Changes

Just over a week ago I made a decision to delete his cell phone number. I found the temptation to big. I removed his number from everywhere and forced my self to remember a number similar but wrong so I couldn’t just contact him.

I felt myself going back and forth with telling him how I felt and what I want. Thought fine if he texts I’ll reply. Then delete messages and number after.

He was texting about different things once n a while. Now nothing for a few days.

So like it or not I can’t contact him via texts or calls. No car to go see him. My thoughts were I need to give him the space he asked for. Also to take away the chance of sending pathetic texts when I wasn’t thinking straight.

Time will tell if I made the right choice or shot myself in the foot.

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38 thoughts on “Changes

  1. I wonder if instead of you saying..you are not thinking right…and you do things you feel shame about….is perhaps a wrong wording…?
    bear with me here….Love is powerful and sometimes our notion of what Love is supposed to be overwhelms us and thus we think..I cannot feel love unless there is angst, drama, ache. I mean is that not what we usually feel love is…? I know I did for quite awhile. I thought the movement of every day was BORING…I thought there had to be trouble because it showed they loved me…or rather they wanted me…which in the end speaks to..do I want myself…and that I could at one point answer with…I do not want me…
    I know coming from an abusive childhood…that I related still to see nobody cares…and I thought disruption..crazy..drama showed that they cared. What is the saying..no matter on what type of attention…positive or negative…I got attention. It fed my need of belief that my worth was related to how well I handled drama I created(because it affirmed me in a time I could not see myself. because I had been defined and described through others). If I cleaned up the mess real well and made no one accountable for their stuff…WOW I was the king…and nobody wants to be around a doormat…
    I did what you did. Took his number out of my phone, blocked him in email…all sorts of things…and I felt they were a method of correcting me…they would get me in control..set me straight and then I would be desirable….tee hee…
    I choose to look at it this way…I can see him as trouble…we will fight..misery…he does not love me unless he plays along…OR…I can shift my perspective…and value where he is at, who he is behind the show and send loving life to him…you see, you are amazing…that is why he was drawn to you in the first place. That is why he persisted with you and you with him. You captured his true essence and he captured yours. Then we get all caught up in our history…and I am this and you are that…because someone else said so…did you ever say that? NO.
    One person read this to me from a great book…it goes like this…” What would you be if you stripped away the identity everyone else gave you…how would you now define yourself…?
    You are on the first page..blank page…well sort of, because who you are has always been there. You got the crayon in your hand…how will you draw yourself…and will you allow him to draw himself…and will you see it….?
    LOVE…sweet lady….LOVE

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It sounds like this will be good for both of you. Just take it one day at a time, that’s all you can do. Think of this as a step in the right direction. You’re giving him the space he asked for, and I think it will be good for you, you won’t have the constant distraction & temptation of talking to him.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Taking a step is always good. How you decide to respond from this point forward will determine how beneficial it will be to this time of reflection. One day at a time…no rush…allow yourself some room to make mistakes…and if you do…try your best to see the positive in each one…because there is some positive in each situation. This is not going to be a perfect journey, but it can become a better one depending on which vantage point you choose to view it from…wishing you the best!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been in your shoes, more times than I can count. I have finally learned . . . instead of waiting, I put myself in the driver’s seat and take action for my own happiness. It’s tough and I can’t say I always feel happy, but I feel strong. Hang in there πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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