As the sun set upon this day. Reality kicked in. My children tucked peacefully in bed. My home to quiet. I’m so tired yet wide awake. I’d achieved a fear bit today. Not only my home clean, caught up with a neighbour, gardens and lawns all done. I’d gone looking for an outfit suitable for a funeral (epic fail). I’d completed 3 new zen tangles. I’d been on stand by for my friend. I also realised I’d pushed everything away. I wasn’t distracting I was avoiding. So as i try and unwind my mind going into overload. The death of my best friends dad has brought up more things then I thought possible. Unsure how to support someone through grief. Questions about death from my 6 year old. Thoughts of my own father whom I havent spoken to for more the 2 years, questioning if I made the right choice. My own attempts at taking my own life. When my mum nearly died. People I’ve lost contact with and miss. My step son who I saw today. My children. So Much more. I also realised when I got the bad news whom I wanted to reach out to first. My sailor. I’m missing him so very much I wish I could just curl up in his arms and drift into a peaceful sleep. Feeling safe in his arms. My issues feel so minor compared to a death of a parent. Serious illness with a young boy I know of. Death brings so many questions yet somehow puts everything into prospective
Over and out bloggers land. Taking tomorrow off from here to support my best friend who’s dad just past away earlier today. Need to be there for her the best way I know how. For me to try to process the many emotions I myself are feeling. To organise suitable outfit for the funeral and to spend more time with my children. Emotionally I’m completely drained.and just don’t have the head space or mind frame to blog.
Sadness and missing someone doesn’t mean I’m laying in bed all day unable to function. Quite the opposite in fact. I’m abit lower in my mood then normal. But I’m still a functioning women. Just vent through my writing as not to bottle up my emotions and have them smack me in the face at a later date. I’m using it to create, between writing and zentangles. Children, cooking, gardens, housework. Taking care of myself. Getting out and about. So I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. My sailors away, I’m missing him, I’m writing about him and us a lot. But I’m algood.
Mum – kelzbelz is dating someone
Old therapist – is she living back in her past or has she moved to here future
Mum – he could be considered the past
Old therapist – looks down with saddeness
Mum – but …… Its a good thing its “sailor”. “Marks” gone.
Old therapist – smiles awesome. She’s taken on the future and let go of the past.
Me – having her ( Old therapist) blessing for us means the world to me. Someone whom knows me so deeply, whom understands me. Knows what I’m at by the look in my eyes and the expression upon my face.
Outcome i miss my Old therapist but proud I’m out in the big world on my own
Always just a few judgemental arses around. When you spend hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, for more 18 months, then you can tell me what to write or share. I put in the work. I run this blog. I decide what gets put up and when. So to the small minded judgemental few take alook at the unfollow button. Not rock science aye. If you don’t like it don’t follow. As for the bulk of my awesome followers thank you for you ongoing support on here.
Spent a lot of time zentangling today as to distract myself
Learning free hand and different grades of pencils
Tinker bell for my girl (feels a little unfinished with nothing done to the hair. But since I couldn’t decide I left it as is)
And last but not least (freaking toke me hours) butterfly and flowers
About 28 hours has all its been. Sailors only gone a week. Keeping busy. Being productive and creative. But last night dawned on me that I was going to sleep without him by my side. Waking alone. Feel a sense of sadness and longing already. I’m afraid I’m going to drive you all nuts this week. Missing him this bad im going to have to vent somehow. You know what’s nuts I realised I made to coffees this morning. I’m going crazy I tell ya. Out of this world crazy.