himself into this life with you; he does not seem to want to ride the rough spots with you as well as the smooth ones. If this is the case, it is going to take its toll on you over the longer term. Danger zone for you and your children. If he really wants to “protect” you, and if he really is “still in love” with you, he would make a commitment to going into therapy with you to work out his own baggage while learning about being a good mate for you and father for the children, instead of playing it safe for himself. At the same time, you cannot expect him to understand and process everything you are experiencing with your unique challenges. And he cannot expect you to understand and process everything he is experiencing, either. The counselor is trained to handle those things that are too intense for a loved one. In any case, you have an empty space that only God can fill, and a kind of deeply entrenched pain that only God can comfort. He knows your needs and will provide. Praying for you… May you discover that this painful encounter is really a gift in a strangely wrapped package… ❤ May love triumph in whatever shape God provides…

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I can feel ur pain . I see no strong reason for him to pull back when he had all he wanted. A beautiful understanding girl a family and what not. Is he scared of taking the responsibility?? Is my question. U have tried a lot make things perfect . I know its a hard decision u took . but slowly all will fall in place. U need to be more stronger than before .
    May u get all d happiness u deserve.
    Love
    Supreet

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It is so difficult to understand others. But it is most confusing when we don’t even understand ourselves. Although you try to see the situation as objective as possible you have expectations and probably unconscious deadlines. When life doesn’t fit this inner schedule it throws you off your feet. I think when you are honest to yourself, get aware of and stick to your expectations (and perhaps discuss it with your loved one) it would be easier to deal with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Very difficult. I think ive had to higher expections. Im also a very routine person so feel outa wack. Would love to talk to him really would. But im trying to give us both time to process . i know ive hurt him, even though its space he wanted. With how im feeling id be likely to lash out emotionally and would be cruel on us both.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are who you are! Don’t feel guilty about that. You are working so hard on yourself and you are doing it to be strong for others. Isn’t that the greates proof of love? There is so much love withing in you, so many feelings and you just don’t know where to put them, right? Don’t feel guilty. Try to follow your heart and when you think you stepped out of the path then you know that you are human.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s