Showing scars

I share so many personal things on this blog. From hopes, fears, love, loss, photographs, anger. I’ve shared about my suicide attempts, relationships, friendships. But this isn’t something I’d normally share. I feel vulnerable just thinking about it. But given I’ve shared photos of my self harm scars it feels somewhat right to write this post. K

I’ve entered into an intimate situation with an amazing man. Im refusing to label it. Because well I don’t know what “it” actually is. Being new its opened my eyes to so much. I’m not going into those details but something has brought me to complete acceptance of my self inflicted scars the cover both my upper legs. Laying there enjoying the moment, after glow so to speak. I realised I was completely vulnerable, exposed. For the first time since I had cut, my scars were on full view to another person. They had been seen before. But I’d always tried to keep it minimal. Yet here I lay with no where to hide. I considered moving so they couldn’t be seen. But something unknown stopped me. Then he lightly ran his fingers over one leg. Directly on my scars. I completely froze. No one had touched them before. I turned my head towards him looking at him. I was scared. No actually truth be told I was terrified. That they would disgust him. But when I realise he was looking directly at them, I was watching him so intently. There was no look of disappointed, pity nor disgust. He gently ran his hand over the deep scars. Turned and looked at me and simply smiled.

I’d never felt so sexy, so normal. I always saw myself as disfigured because of them. I was absolutely ashamed. Desperate for them to disappear. I’ve finally fully accepted them. My scars are part of me. Yes they have faded. I hope they continue to do so. But I realised in that moment. He gave me a gift he has no idea I needed. He saw me at my most vulnerable and still looked at me as the women I am. Not disfigured by scars. I’m so grateful for not only my own acceptance but that of another.

So many powerful moments making me realise everything is going to be ok

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66 thoughts on “Showing scars

  1. Beautiful story and one almost identical to my own! In 4 months I am marrying that man who accepted me for all I was, instead of reprimanding all I wasn’t. All the best and enjoy these moments of joy and acceptance πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Sometimes when we less expect it, we find someone that makws us realise that those scars (physical ones or not) they are part of us, and a thing not to be ashamed of. I’m so happy for you that you’ve find this person, and that made you feel normal, sexy and the powerful woman you are.
    Alba

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was encouraging to read for a couple of reasons: 1. You were bad ass enough to be vulnerable, 2. You have accepted yourself as you are and have found acceptance from someone you care about as well πŸ™‚

    Thanks for sharing this story.

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Beautiful… Like everyone who reads your blog, I too feel every nuance you express. Your pain is our pain and your pleasure is our pleasure… I’m so happy for you dear friend… You inspire so many with your writing 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  5. We all have scars…some visible, some well hidden. Those who truly care for us accept us as we are, make us feel and understand it’s all part what makes us, us. Good for you. Best of luck in this new relationship I hope you can one day label.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Reblogged this on Jin Okubo and commented:
    This is an awesome post. And I must say it reminds me of my fantasy novel that I wrote. The first one so as in reading this post I got a bit of a deja vu experience.

    Like

  7. Beautiful.. I admire your courage to express yourself. It’s something I am resolving the conflict in me to be totally raw and naked in expressing myself… Working on it.. Thank you for showing that it’s okay to be myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Awesome when Someone Loves you-All of you, Good bad and in-between…. No judgment .. Just a fact that whatever you have been through made you the wonderful person that they met and want to get to know better… So Happy for you-Hope he continues to stay true to that !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Showing scars | All Things Chronic

  10. A very touching read. You have great courage and your attitude is admirable.Tbe scars tbat I bear are those inflicted by life and cannot be seen.They form part of my very being and lead me through the dark times. I stand on solid ground.

    Liked by 1 person

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