Immediate regret

I made a decision which I immediately regret. Cutting him off. I’ve told him apart from contact regarding the children I won’t be having contact with him at all. He and I tend to deal better with starting conversations via text and lead to face to face. So I text him yesterday morning and said imo I believe he loves and misses me as much as I do. But that it makes him vulnerable and scares him and he runs. Runs to superficial people in stead if facing what’s real. That I can’t deal with him distancing himself again like he’s doing so I won’t contact him. But hopes he keeps contact with kids cause they still need him and my girls party. About 6 hours later he replied in his normal avoiding pattern to just say he won’t miss the party. Nothing else. That’s right zip zero nothing. I’d deleted his number. So when the text came in I read it and deleted it. I knew it would happen that he wouldn’t respond. His walls are back up as high as they can go.

I know what people think just move on. Let him go. Forget him. Blah blah. But reality is I’ve made this decision against everything I want. I love him. Maybe to much. I know my happiness counts and I should put me first. But I also know the man I am deeply in love with is hurting. I feel like I’ve abandoned him. I miss him with everything in me. I’m at a complete loss to how to help him. How to make us ok. I tried to move on. Got in a relationship with a guy a year ago who I’d know for years. He was able to and wanted offer me it all. Marriage, home, financial stability, laughter. But fact is I didn’t love him and realised I was trying to move on to forget the man I really loved. Which was cruel and unfair so I ended it. Also tried blind date, epic fail. And yip decided a one night stand but couldn’t and didn’t go through with it.

So here I am again lost. Doing what I should do. Not what i want to. Just ignoring one text ripped my heart out. I don’t want anyone else. So much has happened that I’ve not shared on here. Four years and my love on ever gets stronger. I feel like I’ve rejected and pushed him away. And as much as he’s done wrong. I have to. I just don’t know how two people can love each other so much yet be apart


39 thoughts on “Immediate regret

  1. Dear friend . its hard to forget someone so early and its painful. But fact is what u know that he is being little self centered . you are at a stage that u should also move ahead.. But do not get shattered by this is my humble request

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  2. dear, when we do something we don’t want to do, we feel we might have made the wrong move or taken the wrong step and we feel regret or feel so bad about the whole thing. when we are hurting and feeling lost it’s difficult to see clearly and think straight. but with time everything will fall in place. what is to happen will happen. we have no control over that. if it’s meant to be, it will be no matter how bleak things seem to be. that strong loving feeling is beautiful and it will help you see many things in better light. and if you truly love him, what is most important in the given situation is he exist and there is love. don’t worry, it will be alright soon. hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I just read your blog and i am in awe. Someone else in the world has veen through the same things as me. Holy incredible blessed jesus. I dont know all the nuances or how he treated tou…why you two ended…i folow your blog and understand you had a disability and were seeking help and working through your challenges and growing stronger. I understand you have a disorder that makes a lot of things very difficult for you. I think to some extent we all suffer in an emotional way. I am so amazed by you. I read your blog because you give everyone hope. You are REAL and thats what i love. There is no fakeness. You just say it how you are you accept things and because of your honesty and courage to go public with even your deepest thoughts struggles…makes you my opinion Honorable. To say the least. you are an incredible woman and i hope to learn so much from i already have. Thank you for your inspiring stories and for being real. And know you are not alone when it comes to confusion in love. And loving someone but being apart. Its the worst. You love to love them and hate to love them at the same time when disappointment sets in. Idk the struggles your relstionship went through and what he did or didnt do…but if its real and youre both commited give it a shot. Work through the differences. If he can accept hes not perfect and he loves you truely…he will take a chance and work with you not against you. And it jist soundsvlike you love eachother and i hope and pray the best for you and your family. Please never lose hope and please dont stop writing. Maybe im just one person youve inspired today thats leaving a message…but in sure there are hundreds of others. Thank you zillions for your blog!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw you nearly had me in tears with your post. I hoped this blog would help or inspire someone. You all know more then people ive meet. Yip love to love him and hate that i love him. Hes a good man with intense person issues. Wants everything perfect for us and cant see perfect wont happen. So he ran. I hope still one day he will see himself as all i need not what he thinks i need. Thanks so much for following my blog

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      • I know one day if his true love and your true love are destined then he will see. We all go through struggles and do things or say thigs we wish we didnt….but its important to know the bad with the good all helps us grow and become a stronger better person. Ive been going through some hard times like this as well this love hate corcus and its dedintely not fi.. remember to be patient (something im awful at) and remember to focus on you. You are in complete control of yourself and own that.keep it sacred and remember that. Youre you and just who you are is who you were intended to be and amongst all of your steuggles know that in sharing them youve helped many people.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. He told me a few months back that he knows hes in love with me and always has been and made the mistake of leaving like he did. Hadnt said hed loved me for a few years. I hope we can figure it out. Sorry your going through your stuff to. Yip focusing on my girls birthday

        Liked by 1 person

      • I bet her birthday will be great. It soundsvlike youre putting lots of efdort into her special day. Its actually your special day too since you gave birth that day 😉 glad that he can admit maybe he made an unwise choice and hopefully can learn afrom it and can heal and mend the cracks. Do you have a theme for the party? Is it warm where you live 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh thats awesome!!!summer oh wow!!! Its winter here in the usa…i moved from oregon to tx and its muxh warmer in tx. Its supposed to be in the 60s right now but weve been having some hot weather..well real warm like 75 and auch. In oregon this time of year its cold and rain filled. Summer sounds wonderdul. Its my favorite time of the year. Im sure a pool party theme would be soooo fun!!!

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  4. Sweety I know its not took me four good years to let go and now finally when I don’t love him he wants to come back.But I am done with him for good.Have little patience I know its very difficult but time will change everything including your feelings.Trust me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You know my story so I can’t offer advice, but I really can say I understand the pain and the longings and the wishing and just trying to make everything understood and everything smooth and get back to feeling okay again. But you know that for me, my mind couldn’t move on. It doesn’t matter what other people say you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. I know in my own case it became an OCD intrusive thought after several years — no matter how hard I worked to move on and let go and feel peace, some mornings I would just be back at square 1, on my knees, praying and crying for him to remember he cares for me and to be in contact with me and not wanting to live anymore a life without him (suicidal). It has taken me 12 years and I STILL know he was “the one” but I’m at peace with it now, truly. No more intrusive thoughts about him. No more wanting to die because he’s not in my life.

    I hope my story doesn’t scare you. But at least you can know you’re not alone and I’ll never question the way you are feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Maybe each of you should take a step back from each other. Both agree to take a break from contact (unless for the kids). But decide on good terms. The time will hopefully show you each what you really want from each other. =)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t know your situation exactly, because I read as posts come in during my free time rather than going through archives, but I can tell you with scientific certainty that trauma bonding is stronger than the regular sort of love. So if you have shared trauma, or if you have suffered trauma because of your partner, that is something to think about. Because no matter how strong it is, it is NOT love.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are missing a romantic notion of what you thought you had…
    But sometimes love is not enough. The way he acts, that’s not love.
    So just take care of yourself and your children. It’s over. Move on.
    Enjoy your life, make plans and enjoy. What will be will be.

    Liked by 1 person

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