I sat in a meeting two years

I sat in a meeting two years ago, waiting to get out of the unit (mental health inpatient ward). They agreed I could leave. As the doctor stood up without looking at me and said “looks like you have BPD or borderline personality disorder”. I got angry after all there were ten people in the room most strangers. I was given no information and set out in the big wide scary world. I looked online and I was scared as I saw page after page of doom. Fear of being abandoned, heightened feelings of emotions, high suicide rate, risky behaviour, self harm, drinkers, drugs, risky sexual behaviour, does not react in same way to medication or therapy. Relapse extremely high. In other words I saw no hope.

Still I battled through therapy. I didn’t cut, nor do drugs. I didn’t attempt to take my life again. I dont sleep around at all in fact I’m the opposite. Pretty much don’t drink. I learnt skills. I’ve turned my life around. I take care of my children. My home. I cook I clean. I try.

Thing is I still have a great deal of anxiety and fear. Just because I have fear doesn’t mean I dont truly love him. That what we have isn’t real. Yes I have days where I wish I could take that fear and throw it away but that’s not real. Sometimes I post things that I feel in that moment. Logically I know I deserve love from him and that he does love me. I know I am more then my Illness. I know I’m a good person. But when my illness is in full swing I doubt everything about myself. I feel fat and ugly and unworthy of love.

My battle is not with him. My battle is myself. That my actions aren’t his fault. He does not.hold the blame. I wish people could see this. My illness is just that a illness. Its not caused because of him. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to feel such fear. I can only be skillful and do my best everyday. Which I do.

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39 thoughts on “I sat in a meeting two years

  1. I understand how you feel. I doubt my husband’s love all the time. How could he love me with all that is wrong with me. But, he does. It is battle, it is a fight and it is a fight people like us cannot afford to lose. It is in the trying, the succeeding and sometimes failing, that we become stronger. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. You are a good person. You deserve love. You are loved. At 65, I still struggle to feel I deserve to be here. I’ve had a lot of personal baggage with which to deal. For the most part I’ve overcome it with the love and support of those I cherish. Nonetheless, something can come up which has me regressing. It’s a constant battle. Just remember…no one else has the right to live your best life, except you. hugs and blessings…

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Have you seen the movie, Girl Interrupted? A diagnosis one of the girls (Susanna) is given in that movie is Borderline Personality Disorder. The movie has some dark scenes, but is a WONDERFUL film! Several parts of the movie really stuck with me for many years now, even though I haven’t seen it in ages.

    SPOILER ALERT:

    “Susanna Kaysen: How the hell am I suppose to recover when I don’t even understand my disease?
    Valerie Owens: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can’t curl up with it anymore.”

    My point is … keep doing what you’re doing. Write about it, get it out, and keep moving forward. Doing our best is all we can do.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. *hugs* my sister has some developmental disabilities. You deserve love, and if he isn’t giving it to you in the way you need it; than find it or figure out a way with him. *hugs* My thoughts are with you, and keep fighting the good fight because you deserve love like anyone else on the planet. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Whatever the doctor certify , what matters is do we have that will power to turn life as we wish and cope up . u have it . and done well so far. We all suffer dipression anxiety fear sometime but u tried to come out of and succeeded .
    That’s y I liked ur attitude. X
    Love
    Supreet

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It is so good that you have succeeded in returning to live with and care for your children.
    It is telling that the “doctor stood up without looking at me and said “looks like you have BPD or borderline personality disorder,” with ten people in the room… mostly strangers.

    Our so-called “mental health” care system is a disaster. I have watched them destroy people, careers, families and lives. Once they got you labeled, they figured they were done and you were on your own. The whole system boils down to money.about

    Psychyiatry is not a science. It is a conglomoration of theories, too often meaning very little in the real world. But there is hope.

    I was, at one time, studying behavioral science because I cared about pelople. But when I discovered the field consisted of little more than pet theories… I could no longer continue in the field. Your battle through what they consider therapy was courageous. The socialization with others and avoidance of drugs clearly was helpful. But you do not need to surrender to their labels or buy the bill of goods they were selling.

    The skills you learned and your ability to take care of your home and children matters. But your anxieties and fears are urenur home are understandable. Once they had you labeled and so callously abandoned you to fate… you still had personal issues to sort out. But nobody rides for free. They did not bother to help you with these fears.

    You feelings for and about your former partner are laudable, but your life is not about him.
    What he does or does not do is up to him. And whether or not he loves you is less important than loving yourself, your children and your life. All we can do in this life is to find a place we are needed and do the best we can.

    Not to worry. Life is fine. You are loved, needed and cared about. And what will be will be. Enjoy your blessings. Let go of the past and savor each day. This should be a great year.
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re so honest and this piece was like a short tour-de-force. And your right, our actions are us – they are not other people. We are responsible for them as we are the only ones who are truly in control of them. You are more than your illness. You have come this far and I know you will manage so much more. Don’t doubt yourself. Judging from your posts, you are an amazing person, especially the way you took care and still worry for your stepchild. That sort of love is rare, and being able to give it is also a rare quality. Don’t lose yourself. You are worth so much more than that. xox

    http://www.soniamaverick.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have the same diagnoses along with PTSD. I have for years. I was in and out of the hospital, a cutter, and suicidal. One day I just told myself, “I AM NOT MY DIAGNOSES” – I did what I needed to do for as long as I needed to do it, the meds, the therapy, and the journaling. Today, I am medication free, I only go to therapy when I am having a particularly rough patch, and I still journal. I have a wonderful husband and we talk about everything, openly and honestly. Yes sometimes those talks hurt but only because there are times he helps me to me see what I am refusing to see about myself and behavior. I am happier than I have ever been,

    I am now helping my daughter struggle though an eating disorder and anxiety. At first I blamed myself for not noticing there was something going on sooner. I blamed myself due to my genetics, but then I got past that with help from my husband and my therapist. I actually feel very lucky to have learned some tools through my own difficult times that I can pass on to her. If I had not struggled, I would be clueless about how to help her. I am seeing her progress a little more each and every week.

    My point is, there is hope. Hold onto it. You are not your diagnoses!

    Liked by 1 person

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