What do I do

I’m physically sick from the stress.emotionally I’m barely holding it together. I went on fb about an hour ago as I came online hubby went offline. He’s been on only once every few days. Its his only way of contact with his girls. But my heart started racing n then disappointment because before he could see my message he was gone again. My mum reached out to him via text today and he didn’t respond. I know the hospital won’t give me any details. Hell I don’t even know if he’s still there. I can only assume with how sick he is that the won’t let him out yet. I don’t know if he’s in self admitted or under the mh act. I don’t know weather he attempted it life like he’s done in the past. I honestly am so in the dark because no one will tell me any thing. He should be here with me. I don’t care if I’m being a fool or not. But all I wanted for Christmas is 2 things. 1 for my children to be with me and have an amazing day. I’ll do everything in my power to make it happen. 2 for hubby to just text, call, email, fb, visit, ask me to go to him. To here him say I love you my beautiful wife. And you know something its not going to fucken happen. God I know and understand he’s broken, he’s sick, mentally unwell. I know he’s getting help. But for one moment I want to be so selfish and have something I need. I’m bending over backwards to keep our home running smooth. But I need him. Its a feeling I have to admit I’ve never in my life felt. Such need, such longing. I haven’t yell, screamed, I’ve not sent nasty or abusive messages. I’ve text or called once a day so he know I’m here. I’ve not hassled nor harassed him. I’ve keep our home n kids well. God damn what am I meant to do. I don’t know what to do. Do I turn up at the hospital and force him to see me. Do I stop contact. To I pack the rest of his stuff n put it in storage. Do I block him online n delete his number. Here I am trying to be a loyal and supportive wife. Yet I feel like I’ve failed him. My precious amazing husband. People his friends included believe he’s trying to protect me from all this, from seeing him this way from hurting me further. They believe he’ll be home with me once he’s well. But maybe I’m being a fool and he won’t come home. Maybe my gut which is telling me he’ll come back to me is completely wrong. 

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7 thoughts on “What do I do

  1. I’m so sorry.. this sounds like an incredibly difficult position, and being around Christmas only makes it worse. Praying for you, your kids, and your husband– that God gives you wisdom on what to do. Hang in there. *hug*

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  2. The hardest thing to have to do is wait and not know. Uncertainty is so far outside most of our comfort zones. All I can say is that you are not alone. Your whole family is fortunate that you are as strong as you are – your strength leads them and shelters them, but remember you can only do this if you are also caring for yourself and allowing others to care for you as well. No matter what the outcome, you will prevail and your love and strength will see you through. Even if it feels right at this moment like it might not. Keep writing, feel what you need to feel, allow it to come in, flow through you and out again. Though you likely can’t see it now, you are a beacon of light for many. Thank you for your strength not only for your family, but for sharing yourself with so many. In our darkest hours the light will break through – keep your eyes and heart open, even when you want to close them.

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