I made a mistake tonight

Maybe I’m indenial maybe I’m numb maybe I’m in the calm before the storm. I was watching TV on my laptop after putting the kids in to bed. My mind wondered. I told myself no. But I did anyways I clicked on the photo folder and over the next hour looked through old photos from our less then two years. I looked at all the many old text messages my darling sailor had sent me. It took me back to those times those places, the feelings when I got the messages. Remembering seeing the amazing times we had together. Seeing my husband kids and myself so happy. Further cementing my love for him. Again it made me realise that a long time ago I was having an I’m lucky moment. I look at him and said what would I ever do without you. He replied you’d be fine baby you’d carry on. You’d be the strong independent women I love. I’m not fine without him. Yes I’m carrying on. Yes I can live without him. But god damn it I don’t want to. I want him in my life. I want to go to that hospital and sit there for hours, days weeks for him to finally be well enough to see me. I want him to know I’m being strong not only for me and the kids but him. I believe the together we have strength but when one need sit the other steps up to be the strength for both. How is it even possible that I loved him so much. He’s leaves me. I find out he’s seeking help and now I love him even more. How to I explain to a man not willing or able to listen that he has a strength in him by doing this that truly blows me away. That my love for him has not wavered but instead grown in ways I never knew possible. That I am strong and can support him. That no matter what he is at mentally or physically that my love for him won’t go away. That seeing him one day in the hospital is so hard but I am strong I can see him like this and know he is still the man I feel in love with. That no matter what he’s at I’m not going to turn away from him. How do I show him if I can’t talk to him or see him. How can I convince this man that I just want to see him to wrap my arms around him so tight look him in his eyes and simply tell him I love him. That its all going to be ok. Just to hold him with no words. Just to have him feel my strength and love and know that he has a person who loves him for him all of him the good the bad and the ugly. That while he has to fight his demons himself to get well for him self first that I don’t see any weakness in him. I see a lost man in pain who I love and respect. Why did I go through all those photos. Why couldn’t I just let it be

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4 thoughts on “I made a mistake tonight

  1. You went through the photos BECAUSE you care. I have been on both sides of this – the one who needs to lock themselves away because they feel it is the only way to get better and the one who is left behind. I am sending you huge hugs and will keep both of you, and your kids, in my thoughts and prayers.
    Lydia!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Much like you I was feeling very lost and hurting because I couldn’t be there for him. But I just clung to the love we shared and I had for him. I prayed and thought positively and kept calling to see how he was doing. One day he called up and said he was ready to see me. We visited for quite awhile and he got time to come home on weekends. I think the main thing anyone can do no matter which side of the situation you are on is to take it one day at a time and cling to hope and love. I hope that helps a little.

        Liked by 2 people

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