25th June 2013

I started this blog nearly 3 years ago. I’ve decided to share my first blog post.

https://kelzbelzphotography.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/day-1-the-beginning-of-my-journey/

Some have been with me from the beginning. So along the way. Lately there’s been a shift in me and my posts. I won’t lie I’m struggling. I was given diagnosis of boarderline personality disorder 3 years ago. I’ve suffered prenatal, reactive depressions, pstd, ocd, anxiety for my whole life. I was a self harmer, and I made two serious attempts on my life again three years ago which had me hospitalised twice. I lost the care of my children for 3 months. I lost everything, I was homeless for a short time.

But I fought for help and got it. I spent more then a year with intensive dbt group therapy, one one therapy, help of a support worker. My blog was the beginning of my recovery. My safe outlet.

I worked my way to get to where I am. I got my kids back and am a great mum. I pulled myself out of financial ruins, made a home. Meet the man of my dreams and got married.

Lately tho things have slipped I’m fighting to save my marriage. I married a good man. I married a man who has been through hell and back. Who has suffered with mental health and at the moment is struggling.

I felt my old fears surfacing. So I’m reaching out through my blog, my rant outlet. I’ve reached out to mental health, heading to the doctors today. I’m not allowing myself to sink to what I was three years ago. I don’t blame my husband for my position. Yes its contributed but I am my own person and my health and well being lays on my shoulders.

Im aware people believe I’ve slipped back to were I started. Fair from it. I’m not cutting I’m and I repeat I’m not suicidal. I’m struggling. The old me never sought help till it was to late. the new me knows when my triggers have been activated I have to act fast. So I have. I guess I just needed to let the newbies know. As it can appear I’m doing nothing to help myself. When an actual fact I’m doing everything in my power to help myself and my husband.

I’m a realist. I know what I’m at I’m seeking helping. I’m using my therapy skills and I’m going to be ok.

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10 thoughts on “25th June 2013

  1. Of course you are going to be okay. You have already been to hell in back and are quite familiar with the route. You have learned that is not a place you want to return to so you’ll stay off of those paths. I wish I could tell you that it will be easier, but it won’t. You just have to stay strong and go to your support system. I know, believe you me I double know what you are going through. This is just a moment in time and nothing last forever. Peaks and valleys. Go to your happy place ā¤ Blessings and I will be sending happy thoughts to you. I'm really pulling for you !!!!

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  2. I know I’m a total stranger, but I have followed your blog, from the start of your relationship with the sailor, to now. I did think you guys moved a bit fast. I just want you to know it’s ok if you decide this marriage isn’t healthy for you. It’s ok if you decide you want to keep working on the marriage. Either way, please do what’s best for you.

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    • I can understand where your coming from. What I hadn’t shared is how long we were friends first and how n the circumstances we meet. So while we’ve done things fast only being together 18months our story isn’t fast. Really hard to explain. I won’t be ending my marriage. Even tho I know I have choices. I choose to stand by my hubby while he’s unwell.

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  3. kelzbelzphotography,

    I’m not certain if this situation was going on in 2013, or now, in 2016…?

    Either way, From what I can see in this post, you have learnt all about commitment. You have learned that you are in this relationship for the long haul and that this a hole in the road of Life that you have to haul yourself out of.

    There ARE people around who can help you build the ladder that you need. Ignore the people who are negative and say that you are going back to the old ways… find someone supportive who can be your sounding board, someone who will not tell a soul your secrets, someone who you can off-load some tears and frustrations on, if your husband is so low that he can not be there for you in this capacity.

    Tell your husband often, that you are there for him, that he/you can do this, that he is not alone.
    Tell him that professional help will really help. Take him there, be there in the sessions with him, make it clear that you are there not to judge but to support. Tell him you want to be his private sounding board. That his secrets are safe with you. Keep his secrets PRIVATE, tell NO ONE.
    In time he will be able to do the same for you.
    Together you will be stronger but it will take time.

    Does he exercise? Himself avoids depression by training for marathons, the running (exercise) releases endorphins that literally make you feel happy. Running gives Himself some personal space, a quiet zone in his head so that he can think clearly, clear the cobwebs. Pounding out an extra few kilometres and working to his absolute limit can pound out the frustrations of difficult clients and pressing family issues (his mother is dying).

    Any decent physical exercise will do… team sport or solo efforts.

    Make sure you have a regular “Date” night… it doesn’t have to cost much… we babysit for another family so that they can have a date night, they babysit for us for ours. No money changes hands.

    If cash is tight, take a picnic and a kite to the park… but most of all, and most important: a Date night is NOT for talking about problems, kids etc it’s about the two of you having FUN.

    Go for a long walk, to a movie, dinner somewhere (cheap or expensive or even a take-away), leave all your worries at home for a few hours (annoyingly they will all be there when you get back) …take a break from that stuff.
    Believe me, even if it’s just once a month, your Date night will revive you.

    Schedule Date nights in the calendar for you and the family you are sharing babysitting with, for several months in advance, that way the weeks do not just slip away and it becomes only a good intention.
    Good Luck ! You have support and supporters, always remember that šŸ™‚

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