Dear husband

My dearest sailor. As I lay here knowing I cant say this to you right now and as crazy as I sound. I hope in some way you feel this.

I need to write to you and tell you about the things I remember. Well someone them because there’s so many memories. Yes we’ve had tough times, yes we annoy each, drive each other crazy. But tonight I want to tell you about things that mean so much. Maybe someday we’ll be able to experience it all.

– remember being on your boat and one day I told you I missed your chocolate brownies. You said when I see you I’ll make them again just for you with any topping i wanted and you did. 

– how sneaky you were at the start when I refused to let you contribute financially. One time you snuck $50 in to my pencil case for me to stumble across. Another time you went to the shop and paid for a pack of smokes and asked the owner to give them to me next time I came in.

– our first date were we drove the magic truck over heating got Georgie pie and coffee for dinner and went to see 50 shades of grey.

– before we had a car you use to meet me at the bus stop, with a cup of coffee, ciggy rolled and my favourite blanket so you could carry the food home and walk with me.

– how one night I feel asleep outside in the carport and you went and got me a blanket and kissed me. 

– when you brought me one of my treasured possessions different grade pencils as we walked side by side as I fought back tears.

– how you held my hand waiting for the specialist appointment while I was terrified 

-how your run me a bath, sometimes with a glass of wine. Another when you serenaded me while I giggled.

– how when I couldn’t move with my back you’d rub it until I felt better.

– one night I had a horrific nightmare I couldn’t wake up from but I heard you say baby your safe I’m hear while holding me so tight.

– when you told me one day you wanted to marry me and you’d already got my children’s and mums blessing. Proposing a few weeks later in front of them. Designing my engagement ring as a one of a kind with my favourite stone amethyst in a tear drop you said from tears to happiness (which I later figured out was your birthstone). When two days before our first anniversary proposed again on bended knee just us. When we married and again months later proposed to mW in the kitchen. How I said yes yes yes three times and married you.

Baby do you realise the good outweighs our hard times. That i Remember so much and treasure how you encouraged me, supported and loved me gave me so much that I grew.

Well my sailor I best attempt to sleep. Just know first your were my friend. As as I told you last week I love you at group 3+ years ago I love you now as my best friend and husband and I love you always

Love you alottle

Kelly

I made a mistake tonight

Maybe I’m indenial maybe I’m numb maybe I’m in the calm before the storm. I was watching TV on my laptop after putting the kids in to bed. My mind wondered. I told myself no. But I did anyways I clicked on the photo folder and over the next hour looked through old photos from our less then two years. I looked at all the many old text messages my darling sailor had sent me. It took me back to those times those places, the feelings when I got the messages. Remembering seeing the amazing times we had together. Seeing my husband kids and myself so happy. Further cementing my love for him. Again it made me realise that a long time ago I was having an I’m lucky moment. I look at him and said what would I ever do without you. He replied you’d be fine baby you’d carry on. You’d be the strong independent women I love. I’m not fine without him. Yes I’m carrying on. Yes I can live without him. But god damn it I don’t want to. I want him in my life. I want to go to that hospital and sit there for hours, days weeks for him to finally be well enough to see me. I want him to know I’m being strong not only for me and the kids but him. I believe the together we have strength but when one need sit the other steps up to be the strength for both. How is it even possible that I loved him so much. He’s leaves me. I find out he’s seeking help and now I love him even more. How to I explain to a man not willing or able to listen that he has a strength in him by doing this that truly blows me away. That my love for him has not wavered but instead grown in ways I never knew possible. That I am strong and can support him. That no matter what he is at mentally or physically that my love for him won’t go away. That seeing him one day in the hospital is so hard but I am strong I can see him like this and know he is still the man I feel in love with. That no matter what he’s at I’m not going to turn away from him. How do I show him if I can’t talk to him or see him. How can I convince this man that I just want to see him to wrap my arms around him so tight look him in his eyes and simply tell him I love him. That its all going to be ok. Just to hold him with no words. Just to have him feel my strength and love and know that he has a person who loves him for him all of him the good the bad and the ugly. That while he has to fight his demons himself to get well for him self first that I don’t see any weakness in him. I see a lost man in pain who I love and respect. Why did I go through all those photos. Why couldn’t I just let it be

Finally had a chance to breathe

And I miss him. My body is tense and on edge. My mind trying not to think about him. My heart feels like it broke even more. When again I was told by someone else he’d call soon he’ll come home, just give him time.  But no one knows that. And I’m scared he wont

Update 

Yesterday I got a message from Hubby’s best mate who had reached out again he had no luck. But mate n I had a good conversation him n his wife are being so supportive. I told him I didn’t know what to do. His reply was we will keep trying. I feel lucky to have there support.

As you know I was heading to winz to sort finances yesterday broke my heart but they are going to push to get his sort to. The put me back on the sole parent benefit. Because of public holidays I had a long delay so they not only approved but said they had to back pay me $668 over night as well as early bene of $298. I was shocked I and grateful as I have been on mine money for so long all I could think was rent will be paid, power basics you know. Well the $298 went in but the rest didn’t. I rung them and someone stuffed up and put it in another account. I’m hoping they can fix it. Today being Friday and Monday Tuesday been public holidays if it doesn’t go in tonight then I won’t get it until next week. Plus my normal payments don’t start until the 10 Jan. Just frustrating.

I also deleted my husband’s number so I could give him space. How I don’t know but I did it. Tuesday when I tried to see him I text afterwards n decided I couldn’t text him until today 2 days later. Well I did it. Something so small. Of course I wanted to and it was hard but I was able to give him a few days space.

This is it

In an hour I’ll have to sit in front of a stranger answer questions that I find incredibly personal so that I can sort my benefit. I physically feel sick. I’ve been hoping I’d have talked to hubby, that we’d come up with ways to keep us both well and together. But sadly it hasn’t happened. So now I have no other option. Sadly I need money for rent, food, bills. And there’s no other way

Never ending blog posts

I feel I’m over doing it on here but its helping release something. A few things have happened tonight. Firstly I have to spoly for the solo parents benefit and it crushed me having to say I’m separated from my hubby. I hate it. I didn’t want to do it because I want him and love him and I feel like I’m betraying him by doing it. Even though I have to so I can provide for the kids and keep our home going so I don’t have to deal with financial pressure on top of everything else. 

As you know yesterday I went to see my hubby at the hospital, I knew he wouldn’t aeet me and I was right. But I had to try. Then decided I’d leave him be until Friday (I don’t know why I picked that day) not contacting him today was so hard.

My mum had to go to the hospital to see someone else and I asked her to look for his truck. She text to say she couldn’t find it. When I rung she told me she went to see him. She explained to his nurse that she would be shocked if he did but wanted him to know we care and love him. The nurse went to speak to him and he’d said no he doesn’t want to see anyone. She was great. Mum explained we didn’t know weather to contact him or not cause we didn’t want to make things worse and trigger him. But we need him to kbow we’re here. The nurse responded that we had the right attitude and that he knows we love him n care and it is making a difference. Omg these words were all Ineeded to hear. That is is making a difference and its not triggering him. I cried with relief. Mum said she will be back and the nurse replied he’s still got a long way to go. We are hoping that means he’ll be staying in a lot longer to keep getting the help he needs n deserves. So right now I’m going to allow myself to relax and breathe knowing for another night my beautiful husband is safe. Its given me hope. And all I could think was baby hold on pain ends hope hubby hope just hold on. Keep fighting my darling I will be your strength while you are down. As much as I’m hurting and uncertain in limbo. I kbow 100% I love my husband and my kids and that’s what I have to hold onto

Heartbreak diet

Still the best. Sorry but I gotta find a few positives in this situation. When I met my hubby 3+ years ago I’d been quite sick I was down to 62 KGS n a nz size 7-8. I looked grossed. I got healthy and happily stuck to 65-70kgs nz size 10. Then over the past year I gain a shit load of weight n got up to 85kgs. Wheb I’m super stressed I struggle to eat feeling like I’ll be sick so I make myself at least have small but healthy meals 2 weeks ago I’d weighed myself n i was about 81- 82kg n now I’m 77.9kg yay. Goal 70kgs. I use to be 95kg n when I lost all the weight 7 years ago I promised I’d not be the “fat girl” again o can’t believe I let myself go like that. So here’s hoping I’ve kick started my weight loss journy

I got in and got some jobs done

Sad because they’re my husband jobs. Pissed of cause I hate gardening. Happy cause I finally got to mow the lawns. (When we moved in together I told him I do the lawns, I brought the lawnmower a few years before so proud, then he begged and begged so I let him use the lawn mower lol) so right bow in ya face sailor I won that one haha. Then on to the chickens he wanted them we got them now I gotta take care of them. All this without any gardening tools. Then I got pissed off cause I realised I made it happen n he that damn husband of mine taught me to be even more resourceful. Then I got pissed of because I realised why he enjoyed the huge massive gardens so much it was calming. Also discovered that after nearly 2 years of listening (or half listening) to him talk and talk and talk about gardens that I took more in then I knew. I did however have a child like tantrum at having to do the rubbish and clean out the chicken shit. But now sitting here I’m happy more then half is done. If he does eventually come home, or even to puck up his stuff he’ll see that I cared for his gardens and chickens each morning and every night. I hope he knows how much I love him its the first day of giving him complete space not contacting him at all. And it’s breaking me to know I can’t just tell him. Oh n PS this was after cleaning the whole house, then going to my house keeping job cleaning for 2 hours with two stroppy kids and 10 crazy arsehole chickens

Rant ahead

I’m on a women’s forum normally I’m the kind of person where I just scroll by n not react or let things annoy me but god damn. 

I’m sick of hearing bullshit husband/wife bashing. Like

-if my husband doesn’t put the toilet sit down I’ll leave him

-my husband only got 10 of the 20 things I want for Christmas I’ll leave him

– my husband works 80 hours weeks n he’s never there and doesn’t help around the house but I’m a stay home mum I’m gonna leave him

Seriously the pathetic excuses I’m seeing is driving me insane. Yup vent I get that. But how bout being damn grateful for you other half once in a while. I’ve wanted to post awww poor you you have a husband that works, takes care you u n ya kids, you have a home, nice cars, Christmas. You cab buy food spare a thought for those who have husband’s so mentally unwell they’ve been in hospital for 10 days, refusing to talk to or see his wife n kids. Spare a thought for the wife who on Christmas eve despite having lose her income still sat in tears wrapping a few gifts for the children and making sure they have a good Christmas. Try sparing a thought for the 14 yr old who blames himself and the 7 year old determined to bring him home and not matter what there mummy says feels its up to them to make it happen. Spare a thought for the wife who rings the hospital everyday even tho they won’t tell her anything. The wife who only relaxes when she knew he was in a mh ward and would be safe for that 24 hours. Spare a thought for the women who knows her husband is suicidal and if released will more then likely kill himself. Spare a thought for the family who doesn’t want to bury a great man. Spare a fucken thought for those living in limbo and facing actual fucken problems. I couldn’t care less about the toilet sit being up or down if it meant he was home. I didn’t get no nothing for damn Christmas and my husbands gifts I had to send to the hospital where they searched it in case something in it could harm him.

I kbow I’m being selfish right now. I get everyone has issues. I just wish people would be damn grateful for what thamey have so that they dobt lose there husband like I have 

3 days of practical

Today I have work for a few hours it is only casual n will only bring $40 but that’s better then nothing. Tomorrow I go into winz to get my benefit sorted as a single mum (I don’t want to but I have no choice other no rent gets paid, no food etc.) Could be up to two weeks before its set up. Then the next day doctors. I know I’m able to get 3 free counciling appointments. I’m not looking at meds because I know I’m low and struggling but managing at the same time. So they’re not needed but I’m completely ruling it out. I have a big decision to make of the coming weeks with my course for chef training it starts in Feb so about a month away. I still want to do it more then anything, student loans all sort. Its something I’m passionate about. Here’s the problem the hours range from 8am – 9:30pm five days a week. Meaning I’d have to leave 7:30 on early days and on late days wouldn’t be home to 10pm. My hubby and I had discussed it in great depth. I have 2 kids 7 and 14. Mornings I could cover cause my boy is massive at getting himself to school and before school care for my daughter (not ideal but doable) afternoons would be fine bit only till Max of 6 pm with after school care. So 6-10 I’d have no sitters (I can get support from winz for the 7:30-6 hours but not after) my mum has offered to help which I’m grateful for but both low income I can’t afford the petrol for her to get her and back that many times in a week. My daughter also normally is in bed a 6pm (she’s a kid who needs her sleep) and how is it fair for my son to have to cook 4-5 times a week. I don’t think realistically is possible to do it in a practical sense. But I don’t want to get it up. My hubby had gotten slack on helping around the house but always did the yard chickens n helped with kids I could do food shopping at night while he had my babies. Now i have so much more on my plate. How the heck was I a solo mum for so many years. All I want is to better myself