Ups and downs

What a rollercoaster from such lows a few weeks ago to such highs

What an amazing week my family had, all back to school, we had production for my course where I did the last of my barista training, dinner date at pacifica restaurant was amazing. Recommend you go. Still trying to remember everything we ate lol Jeremy had us at the chefs table full view of the kitchen. N he decided what we ate instead of letting us choose what menu to go with n he gave us different plates so we could try more of his food. Was the most inspirational meal I’ve eaten n the atmosphere was relaxed but beautiful. Magic seeing my Hubby’s produce on a few of the dishes followed up by my sons 14th birthday. And I’ve just filled out my enrolment forms to start my chef training next year.and my Hubby’s garden business is taking off at great speeds

Feels like life’s 

Falling apart at great speed. I know its a bump in the road. Logically I know it won’t last, things will pick back up, I know life’s not all bad. Just having an overwhelming day of feeling guilt and helplessness. My babies birthday is next week and I feel I’m letting him down. Home life is tense. My sailors away for work. My kids are picking up my emotions and everyone’s on eggshells. Course starts back next week and I’m scared I’ll fail, even though I’ve passed to this point. Financially we’re screwed at no fault of our own our incomings are not covering the bare basics. I’m stressed and frustrated. And annoyed how quickly things can go from amazing to shit in 2.5 seconds. I need a break which won’t happen. I need rest. I need me time. I need family time. I need to stop tiring myself up in knots. And my phone needs to stop with auto correct. argh life


Helped immensely, I cried so hard last night some of my build up emotions were able to free themselves. While with my post last night its great to be able to heal on another level from my attempts have more knowledge and understanding. The reason for the break through not so positive someone dear to me has been suicidal. I wrote the post for them but rereading it I realised it came of as a healing thing for me. But now after sleep I feel I have the strength to support them better. I can’t save the person only they can. But I can keep being here, listening, supportive, understanding and loving.

Wow just had the biggest reality check

Of how much pain I put people through when I was so mentally unwell.

I rung my mum in tears are the gravity of what I did hit. I’ve never been more genuinely this sorry until know because I just didn’t realise. 

I now understand the complete helpless feeling watching someone in such a black hole, the only thing I can do I be there and listen. To try not to take the words personally. To treasure the person. To strong for them and to remind them they will be ok. 

I’m not religious but I can only pray they can see there is light beyond the fog. That they are stronger then they think. And hope.

Because through my experience I know nothing I can say will make it all better, the person need to see that for themselves.

I can only do what I can do, I have support and back up, both family, friends and services 

I seriously pray for this one thing that this special, witty, intelligent, loving, passionate, talents incredible human being can see how much they are wanted and loved and needed. And the world will never be the same without them

Had a chance to calm

Myself, I realise its not fair on my kids or me to shut off, so I told them I needed mama time n had a coffee n smoke. Went back inside cleaned the whole house, cooked from scratch including the pasta home made Mac n cheese and tried churros for the first time. I gave my husband space he finally came home n I through tears listened as he attempted to tell me what’s happening. I spent time just chilling talking with my babies. 

I’m emotional and drained but my gutted was spot on (teach me for not listening to it). I’m going to try get an early night. Before I got batshit crazy with a nozzle that’s tried attacking me for the past half an hour n can’t catch the bugger.

Night all

Shaking in anger

Right now seriously some people are just bloddy assholes. In 24 hours I’ve been made to feel guilty for 3 different things and seriously no need for it.

One was a mums lunch with my I guess ex best friend. I got called in to work n need the money n she guilt tripped bad.

2nd was having a get together I hadn’t said I was going then half an hour before it started she text n called telling me everyone had let her down n when I said I was sick she got sgitty as hell.

Then my man has been stressed n outta no where lost the plot at me, words only. Then proceeded to ingnore me. All night. This morning said he needed some him time so went out for hours. Comes back still snapping or ignoring me and kids., but talked to mates on the phone. He snapped at my girl again n I told them all to stop, our chickens are going nuts (his job) I got upset n look up n he’s taken off again.

Seriously ready to lose my shit at the world, I bend over backward for my husband, kids, family n friends n in return I get bullshit. 

I’ve been so patient with him n argh wtf I’m shaking so badly at the moment this sucks