2017 Day 7

Well I think this whole finding positives each day thing is a fail this time around. We’re away at my Hubby’s best mates farm for the weekend. It was meant to give us a change of scene, well while our hosts have been awesome, I feel out of place. I’m trying to keep the mask on but its a struggle. My sons while at some points enjoyed it I think has felt out of place to. They got visitors, which its fine got breify introduced n thought I’d make myself scarce. Just being respectful made sure kids were out of the way to. Just felt like we were intruding. Being here is bitter sweet reminding all of us about sailor. My girl has cried countless times wanting to see him, my boy reminded of so many things, me just wishing he was here. Laying in the bed we shared together last time feels wrong. I watched masterchef online before and had a deja moment (however you spell it the thing where you know you’ve seen this exact moment before) I froze steering at my phone scared it would go off. Shit I’m sure my heart skipped a beat. My hayfever is still there, along with a horrible painful loud cough, and to make matters worse my skin as flared up so bad from the stress, red Botchy, lumping itchy painful rash over my legs and arms. Its 11 pm and despite trying to relax, taking my magnesium and folic tabs I’m still wide a fucken wake. Angry I read a book about bpd and how to deal with it and its shit its a bullshit book with no hope for anyone with bpd so fuck the doctors who wrote a book of crap under the illusion it would help people and there families. I need sleep I need to rest I need to not think I need my kids happy I need my husband I need a fucken haircut and I need to use full fucken stops and comma’s. I need to find some positives in a week I’m losing hope with even the weathers a bitch and cold and windy. Like come on universe quit continuously throwing shit at us. Seriously I’m on the edge of coping and depression as it is. Is it not cruel enough having to deal with this situation with every other fucken thing throw the next shit at someone else

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One thought on “2017 Day 7

  1. All of this…and it is still okay to feel what you are feeling. Everyday will not present an obvious positive. I find myself looking for them sometimes as well. And you know what? It’s okay…because there is no perfect day or scenario. There will always be a day or situation that will be better than previous ones. Focus on today. Focus on your children. Focus on yourself. And try to make the most of everything as best as possible…don’t place too many expectations on yourself…it will wear you out and then you will not any good for yourself and your children…hang in there…still praying for you and your family

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