I made a decision which I immediately regret. Cutting him off. I’ve told him apart from contact regarding the children I won’t be having contact with him at all. He and I tend to deal better with starting conversations via text and lead to face to face. So I text him yesterday morning and said imo I believe he loves and misses me as much as I do. But that it makes him vulnerable and scares him and he runs. Runs to superficial people in stead if facing what’s real. That I can’t deal with him distancing himself again like he’s doing so I won’t contact him. But hopes he keeps contact with kids cause they still need him and my girls party. About 6 hours later he replied in his normal avoiding pattern to just say he won’t miss the party. Nothing else. That’s right zip zero nothing. I’d deleted his number. So when the text came in I read it and deleted it. I knew it would happen that he wouldn’t respond. His walls are back up as high as they can go.
I know what people think just move on. Let him go. Forget him. Blah blah. But reality is I’ve made this decision against everything I want. I love him. Maybe to much. I know my happiness counts and I should put me first. But I also know the man I am deeply in love with is hurting. I feel like I’ve abandoned him. I miss him with everything in me. I’m at a complete loss to how to help him. How to make us ok. I tried to move on. Got in a relationship with a guy a year ago who I’d know for years. He was able to and wanted offer me it all. Marriage, home, financial stability, laughter. But fact is I didn’t love him and realised I was trying to move on to forget the man I really loved. Which was cruel and unfair so I ended it. Also tried blind date, epic fail. And yip decided a one night stand but couldn’t and didn’t go through with it.
So here I am again lost. Doing what I should do. Not what i want to. Just ignoring one text ripped my heart out. I don’t want anyone else. So much has happened that I’ve not shared on here. Four years and my love on ever gets stronger. I feel like I’ve rejected and pushed him away. And as much as he’s done wrong. I have to. I just don’t know how two people can love each other so much yet be apart