I’m a mess

My life’s a mess. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my homes a mess cause of my back. I’ve done and doing everything suggested. I just can’t see a way through this. Biggest part his hubby. But there have been other on going issues for me to. I’m sick of feeling this way

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Feeling like a burden

In some ways. I have a very small support network anyways. Now I feel like I’m burning them all out. Many people have disappeared since hubby left that day. And of the opinion that I should just get rid of his stuff and move on. Even one women I classed as a best friend who was in therapy with us has disappeared refuses to even hear his name. Ok so shes a weird one to start with but this is another level even for her. My mum has reached an angry stage with my sailor. This I do understand but its put me in to the position of having to put on my mask in front of her. My best mate is frustrated with the situation. Don’t blame her at all. She’s very supportive but openly admits she doesn’t know what to say, she’s amazing at letting me vent. My aunty is helping in practical ways which I appreciate. His friends are looking to me for answers I can’t give them. I have a family support worker and a therapist who are massive ladies. There problem is I’ve literary taken on all their advice and they have non left to offer. Then there’s the mental health team who have some of the answers but claim their hands are tied. 

So as I sit here I feel like I’ve just become a burden. I’m putting my feet on in front of the other. Made sure my girl had a great party and birthday. That the kids have everything they need. But I don’t. I really miss with sailor is I could just sit with him or lay side by side in silence yet feel content and comforted. A simple hug just an acknowledgement made a lot feel more manageable. 

Ive heard it before complex, to heard basket, no hope. That is what I’ve heard people talking about bpd. Now add a married couple both with it. And its reached a fever pitch. 

We my hubby and I both wanted and had goals we were both actively working towards. It was simple. We wanted a simple life. To buy small amount of land. Build our very own tiny home. Have gardens, solar power and just live our lives simply and happy. 

Maybe we over extended our wants and dreams. Him with the garden business and me studying to become a chef. Kids educated and successful in what ever ways they need. Maybe we got to greedy, started wanting to much. Lost site of what’s important. 

I just had $1000,00 put into my account for study costs. I can spend it on what ever I like. And I didn’t even smile. It didn’t bring me joy or happiness. All I thought was who cares. I’ve lived poor my whole life. I learnt four years ago money and things don’t matter. I had someone joke I’d scored well by hubby leaving and not taking any of his stuff including his truck. All I could do was shake my head and say that stuff doesn’t matter. He does. I do. My kids do. His kids do. His granddaughter does. Money never brought me happiness. 

I don’t know where life is taking me and I don’t like it. I will keep living cause there’s no other option. But I look around our home and I’m sad. I’m sad that I finally truly got my life I wanted and secretly dreamt off and now that life is gone. I have to rebuild my world I just wish I didn’t have to go 100 steps backwards with no certainty in my future

I just want my husband

Home where he belongs, with people who love him and support him. Its my girls birthday today and he should be here with his natnat daughter as he use to call her. Heck I know the man he’s shocking with dates he’s on of the gentle reminding kind of guys. I kbow he’s not going to turn up like magic today, won’t call or text. I’m making sure my girl doesn’t see my pain. But my god my heart is aching and my tummy tied up in knots. Anxiety through the roof. I need him home with me. I wish I could tell him I’m here and we can work through all this. That he’s still the man I love. I still want him. I still choose him. I still need him. He’s still my world

Big few days

Yesterday we had our annual family picnic at the river. Didn’t want to attend but took the kids anyways. They enjoyed it which is what counts. Was hard though because sailor was missed. A lot of the family know they rest don’t. They were trying to figure out what to even say to me making it awkward.

Tomorrow is my girls birthday so I’ve organised a small party for her today. I’m trying so hard to be upbeat and motivated. She deserves so much. More then i feel I’ve been able to give her. She asked for no party or presents just to have sailor here. 

So bitter sweet really. I’m wanting the best for her but can’t give her the one thing I want to. 

If I could do it all over again sailor

I would still have giggled like a teenager when you asked me if it was appropriate to hit on me. I’d still have dressed up before so I looked my best in front of you. I’d still have said yes when you proposed 3 times. I’d still have said I do and married you. I would also do things differently id not take it for granted you’ll always be here. Every kiss would be like the last. I’d try to yell less and ask you to open up a little more. I would’ve sorted marriage counciling like we agreed so we could learn to communicate even better. I wouldn’t have swept things under the carpet I would’ve opened up more. Id try harder to listen and hear you more. I’d love you harder. I would’ve worked on myself more so I didn’t gain so much weight and feel unsexy. I would’ve cleaned less and spent time with our family more. 

Sailor I would still be me but with improvements. I wish I could say it all to you. But now I can’t. But at the end of the day I don’t regret us. I’d never regret marrying you. But despite our now I still loved being married to you. While I wanted you for a life time I only had you for a short time. But that short time gave me so much more then a husband, love, marriage. It gave me a new me in many ways. I explored things I’d never dreamt of I’d done things I thought impossible. Most of all I had you. Where ever your are my sailor what ever your doing. I truly hope you one day can look at the time we were together as a positive in your life to. You taught me to feel the fear and do it anyway. I love you a little bit I love you alottle I loved you then and I love you now. You are a man who’s worth a million times more then you realise and I’m proud to say I was your wife. 

The comments

To my blog and in my life are a mixed bag. I read many comments at at the moment I’m struggling to reply. Don’t a case of not wanting to but they’re appreciated. A few days ago I posted about deleting comments. The only ones I delete are the nasty ones I’ve gotta which have made things worse for me. In no way am I saying every or most comments are negative because they’re not. I should have a thicker skin but at the moment I haven’t. I’m grateful to the kind comments I’ve received. 

2am

I fell into a restless dreamfilled sleep at about 9:30pm earliest I’ve been to sleep in weeks. But then woke only 2 hours later and now I’m wide awake. I’ve gone through mindfulness meditation a few times and no luck sleeping. While I was asleep I had a dream I was hunting for my missing husband and discovered lots of people searching for him on Facebook. I woke worried. Worried because my dream matched my fears. This week I know 4 different people have tried to ring and text my husband. All said the phone either rang for ages and went to voicemail or he didn’t respond. They’re worried. Some tried their cell, landline and using private numbers. These are his friends to as well as my therapist offering him to pass messages threw her to me. One that tried to call him also emailed and rung his support worker who is away again. No one knows if he left work, came back to our area, or to be honest where he is. I don’t know what to do. I have been told because mental health are likely to know where he is and they won’t confirm anything with me that I’m not able to file a missing persons. I was so worried today I rung all the hospitals in the areas I knew where he’d been in the past 6 weeks. And no admissions under his name. I seriously am at a loss. He talked about people he knew but he was more a loner. I’ve meet his closest friends, family all in another country. His stuff all here aside from a bag of clothes, and he didn’t have much money with him. I’d become ocd with checking him on Facebook so blocked him but have mates regularly checking his page, zero change. I even download APS for phone tracking, which didn’t work. If he’d only didn’t want to see me why would he block everyone and refuse to respond to his friends to. Honestly people wonder why I’m such a mess. Theres no one else to call or visit. And now I don’t know what to do. As much as I’m “taking care” of what I have to I’m a mess. My anxiety is through the roof, depression beginning to kick in and sadly I can see some of my borderline co.ing back no matter how much I do to prevent it. My gut is screaming at me and I can’t stop it. Ive been real. I’ve looked for things I’ve missed. I don’t believe he was unfaithful because he always left his phone about, no locks, full access to see his Facebook etc, nothing hidden. I knew where he was because he was either at home or work n I dropped him off n often popped in due to the nature of his job. Never an issue. I looked for signs in the lead up to him leaving and there wasn’t any. I know he was mentally unwell for months prior he was opening up about his troubles. I know when he left he was unwell. But know I’m just scared. I’m scared for him. It feels surreal that I’ve literary done everything humanly possible and I’m living in a dream like helpless state and I’m desperate to know he’s ok

Get real world

If you have depression or any other more mental illness like bpd you don’t just get over it. Getting told to take care of yourself is the way to go. Put you first. Blah blah blah mental illness doesn’t work that damn way. And for people like me do everything in their power to get well it makes it so much worse. I can’t just put me first I have two children. Yes I do put me n them first. I cook, clean, take care of to businesses, 10 chickens, gardens, study, shower. Eat, sleep. Telling me to just move on or get over it does not help me. I makes me feel worse. Getting offended if I don’t feel up to talking or disrespecting what I right. Judging me and how I’m handling this situation is pure bullshit. If it was just a break up of the marriage sweet I’d know time heals I’d be able to greive. But knowing know my husband has not been seen by anybody including his team causes panic and anxiety. And I’m fucken sorry to those who disagree but you cant just stop worrying, caring and loving g someone. I don’t even know if I’m married or separated. So to hell with the haters. I’m doing the best I can in a situation that most people haven’t been in. If your only going to write negative shit on here you will have your comments deleted and I’ll block your arse. Because the last thing I need is know it alls telling me how I should feel and what I should be doing 

Trying to move forward

I always believe to trust your gut. Stuff ya head and heart go with the gut. Well my guts saying hold on, my hearts saying you love him and your vows and my heads trying to convince both to move on.

Its not that simple moving on. Especially when his truck and belongings are all still here. There’s no where to take these to. And with no contact I’ve had no luck in having them picked up. I’m not heartless nor a bitch I won’t just dump it or get rid of it. I’ve removed some photos but its not helped. 

I’ve spent the day using my dbt skills, distraction by cleaning the house. Opposite action, when I wanted to curl up in a ball and instead went for a coffee at my mums. I’m trying radical acceptance, trying to accept he’s gone and not coming back. But my hearts not in it. One minute I’m ok the next I’m a mess. I’m fighting to bring my mood n energy levels up, even ate a little more even tho I feel sick. My sciatic nerves been getting worse over the last few weeks n really bad today. Sadly I’m use to my sailor knowing how to help it especially because he’s trained.

Despite all this I thought I got this shit. Then another of sailors mates contacted me. She’s shocked that nothing’s changed. He’s not contacted her or her hubby either. I told her I just have to accept he’s not coming back. With that she said she’d contact his boss/mate I tried to put her off, then she decided she’d try to contact sailor. 

And bam all that work was wasted because my hopes went right back up. Then after a few hours anxiety set in and then disappointment when I didn’t hear from her.

I want hope but I want people to butt out. But I want people to try help. No one is winning I get that. I’m confused. My feelings are overwhelmed. My heads all over the place.