Shit I hate BPD.

Shit I hate BPD. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of friendships and relationships. Fear of what feels like everything. Its hard today. Something’s upset me. Which it shouldn’t. However can’t seem to shake the feelings. I really just want to feel like my normal self. Not this over emotional, out of control, panicked self. I popped my own balloon haha didn’t need anyone to do it for me. Feelings of I’m not worth it. Better off being alone then stuffing up someone else’s life. Subjecting someone to this craziness. Damn just realised that maybe its not BPD. Maybe its me. Just plain old me that’s the problem. And that its convenient that I have a personally disorder which pretty much says I have major issues with interpersonal relationships.

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74 thoughts on “Shit I hate BPD.

  1. I can take having two separate levels of living (either up or down), But I hate the arguments about who controls the middle ground that cause me to be indecisive about everything except overeating or binge spending. Moderate to medicate or medicate to moderate, that is the question!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Kelzbelz!

    Your courage and your bravery to put it all out here is inspiring.

    Yes, this is going to sound rose-colored glasses. When the balloon gets popped and those lousy feelings come rushing in, is there a way to honor those feelings? So what if it is you? What part of this gives you wisdom, insights and knowledge that only come from these times? What part of this fuels your beyond incredible photography in which you capture such magnificent detail and energy? What part of this enhances your ability to see the world through an inspired lens that you share here so magnificently?

    I for one am cheering you on Kelzbelz and look forward to your posts. Please know I’m wrapping you in thoughts of grace and kindness for the incredible person you are.

    Liked by 2 people

    • aw linda thank you. you’ve blown me away with your comment. Your right who care’s if its just me or bpd, it’s still me. The low did allow me to create which was powerful for me. Thanks you for being such a kind person, not enough like you about.

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  3. Whatever just happened. Be aware that you just experienced the most wonderful feelings you dreamed of for long. It was unexpected and a surprise. You were propeled in higher spheres. This is overwhelming because so new. After the rise there comes a little fall. Don’t overate it. Don’t blame BPD or yourself. I’d say this is normal. Be patient with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been there. Just know that its not you. Our brains are a cocktail of hormones. Sometimes the balance of hormones are off, and we suffer. It’s okay to feel like this, and you’re not defective. When we get into the mode of hating ourselves, pushing people away, and assuming the worst case scenarios, it’s probably a good time to reality check. Talk to your loved ones, talk about your problems, seek therapy, reach out to other people out and don’t push them away. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s easily one of the worst feelings I know. I hope you find the light on the other side of the tunnel and find your way through the darkness quickly.

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  5. You stopped me in my scroll through the reader. I knew in my heart that anyone who can overcome the fear of not being enough to put those feelings out to the world…is absolutely enough. You always were and now we truly know that you are! Work it through and know that you aren’t alone. xxoo

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  6. I’d say so. I’ve offered my friendship several times. I’ve offered Skype voice calls, phone calls, whatever I could and got like-clicks for response. The offer is still open. I’m not sure all who is fearing a relationship here. But what I do know for sure is, kelz, it’s not me. 😦

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  7. Try to encourage your soul that today is a day and nothing more, emotions are dynamic and not static (especially for us who struggle with complicated curveballs like BPD). Do something, one day at a time, and avoid seeking longterm meaning in it. I have found that when the downs overtake the shadows of my mind and I just can’t find that positive thread to grip onto, it’s better to step back from the “whole life” picture and get myself on track with a one-day-at-a-time task. Not that you don’t know how to handle your own tendencies. You’re so worth the journey and all the craziness that comes with it… let yourself feel what you feel, but keep a tiny part holding onto that thought that today is just a day and tomorrow may be different or the same-but it’s just a day. The only constant thing is change, so whatever bad is happening now or being felt now must change. You are worth everything.

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  8. I think you are just afraid not to be hurt. Fear of abandonment and fear of falling are our only instinctive fears , the rest have been learned. Fear is normal, embrace it. What you should know about yourself is that you have courage too. Otherwise you wouldn’t have had any relationship or friends or children so you are good . I honestly believe you can overcome it. You did it before right? πŸ™‚

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  9. You’re not the problem, I’m sure you know. It’s the BPD freak show that’s jazzed up your brain with poison chemicals. Anyone with a serious chronic condition probably feels as you do–I do anyway. I suppose, though, that the only people with mental illness/disorders who are happy with them are probably psychopaths–because they know that they’re not the problem…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I have a friend who has BPD, and it’s heartbreaking. Ive also copped it when he felt I may have been ingenuine or he took something I said the wrong way and, and ywt you could tell underneath it that he knew he was being irrational (I think just added to the situation). I hope you have loved ones who can help you through this, setea it is hard to see the rainbow through thw storm

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  11. I know how hard it is, but try not to beat yourself up that the thing “shouldn’t” have upset you. The seemingly smallest things can upset us all (even people who don’t have to deal with BPD on top of it!)

    If you’re open to a suggestion, I’ve found that not fighting with my feelings can sometimes help (the struggle wears me out so). This 7 minute video has helped me sometimes:

    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You’ve summed up exactly how I feel in one paragraph.

    The way I deal with it is to make it seem smaller somehow. You know, because it’s a big thing in your mind because one feeling of unworthiness keeps repeating itself over and over. So if you repeat something else, something more positive, over and over, you can ride out the wave, so to speak. For me, anyway, it’s like a wave; it comes, it goes and any little thing can trigger it.

    If fear of rejection is taking hold of you, you can lightheartedly repeat in your mind, “So what? What’s one more person rejecting me?” If fear of abandonment has you, you can say, “Oh well. Now there’s room in my life for someone new.” Fear of relationships, for me, is more of me holding back on trusting anyone because of what I perceive as people being unreliable and inattentive toward me. And to that, I say, “Have a good life. If you want me in it, great. If not, more time for me to do whatever I feel like doing.” If I feel panicked about something, I don’t take a deep breath; instead, I breathe normally, because what I do when I’m feeling normal is breathe normally, not take deep breaths. Plus, I start thinking about something entirely different, repeating that other track in my head until it becomes my focus.

    The point is that whenever negative feelings arise in me, when I start to hear those thoughts about how worthless I am and how nobody gives a shit about me because my text messages count is a constant 0, I start to think about the pros of being alone. I cook whatever I want. I watch whatever movies or TV shows that interest me (I don’t have to watch something I don’t care about). I take a walk whenever I feel like it to wherever I feel like going. In short, I do what pleases me. And I know what pleases me because I know myself better than anyone else who would simply be guessing at what I like and what I like to do.

    Yes, it sucks having shitty feelings. It sucks feeling like you’re unloved. It sucks feeling like you don’t belong with anyone or don’t belong anywhere on this entire planet. Living in solitary confinement, out in the open, sucks. But the next time you look into a mirror and see yourself as the problem, remember that you’re also staring back at the solution.

    Be your own solution. If you feel like no one can love you, then at least try to love yourself. Maybe while you’re learning to love yourself, someone will come along and help you to melt those fears just a bit. And if that doesn’t happen, so what? You have you and you are all you need.

    Sorry for the long reply. I kinda hate it when my reply is longer than the person’s post. I feel like my reply should be shorter. You know, because I don’t want to look like I’m babbling or something.

    I’m babbling now, aren’t I? I should just stop typing.

    Okay, I’m going to stop typing now. Here’s me not typing anymore… as soon as I finish this sentence… πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  13. What? All those things you fear are lies. Look at how many people love and care about you. The number of people that follow your blog and life Because the truth is your an amazing human, gifted beautiful, and talented. Most importantly God loves you. He made you so very special. He makes us all so very special and of great value. We were made to be loved and to love don’t be afraid of it!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I feel exactly the same way with my mobility problem, I don’t want to live like this and don’t want to burden or subject someone else to it, especially if you love them. I’m just glad I have my dogs to keep me too occupied to dwell on these emotions too often. Take care of yourself and thanks for the follow xx

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Possibly, a a self-perception misrepresentation because I am sensing something totally positive coming from you that brightens my day and I don’t even know you. I think we all feel that way sometimes. I’ve kicked my own ass 5000 times in the past four weeks. That is a record.

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