I’m trying

Heading to the doctors in an hour or so, prob be giving medication. After a huge argument with sailor yesterday I managed to get him to mental health. Support for me, him and us. Sadly he’s to skilled with the team but it resulted in me being back under the system. Him not getting help. And the on duty person dismissing all my concerns and taking him at face value, ignoring what was to me a big red flag and giving him the choice to get help or not. Of course he said he doesn’t need it. Basically she said his issues are not mental health they’re are relationship counciling issues. So again I feel like a crazy person and that I’m blamed. Sailor said about councilli g for us. I told him if he sorted it I’d go, otherwise he’s pretty much ignored me. I don’t believe he’ll set it up. I can see it in his eyes that he’s given up, doesn’t think we’ll work. So once again I found myself in the position of loving someone and them not wanting me. I’ve accepted it. I’m distancing myself because I know I’ll be alone again. For me its not a matter of if but when he goes. I was a fool to think we had a break through. I don’t understand why he married me. To me our marriage our vows, our hopes and dreams mean the world to me. I’m faithful, loyal, I cook, clean, do all the washing, I’m learning to save, I support him the best I know how with going away to work, his children, his business ideas, his weird n wacky ideas, his hopes and dreams. I value him and appreciate him, I love him. Now its looking at the one thing I never wanted  in my life will happen and I’m powerless to change it. I never wanted divorce, but I’d be even more foolish n stupid to think it’ll lead to anything else. I reached out to the one place who should be there to support us with our history and they let us down. I’ve run out of options. While we’ve been together I’ve put a lot of work into myself to be the best me possible, for me, him, the children, our marriage and my best isn’t good enough. To switch so quickly for him I don’t understand. I understand his diagnoses because i have the same. I wish he’d have sort help yesterday for him above anything. Because I know he’s a good man, but when he’s sick he regresses back and can’t see any positives for anything. But I still can’t end it because its goes against what I want, believe and our vows. I know marriage is always a work in progress, its hard, its amazing, its everything


9 thoughts on “I’m trying

  1. Gurl…I am so sorry that you are going through this…Marriage is work and you seem to be doing it all…Please do not be so hard on yourself…You are worth more than you know and you have a lot going for you ..Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone …If you need to talk or anything I am here for you


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