as a lot know I’m struggling. I’m low but not depressed. I’m watching for my signs. Still doing life stuff. Taking care of kids, spending time together, sorting Christmas, cooking, baking etc. But I’m lost. I’m writing here but if people are sick of my shit they don’t have to read it they can scroll right by. My good friend reached out today as did my old best friend from therapy via text. I feel bad I was short with them but they so god damn positive hubby will be home and I just couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to drag them into my negatively when they have families and its nearly Christmas. I don’t wanna turn into the downer friend that no one wants to be around. But my close friend I’m trying to advoid cause she sees straight through me. I love her for her help though.
Now I’m laying in my big empty bed suddenly angry. When hubby left he took my pillow and left me his (he knows which is which cause I use to steal his n he’d steal it back) and now all I can smell is him. Fucken bat shit crazy I know. I don’t want to smell him. I don’t want to see the empty places from where his stuff was. I don’t want to see his stuff he left behind (our well his truck is only so big n he took what he could fit) I’m angry that he left his ring behind yet took our marriage licensed n certificate on purpose. Knowing that if anything happens to the license it can never be replaced its the one we signed. I don’t want to see all our photos up but can’t take them down. I angry he took my wooden spoon I’ve baked with n used daily for 15 years. Why take my bloody wooden spoon. Im angry that I check Facebook to see if he’s online if he is I cry because he hasn’t responded to me but is he isn’t I panic (he’s been not online for more then a day, I know is monthly phone top up runs out a few days before mine n mines due in a few days. So he may not have credit, he maybe being an arsehole, he maybe still in respite, he may have attempted) I’m angry I keep checking if he’s changed our relationship status and relieved he hasnt. I’m angry I want to block him so I can’t check what he’s doing bit can’t because I don’t want him to think I don’t want him around. I’m angry he took the rake I brought him and now I can’t clean out the cook run. I’m angry I have to water his gardens and he can’t see that for once I haven’t killed his fucking plants. I’m angry I made his favourite treat today Russian fudge. I miss the stupid things him running into the room farting and laughing like a 2 yr old and run out again. I’m serious crazy for this one. He always leaves the toilet seat up n left the empty roll there and now he doesn’t n I miss it. I miss his constant noise from his damn phone n hours of youtubing when it drove me insane. I miss its weirdness. I miss curling up in his strong arms and feeling his heart beat, relaxing into sleep when he’d suddenly wake me by ticking me. I miss him knowing the exact spot n the perfect pressure when I can’t move from my bad back. I miss his pain n the arse snoring.
The things that drove me nuts I miss the most. I took it for granted he’d always be here with me, by my side, husband and wife, bestfriends, to crazy weird people who feel in love after years of hurt. You know what I miss the most??! Him being here just having his presence felt.
I’m angry because he thinks without him I’ll be fine, strong independent. And while yes I will I don’t want to live without him. I just want my hubby home, the man who first told me he loved me via text message while he was away for work and scared to tell me. The look in his eyes when he saw me the first time after and whispered I love you while I sat there beaming as I leaned into give him a gentle kiss and whispered back I love you to and seeing him grinning like a crazy man 🙂 those words I love you, your beautiful, my wife, I love being me with you. Were the sweetest words in the world and the thing that I’m longing for.