14 days ago

We were having (and still are) having major problems with the neighbours, escalating from abuse to 3 cars damaged to threats to kill. He told cops, the crisis team, the local MP, everyone. He loved us and would protect us in anyway possible without hesitation. He was progressing us towards moving to keep us all safe.

8days ago knowing he couldnt  stand Christmas we discussed it. He opened up about. So we sat over coffee and worked out a way of all of us enjoying Christmas. We’d cut down the amount of presents and plan 4 family outtings as well. Thing we normally can afford. We told the kids and despite having Christmas changed they and us were super excited planing the outings for the next month. We’d successful worked through another challenge beautifully.

7 days ago. We were celebrating my first ever graduation, he was telling me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. Talking about our future plans, how to manage my study and continue his new business.
6 days ago. He pulled out my coffee bean tree from the green house. I thought it had died despite everything. I was heart broken as it was the 1st anniversary gift he brought me joking that’s our love don’t let it die. He lovingly managed to get new growth on it. Telling me he’d not let it die because like our love he’d never let it die and would fight for our love and never give up. This same night he watched my favourite show with me even though he can’t stand it, feeding me my dinner, he was so romantic.

Everyday he told me countless times how beautiful I am how much he loves me. He was doing a lot better with the challenges of day to day parenting. We were talking more, connecting like we’d never connected before. We had so many plans and despite the hard things happening we had happy, laughter, silliness.

Now everythings gone. Yesterday I was more relieved I knew he was safe. Today I tried to ring , he declined my call, so I thought stuff it a attempt to video call on fb again rejected. And he ignored my message of simple support and me telling him I loved him. I was triggered it suddenly dawned on me he was actively refusing any contact despite now been going 3 1/2 days. I realised that maybe I’m living in a dream land and that he won’t come back. He had while briefly been on fb a few times. I found myself every 5 minutes checking to see if he was online or seen today’s message, if he had changed the status of our marriage public which he hasn’t, or weather he’d blocked me again he hadn’t. So decided instead of tormenting myself I’d just remove the fb and message app from my phone. 

My question. Everyone, my family, friends, his friends even the mental health crisis team (people who supported our therapy) are all telling me its not my fault he loves me, he’s sick, he needs space to get well, let him know your there, but wait to visit him, he will come home, have patience, he will come back, your marriage will be ok, don’t take it personally, that I’m strong, I’m dealing with it all better then they would better then they expected me to be. 

How do I take there advice without losing my mind. I desperately need just a simple I love you, even less a text with I’m ok I’m safe. But either he can’t or won’t give me such a small thing that I can hold on to hope. Without the fear I’m making a fool of myself, with saying he’s sick its not me. Its sick and our marriage isn’t over. Maybe it is and I just don’t know how to accept it. How every time I say I believe we’re over n he’s not coming home, and everyone’s response yes he will

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8 thoughts on “14 days ago

  1. It’s hard for me to press the Like Button. Your world is falling apart and you are in shock. It’s a nightmare that you want to wake up from. I do believe as your friends, family and therapists say that It IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Even with those close to us sometimes you never really know what is going on in somebody else’s mind. At this point only time will tell. I’m not gonna lie. Christmas is gonna be rough but I believe you and your kids will get through this. Right now you are going up the rough side of the mountain but a breakthrough will come. Praying for you! Sending you and the children good vibes! ❤ Believe me when I say if I could perform miracles for you that's exactly what I'd do. As much as it hurts now remember that This too will pass. Just keep speaking with friends and loved ones. People who care make the sad times easier to bear.

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  2. Incredibly tough- feeling for you. I’m sure your friends and family are right he will return.

    A friend once gave me “Women are from Venus, Men from Mars” and one thing really struck home. Some people need to escape to a cave sometimes. They don’t mean to hurt or desert but for them it is the only way they can survive this world. Not easy for those of us left behind who prefer to talk it through but we have to give them that space.

    Good luck

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  3. I understand you so well. A single word that tells you that he needs you would suffice! It is a hard time to get through when patience is required and the feeling inside is all you have. But that feeling doesn’t lie. From all you wrote, he loves you and needs you for sure. As you said, he simply needs time to reorder or reset himself in order to be the man he wants to be for you and the kids! 💖

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  4. I know it’s hard to trust in words spoken in the past right now when it looks like evidence is saying otherwise. But you have a choice to make. You can belive in the love you guys have is unshakeable and treat this like the vacation it is or you can keep wobbling about like a top about to fall down.

    When things are at it’s worst, make the choise to hang everything on the one thing that’s unshakeable. This too will pass. You have the choice to react to all this calmly or not.

    Don’t let your fears eat you up.

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  5. This is definitely a difficult time for all of you. The best thing you can do for him is to allow him to work through whatever he is going through. He knows that you are there for him because you have told him many times and in many ways. He knows it…trust me…he does.

    The hard part is to not do anything while waiting on him, especially with the uncertainty of where he is emotionally. However, you continue to hang in there because at the end of it all, you will be able to say that you gave your very best despite the odds.

    I will continue to pray for all of you because that’s the best kind of support I can offer to you. Hopefully it is enough…

    Stay encouraged, my friend 😔

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