Happy new years eve

I’ve done reflecting as we all do at this time of year.

This year started as one of the most difficult, loss of relationship, step children, family. I had depression, anxiety, on medication. Basically lost.

But that changed on the 11th of February. When an old friend came back in to my life. We fell head over heals and the girl who hated marriage.got engaged. My sailor and I have began to build a life together saving to build a tiny home and land. A family, a tight unit.

I’ve now a teen son and nearly 7 year old daughter. We have connected and bonded more this year then any other. I’m proud of them both.

I’ve advanced so much with my photography. Tried new things, art, zentangle, wood burning, woodcarving etc

I’ve returned old hobbies. I’ve faced health issues and won. I’ve gone of medication, come out of my shell.

So much to speech of. My life has turned to something I never imagined.

Now it’s time to go relax with my fiancĂ© and children and continue to love life

For once I want to be listened to

For god sake for once me first. My needs not wants but god damn needs. I work my arse  of for everyone else. You need something I do my best to support n give it. You want something the same thing. For fuck sake hear me listen to me take on board what i say. Instead of ignoring it.

So sorry I’m not going anywhere wrong choice of words

My last post seemed to be a trigger of concern for a lot. Goodbye for ever in a way is a tribute to the final demo of my old local hospital. I was born there as was my brother n sister. Its been part of the skyline forever and bow its gone.

I promise one thing no matter how tough life gets suicide is not an option. Twice failed never again. I’ve struggled but its ok a bad day doesn’t mean bad life.

Also my blog. I’ve had it 2 and a half years. It drives me nuts takes so much time, sometimes I take a break other times I’m ocd blogger. At the end of the day I’m proud of the work I’ve put into this and won’t be giving it up.

Thanks so much for the concern and messages means alot

Merry Christmas everyone

So excited to be spending our first Christmas as a couple together. What more could a girl want two amazing kids and an incredible fiancé.

Have a great one bloggers

Can’t change the past, can’t predict

The future, focus on the present. Well by present I meant right this minute. This is something I’ve found myself repeating over and over if I can’t sleep. And last night I couldn’t. In a way I use it as mindfulness. The more I repeat the more I can have other thoughts enter my mind, I can acknowledge them and repeat.

I’ve needed openness from a person lately, and yesterday I got it. Instead of finding peace I’ve found my head swirling with emotions, fear and pain. I’ve learnt I can stand up for myself and my children like never before. This I’m proud of, not the delivery but its something I’ve been unable to achieve. Yet it’s a double edged sword, feeling like I’ve failed as a partner, as a mother, as a person is ripping me to shreds.

My walls so carefully knocked down have reached a new level. Doubting my abilities to become a good wife. I feel I’m unable to reach out, the day before Christmas I don’t want to intrude on others.

My stomach is full of twists and knots. I needed honesty, we did, we do. But know I have it I don’t know what to do with it. Feeling powerless to support when I know is needed the most.

Even the release of writing is causing me to shake. Anxiety reaching a fever pitch. Fear of a looming panic attack. Want to reach for him, but knowing I won’t.

Fearing my dreams are shattering around me. Trying to keep my happy mask on for my children. I promised my bpd, depression, choices wouldn’t ruin another Christmas like I had allowed in the past.

I’m not religious nor do I prey. But I wish for some space in my mind to remove myself from the intense pain and fear, just for a few days. To see things with a clear head. Not react like my old patterns