Feel like a failure

Im disappointing my blog has sunk back into the negative again. I’ve caught so hard to be well, to be positive. But if I’m honest I feel like I’ve failed again. I’m seeking help, which logically I know is a great thing but emotionally feels so wrong and backwards. Its confusing. Because I so conflicted. I feel like I’ve failed my husband our marriage. My children. I know I love my husband, our life, our future. I thought things were going along fairly well. Yes we got hit with a major blow when our benefit was slashed by $150 a week. I’ve been working hard, getting a CV, starting study, job hunting, looking after my kids supporting my hubby, keeping our home well, cooking, washing. Everything I thought made me a good wife. I’ve know my husband has been suffering with mental health issue. I’ve tried boosting him up, loving him, giving him space yet being right there. I’ve taken the lead with our financial stuff as it triggers him, but all the while keeping him fully informed. But I cant get his comment “I don’t think our marriage will work” out of my head, he thinks we want different things, my proietys are all messed up. But nothing for me had changed. I still wanted the same things, the same foals of saving for our dirt n home. Bit I’m real that we need to live the now as well, we haven’t had the money to save, even though I want to. I don’t get his sudden shift from literally one day saying g how happy, in love and sucure he felt. To the next morning this. He’s day five of been away, I’ve hardly heard from him. I don’t k ow if he’ll return tonight like planned. I’m terrified he won’t. Because I don’t want our marriage to be over. I want to work on us. I know it’ll take time and hard work, but that’s marriage its not all going to be rainbows and butterflies everyday. I feel abondend and rejected by the person I last expected. I feel like I let him down for seeing him get lower and lower and not seeking help fast enough. Even though I’ve brought it up more then once. I then feel I betray him by going behind his back to get help. Help he won’t accept and doesn’t think he needs. I feel like I’ve failed him we’ve been married less then three months and my husband is so unhappy. He thinks I told him to leave, I didn’t I asked him after a week of being left in the dark if he was staying or leaving, explaining I didn’t want him to leave. I thought I’d be a better wife. I’ve let him down


17 thoughts on “Feel like a failure

  1. I don’t want to see u go to same phase of hardships as earlier… Because u have made so huge efforts to sail thru the storms and u have done a commendable job in fighting odds . u r an amazing women who is trying hard to making everything look perfect. Do not worry he will understand it slowly. Be patient

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Often, during stressful times, the best thing to do is nothing at all. Usually all emotions are high – even the ones that are controlled – and no decisions should be based upon emotions.

    Granted, it’s just my opinion, but I tend to think things have a way of working out…patience isn’t all that overrated – even as horrible as I am at having any patience. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You can’t control him or his actions. If you want to work on the marriage continue to do so (with the counselor if you need) and he may come around. You need to do what is best for you in the marriage to make it work.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I understand your feelings all too well. Hang in there. Marriage is tough and hard work. Try to give him his space when he’s in a mood, but let him know how much you want this to work and let him know how much you want him. Not need… Want! I’m no expert and I don’t know all the story and history. I’m just going on my personal experience of living with a man I worshiped but he was always telling me it wasn’t working. He died two years ago and we were together 43 years. It haunts me now.. Did he love me as much as I loved him and why would he say those hurtful things? I’ll never know. But I believe his low self esteem and my low self esteem fed each other. Leaving was not an option and I had lots of reasons I should have, but didn’t. Anyway… Good luck and hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You have to be sure to take care of yourself … for you and your kids …and sailor. You are not responsible for his feelings and can’t control them. Stay strong and keep at it. I am anxious to hear he came home!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You have not let anyone down. It’s ONE DAY AT A TIME. Just hang in there. As an older woman with bipolar disorder who is also an artist, I can tell you that these kinds of problems are what MAKE YOU. Nobody expects happiness every damn day … that would be ridiculous. Do we have sunshine everyday? No, we have to have clouds & rain sometimes. So just plugging along & as they say in AA … THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Biggest hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I feel and hear your pain, feel like I am swimming upstream, similar with less money per week, studying hard, doing everything i can to find work around 3 kids, single, hanging on by a thread, but as someone said, this to shall pass, one day at a time, all the very best, as for marriage it takes Two..

    Liked by 1 person

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