I sat in a meeting two years ago, waiting to get out of the unit (mental health inpatient ward). They agreed I could leave. As the doctor stood up without looking at me and said “looks like you have BPD or borderline personality disorder”. I got angry after all there were ten people in the room most strangers. I was given no information and set out in the big wide scary world. I looked online and I was scared as I saw page after page of doom. Fear of being abandoned, heightened feelings of emotions, high suicide rate, risky behaviour, self harm, drinkers, drugs, risky sexual behaviour, does not react in same way to medication or therapy. Relapse extremely high. In other words I saw no hope.
Still I battled through therapy. I didn’t cut, nor do drugs. I didn’t attempt to take my life again. I dont sleep around at all in fact I’m the opposite. Pretty much don’t drink. I learnt skills. I’ve turned my life around. I take care of my children. My home. I cook I clean. I try.
Thing is I still have a great deal of anxiety and fear. Just because I have fear doesn’t mean I dont truly love him. That what we have isn’t real. Yes I have days where I wish I could take that fear and throw it away but that’s not real. Sometimes I post things that I feel in that moment. Logically I know I deserve love from him and that he does love me. I know I am more then my Illness. I know I’m a good person. But when my illness is in full swing I doubt everything about myself. I feel fat and ugly and unworthy of love.
My battle is not with him. My battle is myself. That my actions aren’t his fault. He does not.hold the blame. I wish people could see this. My illness is just that a illness. Its not caused because of him. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to feel such fear. I can only be skillful and do my best everyday. Which I do.