Thank you for your thoughts and praying for my family

Its 10:06pm here I’ve spent an hour trying to get to sleep. My mouth is sore from chewing the inside of my mouth last night causing ulcers. My eyes hurt from crying and feel heavy. My body tense and pained. My mind numb. I feel in somewhat of a daze. I’m trying to think how my mum described my hubby is two people. Sailor the kind, loving, amazing man and sick sailor the one who thinks he is worthless and doesn’t deserve love and family and friend n his wife. She’s right. I kbow he’s sick I know where his minds at. I went to my best friends earlier and she cried with me as I filled her in. Wanting to offer me some kind of insight, hope, something to ease my pain. Mybson tried to contact his step dad on Facebook asking if he was ok and he was so sad no to have got a response. My daughter when I tucked her into bed goes mum I want sailor back home where he belongs so he can tell us all his silly jokes. Then I made her smile I said remember you’ll always be his natnat giggle fart. I said you know something kid I’ve never meet someone who laughs at farts like he does. She asked if sad sailor does. I just kissed her and told her I love her. I’m not going to lie I’m scared terrified that I’ll get that call or a knock on the door asking if he’s my husband and finding out he’s in hospital or dead. That I have to identify his body. I’m trying not to think this way I truly am but I keep coming back to the fact that two mental health workers believe he’s going to attempt to. A few months ago I held my husband so close gently rubbing his head for so long until he feel asleep. I kissed my sweet husband on the forehead and tiptoed downstairs. I rung the crisis team who he’d contacted earlier. They told me I’d just saved my husband’s life. To let him sleep he’d be better when he woke. That he’d been suicidal and what I did was the right thing. I want to find him and do it again I want to just hold him for dear life so he feels safe so he has comfort so no matter what his mind says he’ll know he’s not alone. Just simply hold him and not let go. I wish I could save him

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