Vaping

So this whole vaping things turning out awesome. This week I’ve on my own cut down so much. I reckon by the end of the week I’d have cur back a whole 30g tobacco. More then $45 I’m really proud. I brought the coffee eliquard and omg its devine my two favourites finally combined tobacco and coffee. I also got the engery drink flavour which I can’t wait to try. There’s a pay it forward group in nz whom gifted my hubby a vaper to for free with a melon style eliquird. I’m so proud that I’ve managed to cut down so much never thought it would happen. Only disadvantage to the vaper I brought is the battery life isn’t the best. But I have the option of buying a second at some stage. My hubby is been super supportive as are my kids. My 13 year old came out and said hey mum I’ve been researching vaping and its 95% healthier then ciggys good on you. I’m not wanting to quit smoking but to get to a 30g per week. And once my tobacco plants are grown its be nearly free. I’m nearly 32 and this is the least amount I’ve smoked since 16. Yay for vaping

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Start of a new week

Happy Monday all. Life’s been hectic lately, between working on things with my husband, study, dentists, driving lessons, job hunting, my kids. Today I have my housing job trial. Only three hours but a cash job. Every little bit counts.

I’ve been cutting down on smoking we’ve saved a 30g this week between us. I think mainly from me buying a eciggy. Vaping is really helping. I’m struggling today because we are nearly out of ciggys but I’ll sort something. Pretty proud of my self. The vape has paid its self back in the week. Any vapers  out there?

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Anyways new week new attitude. Onwards and upwards

Trying to get on a roll

After handing in my first assessment I got an email back from my tutor with just a couple of things to adjust on my assessment. I was a little annoyed as they were minor, n silly mistakes. But then I realise that it wasn’t a fail just a touch up n good lesson in proof reading. But hey I redid it and emailed in back. Waiting on the conformation email that I’d done it to standard. In the mean time I pulled finger and completed and emailed another assignment. I’m learning that I’m over thinking a lot which is throwing me off. So I’m pleased I’m doing this course firsts to re-learn how to learn. Before my next course starts at the end of July. I’m most looking forward to the hands on learning of the hospitality course. All in all a productive study day

First assessment

For course handed in. I’ve kind of put it off. Fear of failing, feeling stupid etc. But I completed it and emailed through to the tutor. Bow the waiting game for if I passed. Nervously excited

Who hits a dog during a driving lesson???

What a day, interesting, frustrating, challenging

So passed our house inspection yay and landlord didn’t even notice 13 chickens in the backyard lol (gave our chicks extra food as a well done for being quiet lol). Bonus we get a new rangehood and brand new curtains and curtain rails through the house. Super exciting about that.

The job interview didn’t happen. I think I dodged a bullet there. I’m a little sad and disappointed but at the end of the day its ok.

And my driving lesson. Head out going well and a car pulls straight out in front of me managed to miss them. Carry on calming my nerves. Driving along noted there a hazard of a dog and before I could blink instincts toke over it ran straight out at me. Id already take immediate action breaking and serving. Sadly I hit the dog. We pulled over the dog was alright. No damage to the car. We found the owner who at 1 in the afternoon was drunk and didn’t care at all. The dog had a small amount of blood on its mouth but acting normally. The instructor took the address and will be going back to talk to his wife to make sure the dog is def ok. So by now my nerves were shot. Bit got back in the car and carried on. Another car pulled out in front of me and 3 nearly hit me. I got back home and my instructor said “if you were sitting your drivers test today I would have passed you”. I was shocked. Bit he said that I was aware of my hazards and acted quickly and did everything right. He believed none of it was my fault. And he said because of my quick action the dog didn’t die nor injury. I’d done everything how hed taught me and that I’d carried on despite the pressure showed I’m a good driver.

So back home now its hit me hard that I’d hit a poor animal, I’m really drained bit proud of myself and how I handled it all. I’ll be pleased for bedtime.

Big day head

Housing inspection today, where my landlord will find see the 13 chickens and how we’ve transformed the yard to garden. I’m guessing we’ll be told to get rid of the chickens but I’m not sure. The rest I’m not worried about beauty of ocd my home always looks nice n is cleans n no damage. Then I have another driving lesson first in the rain a little nervous but excited. Then the big job interview. I’m feeling pretty confident, even tho nervous, my goal to keep my anxiety down. Ive got this. Had the last of my dental work done yesterday so very tender but its just a few more days of healing and I’ll be right. Small things for a lot but life feels hectic at the moment. Looking forward to today being over to just relax for a bit

Wahoo

I’m so proud that despite the hard times lately I’ve pushed through. I feel like I’ve had an inner breakthrough. The old me would’ve just given up and quickly. But even tho the status of my marriage is uncertain my husband is still here and trying to make an effort. He picked my girl up late last week and I was so so angry. He didn’t see the issue. I got angry in the mental health appointment that he’d forgotten my girl. Well today he said I’ve set my alarm on my phone to go pick baby up, that is huge acknowledgment for me. I said I could today but needed him to pick her up Wednesday. He asked me to remind him to set his alarm so he get there on time. It was music to my ears team work right there.

Old me being down would’ve cancelled appointments. But last week went to my dentist appointment despite anxiety and my phobia of needles and last appointment tomorrow. I also kept up my driving lessons. I felt so proud because the instructor said I’m ready to sit my full licence and I’m a good driver. So he’s booking me in and while waiting I’ll have my last few lessons.

Plus the whole job hinting. I have an interview for Wednesday and where I’m from that’s hard enough to just get to that point. I also put flyers up for private housing keeping, had an interview today and got the job, cash to so an extra $60 a fortnight. Went to social welfare this morning as I was told I could get help to cover the cost of an outfit doe interviews and they accepted it. So for the first time I. A few years I have a brand-new, jacket, pants, 2x tops, boots and socks.

Last week I felt stuck. Today I feel proud. My husband and I have a lot of work to do if he stays in our marriage. But I needed so hope, some sign and I have that. I have also realised I’m stronger then ever for keeping going, improving myself, seeking help and studying and a part time job.

I’ve been running on empty. Now I’m at quarter full. Enough to breathe, have hope and see the positives. So if to.orrow is a low day I know I can face it

Oh shit

I have a job interview in 3 days. My neighbour came over she’d been into a place in town, spoke to the owner and told him I was looking for a job. So she got his business card. I just gave him a call and while he said there are staffing issues he can’t fire her (he was a talker lol). I asked if I could email him through my CV in case anything came up. And he said no but I’ll meet you for a chat and bring your CV then. I’m freaking out I’ve not been to a job interview in years. Arch breathe kelz breathe this is a good thing

In all my searching I can’t find

Support or experiences of two people both having bpd and being in a relationship. Like hubby and I. I’m trying to reach out to males with bpd or couples etc. So I can understand more of my Hubby’s experiences etc. I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve recently join a support group online. I’m watching YouTube vids but they seem to all be from the female bpd point of view. I’m about to watch two movies again. Girl interrupted  and silver linings playbook. Both brilliant movies which explore bpd and other mental health issues. I’ve also just realised people who know me some what understand bpd. But not me and bpd. My husband and two friends from dbt have it but I’ve realise whilst I shared they understand but from their experience. Not from seeking out my own. And whilst we have the same disorder we are all very different. I’m trying to understand them especially my hubby better by research, docos  etc. But I wonder if anyone has done this to try and understand me and my ways. Maybe I’m just not good at expressing fully how it makes me feel and why. Also I’m not trying to “fix” my hubby just to try to be as supportive and understanding to if I get the chance to be a better wife

Why did you get married?

I know there’s marriage for love, convenience, arranged etc. But what was you reason? Its been on my mind a lot.

I have reasons that I married my husband. Some I I have no idea how to express or comprehend. I’d never wanted marriage, believed it wouldn’t happen in my life. But meeting sailor he touched me deeply in ways I could never have imagined. Suddenly I found myself simply knowing this man was the one I wanted for life. When he proposed on two different occasions I said yes immediately both times. Getting married I was nervous but zero doubts, I know with every part of me it was right.

I remember we had been together a month or so and he’d gone out and come back with a present. It was a gift that made me almost cry. It was art pencils, and rubber. Simple you might say but the best gift. He believed and supported my art. He inspired and pushed me to explore different things. And when I doubted myself he encouraged me.

One night I had a nightmare (I have them most nights) but this night I was terrified. He woke held me so tight, kissed my head and said “I’m here, your safe I’ll protect you”.

He made me laugh to distract me from anxiety attacks. He was able to be vulnerable and open. He was as he said ” able to be weird” with me.

He is amazing with my children.

One night I was hungry (I’m not a big eater) so I sat on the bench in the kitchen while he made and feed me pancakes, laughing joking full of love.

He provides not only in the financial sense bit in all ways.

I admire him and love him so deeply.

I’ve really wondered lately with all that’s happening. Why he married me. Why he could say he doesn’t think we’ll work. He still here, but for how long I don’t know.

Last night I was really struggling so I contacted my mum to look after my children for the night. I had to put my needs above my kids and sailor. I needed to not be responsible for a day. I needed to breathe. I had all these ideas on spending time with hubby. But couldn’t face rejection. So kept quite

Then he surprised me by asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him. Instant tears and a yes from me. And its just what I needed. No words just being together.

Yesterday I’d told him I missed him. He replied he missed me to. After one I said I missed his laugh. With a sadness in his eyes he replied I do to.

Its always been the simple things that are most powerful with us. The action. I’m preparing myself for when he ends up leaving. I just hope he knows that what ever he decides. He has a wife who he touched deeply and turn my world into something amazing. That I’ll forever be grateful, a love like this comes but once.