A beautiful paint I stumbled across
Its even harder then I ever thought. I’ve been there on going as many know I have borderline personality disorder. My mama bipolar. An aunt whom committed suicide. Friends and family. But I’ve never been in the position of having someone else’s mental health (maybe wrongly diagnosed) affect me so deeply into my core. To love a person whom may be willing to throw our life away when they’re on a extreme low. How to not take it personally when you feel blamed for everything. Yet you know you can’t and don’t want to give up on them. You don’t know how to get them to understand they’re worth it, that you are 100% committed to them. That they do need support of the mental health team, prob meds and therapy. That I’d do it with them. I’ve proves it before sitting out side waiting to with a ciggy, coffee and a hug n listening ear. I feel blindsided. I’m not blind to the issues we face but I in no way thought it could lead to the end. Others trying whom see the lows and manic highs trying to support us both unable to come up with answers. Searching the net trying to find advice. Telling the person I won’t give up. Accepting my faults and apologised. Yet at the same time waiting for the person to leave. Knowing there’s a real chance by the end of the day my darling will have packed his bags and left me. And I’m powerless to stop him. Ive sort help from our mental health team today I’ll go in for a last ditch attempted to get him to stay. Because together or apart my darling needs the team knowing, he’s a kind, caring loving man. My love, my best friend, the man I married not 3 months ago. I heard a saying don’t marry the man who you can’t life without, marry the one you can but don’t want to. So I married the man I don’t want to live without out. I married the man who shook my life up to the core. Who I thought would never give up on me. I married the man whom I admire, cherish and love so deeply. Marriage is in good times and bad. I just wish mental health new that to. My darling sailor. Whom I crushed on for a long time, who asked me to marry him, who knew my all, who pulled the wedding forward. Who loves me and I him. I’m not religious but I pray he doesn’t leave me today.
When you are blindsided and know it’s the beginning of the end of the life you love. Watching the hands of the clock slowly ticking as you are waiting to hear the news you never thought would come. We you believe in someone so much and they can’t see it. When you work so hard for a better life but fail anyway. Shattered I’m just shattered
11:20pm and while I should be asleep I’m instead over thinking tying myself in knots. Trying to work out how to help someone who does see they need it or want it. Trying to be support only to have it all thrown in my face. Weeks of hard work not acknowledged instead blamed for things I have no control over. Sometimes I hate mental health. Mine and others. When you can’t force someone to seek the help you know they desperately need. To feel powerless and to be honest useless in many ways. I’d been managing to keep my head high. But today I’ve dropped the ball maybe I need to go back to mental health. Seek more therapy. Medication. I’m running on empty. Feeling like a complete failure. Now my sleeps effected to I know I’m likely to fall back into depression. But for right now I need to vent. Fuck money, study, job hunting, getting the silent treatment, bending over backwoods for those who take it for granted. Fuck it all
Silence speaks volumes and it breaks my heart