Bit of an update

Nothing changed in the fact I’ve still not had contact from my husband. But over the past few days I started dropping. I was hitting one obstacle after an other. So yesterday I when to the community mental health team. I had support from 3 different workers. The main one asked me what I wanted to achieve by speaking to his doctor. And I explained I wanted them to hear from my point of view my husbands symptoms and patterns and to know he’s safe. She explained why they can’t give me information but advised me to write a letter with everything I wanted to say to his doctor and bring it back in. That the doctor was obliged to read it and put it on Hubby’s file. Weather they listened or not was not something I couldnt control. She said she believed I’d done everything in my power to reach out and support my hubby. So today that’s my focus to write this letter its harder then I thought it would be. She also remind me of my dbt skills and controlling what I can control. And agreed starting meds may be having a negative effect on me as they had in the past and agreed for me to go natural with folic acid (I’m low in it) and magnesium which helps with sleep (in the past its been helpful). I also download a mindfulness meditation app so I could go back to basics. I also realised one of my old triggers had once again become a trigger. Facebook. I’ve be obsessively checking if he’s online and if he’d change our marriage status which he didn’t. If he was online I was angry n if he wasn’t I was worried. So last night I had my best friend change my Facebook passwords and not give them to me for a week. Already I feel a little calmer. I didn’t want to delete it, or block my hubby so this was my step. Something I can control. I’m also going to try and express myself here. If anything to get what I’m feeling out. Having anger towards the system isn’t helping me. At the moment I am in limbo. But I still have choices and things I can control and I have to get back to realising nothings black n white but grey. That I can’t fix or force my husband to do anything. That I can only be there to support him even if that’s from a distance. I haven’t gone into depression or bpd. So now is my time to take care of me to so I don’t sink into old patterns. As the lady said yesterday this isnt rejection this is a hard situation with my husband mentally unwell. And not to resort to sending messages that with trigger response and that I’d regret like yesterday. So here’s to pulling all the stops to keep well for me my kids and my darling husband. Because I love him so much that I’m going to keep fighting for us and supporting him

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4 thoughts on “Bit of an update

  1. I so wish I could help but I know the only thing I can send to you right now is verbal and emotional support. It is tough situation you and he are both in. He will get well. In the mean time you have to definitely keep yourself as healthy as possible for YOU as well as your kids and your husband when he does come back…and he will.

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  2. Hello Kelz, I just wanted to let you know that you are loved. God loves you very much, He loves every single one of you, your children, and your husband, and He holds you in His arms. He will take care of your husband. It is hard… but just keep knowing that God loves you. Every day, every second of every day, He looks at you, and says this is my beautiful beloved child Kelz in whom I am well-pleased. As for your husband, you have to let go of the responsibility, and the worry. He is God’s child too! He is loved too! Take it easy. You are loved!

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