Can’t change the past, can’t predict

The future, focus on the present. Well by present I meant right this minute. This is something I’ve found myself repeating over and over if I can’t sleep. And last night I couldn’t. In a way I use it as mindfulness. The more I repeat the more I can have other thoughts enter my mind, I can acknowledge them and repeat.

I’ve needed openness from a person lately, and yesterday I got it. Instead of finding peace I’ve found my head swirling with emotions, fear and pain. I’ve learnt I can stand up for myself and my children like never before. This I’m proud of, not the delivery but its something I’ve been unable to achieve. Yet it’s a double edged sword, feeling like I’ve failed as a partner, as a mother, as a person is ripping me to shreds.

My walls so carefully knocked down have reached a new level. Doubting my abilities to become a good wife. I feel I’m unable to reach out, the day before Christmas I don’t want to intrude on others.

My stomach is full of twists and knots. I needed honesty, we did, we do. But know I have it I don’t know what to do with it. Feeling powerless to support when I know is needed the most.

Even the release of writing is causing me to shake. Anxiety reaching a fever pitch. Fear of a looming panic attack. Want to reach for him, but knowing I won’t.

Fearing my dreams are shattering around me. Trying to keep my happy mask on for my children. I promised my bpd, depression, choices wouldn’t ruin another Christmas like I had allowed in the past.

I’m not religious nor do I prey. But I wish for some space in my mind to remove myself from the intense pain and fear, just for a few days. To see things with a clear head. Not react like my old patterns

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9 thoughts on “Can’t change the past, can’t predict

  1. It’s very frustrating trying not to think of something, yet that is all you can think of. I also practice some mindfulness. Hmmm, have you tried focusing on your happy (mental) place? Maybe also try certain distractions to keep your mind thinking on a certain task ( i.e reading, etc.). I’m not sure if you were looking to just vent or if you were wanting help. If you were looking to vent, just disregard my comment. Hahaha! I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas despite what is keeping you up at night. Please take take! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The holidays are a very difficult time for us all. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. I say just let it go for a few days, close the door and leave it be. Trust me it will be there on Monday. Blessings, dear one ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please focus on all the progress you have made and the future you have ahead of you. Yes, now is what we have, so throw your worries aside and share the holiday with those you love and who love you! I wish you every happiness!

    Like

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