To re enter my life. Again its 1:30am and I’m wide awake. So as kind of a refresher for my dbt therapy I’ve just download a mindfulness meditation app on my phone. Normal skills are not helping nor is medication my doctor prescribed a week ago. So time to dig time and remember my skills. I’m facing a lot of challenges due to severe lack of sleep and horrible vivid nightmares when I do. But am hopeful as I return to my therapy skills. I’m also going to try to write more here as a way of expressing myself.
My fiancé is waiting for the bus to come home. 9 days away for work its the longest weve been apart. It’s been a roller coaster of a week, I’ve felt every emotion this week, I trust him, I’ve missed him, I felt fear he won’t return, jealously, anger that he leaves, finally joy he’s returning. I feel guilt for my worries, he’s always come home, never given me reason not to trust him. Yet my mind went to dark places this week. I think its time to get extra support. Because I won’t allow old patterns not my past to ruin the future with us.
My fiancé is away for work again. While I’m grateful we got to spend new years eve and wake up together new years day. I’m sad that hes gone. To be honest things had been really strained between us for a while and we were pulling ourselves out of the funk. Then he has to leave for a week. I’m finding him going more and more challenging. We’ve talked about it. I know why he’s going and respect his work and time out. Its proberly a good thing, teaches us not to take each other for granted, space for ourselves and never hurts to miss someone. But doesn’t make it easier. I’m excited for the year ahead. For us. Our family. Our plans. Maybe I’m being stupid. But I feel so lost today. Just want to hear his voice. Hold each other. I wanted to go with him for a few days but as yet hasn’t happened. I don’t want to resent the situation but I wish he wasn’t going a way for work. I’ve got so many hobbies yet I can’t seem to focus on anything. I want to be home, I want to be out, I want to be alone, I want to be surrounded by people. Stupid work, stupid mind, arghhhhh this just plain sucks