I share so many personal things on this blog. From hopes, fears, love, loss, photographs, anger. I’ve shared about my suicide attempts, relationships, friendships. But this isn’t something I’d normally share. I feel vulnerable just thinking about it. But given I’ve shared photos of my self harm scars it feels somewhat right to write this post. K
I’ve entered into an intimate situation with an amazing man. Im refusing to label it. Because well I don’t know what “it” actually is. Being new its opened my eyes to so much. I’m not going into those details but something has brought me to complete acceptance of my self inflicted scars the cover both my upper legs. Laying there enjoying the moment, after glow so to speak. I realised I was completely vulnerable, exposed. For the first time since I had cut, my scars were on full view to another person. They had been seen before. But I’d always tried to keep it minimal. Yet here I lay with no where to hide. I considered moving so they couldn’t be seen. But something unknown stopped me. Then he lightly ran his fingers over one leg. Directly on my scars. I completely froze. No one had touched them before. I turned my head towards him looking at him. I was scared. No actually truth be told I was terrified. That they would disgust him. But when I realise he was looking directly at them, I was watching him so intently. There was no look of disappointed, pity nor disgust. He gently ran his hand over the deep scars. Turned and looked at me and simply smiled.
I’d never felt so sexy, so normal. I always saw myself as disfigured because of them. I was absolutely ashamed. Desperate for them to disappear. I’ve finally fully accepted them. My scars are part of me. Yes they have faded. I hope they continue to do so. But I realised in that moment. He gave me a gift he has no idea I needed. He saw me at my most vulnerable and still looked at me as the women I am. Not disfigured by scars. I’m so grateful for not only my own acceptance but that of another.
So many powerful moments making me realise everything is going to be ok