I’m going to finally say what’s been on my mind and be honest

The night before my husband walked out he slept downstairs. I woke in the morning and asked him why. He yelled “cause I don’t want to be here” I responded well if you don’t want to be here why don’t you leave. He took it as I kicked him out. I didn’t. I didn’t want him to leave. I’ve been thinking since I’ve found out that day he was suicidal that maybe I took it wrong. Maybe he was trying to get me to hear him. 

I can’t help but wonder. Did he have a break down and leave me to protect me. Or he actually leave me and it caused his breakdown. I’m so lost and confused. Right now I’m hurting hes more gone 25 days. With not contact. He told his doctors he didn’t want to see me and he didn’t want me having information. He has ignored every text, call and attempt from me to support him. I feel I justified this because he’s had no contact with others including his friends. But maybe I’ve been wrong all along. I truly feel I failed him as his wife. I missed so many warning signs. When I did try to get him help it made him worse and then finally 25 days ago he had enough. Just had it. Shouldn’t a husband want to reach out to his wife in his time of need. But he hasn’t instead he’s shut me out. Maybe he’s protecting himself from me not the other way around.

 I should’ve left him be back when I first told him I had feelings for him. Why is it that every relationship every friendship I am involved in is no longer there. I’m the only common factor. I don’t blame him for going I guess I’m only shocked it didn’t happen sooner. He deserves so much better and more. 
Now I sit here alone with no one to blame but myself for believing I could have my happily ever after, instead I gave my husband a nightmare and now he’s fighting to keep himself alive and I only make it worse by contacting him and triggering him. I never thought I could be the trigger for someone wanting to die

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8 thoughts on “I’m going to finally say what’s been on my mind and be honest

  1. Babe, I wish I could just give you a hug. You should never blame yourself, you know this yourself deep down. Yes, hindsight is brilliant and you can look back and decide you could have handled and argument or conversation in a different way but it didn’t happen that way. We are all responsible for our own actions and thoughts. Your sailor obviously has an illness that he needs to address and it isn’t because you have caused it. I can say that from my experience I would prefer the space to concentrate on myself rather than worry about avoiding calls and texts but at the same time I would be comforted in some way to know that you hadn’t given up on me and I still had someone who loved me and cared. Don’t take what he is doing personally, he needs to be selfish right now, please don’t hold that against him.I know you will understand from what you have been through yourself. You are in love with each other, you just have illnesses to work through, just like if someone has cancer or a broken back. Support and patients is what you need. Love to you, you are stronger than you have ever imagined.

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  2. Stop blaming yourself. His breakdown has nothing to do with you. & for all you know, he set up the entire situation (sleeping downstairs) so that you would argue & he would have a reason to leave. There’s no reason to beat yourself up about this relationship or any other relationship. You’re OK JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

    Biggest hugs.

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  3. I guess this is the “sorrow” part of your journey. I feel for you and hope that you’ll find the support that you need to pull you through this dark period of your soul… Sending you a hug, peace and light for your path ahead.

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  4. What’s done is done and you can’t question what should or should not have been said. Right now your husband needs professional help but you must pay attention to yourself so that you can be there when he works through his illness as I’m praying that he gets better. Don’t let depression take you away. Don’t try to do this alone. You should get counseling also. Talk to a professional about what this is doing to you. You have to take care of yourself so you don’t lose yourself. I’m praying for you both. Sending hugs.

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  5. Don’t blame yourself. You did not do this. He needs help and hopefully he is getting the help he needs. He has to work it out with his doctors so he is healthy. Don’t let depression drag you down. It’s hard to see anyone you love hurt and there is no way around it. You did what you knew to be right and he is getting the help he needs. He will come back…just keep yourself healthy in the meantime for you, your kids and for him when he does come back.

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  6. You acted like a normal human being. He said he didn’t want to be there and you reacted like many people would with ‘then why don’t you leave?’ This is how our minds and words react when we are hurt. He was already in a dark place when he didn’t want to be there. You didn’t push him into it. The key thing now is not to push yourself into deeper pain with “what-if” and “if-only.” Unless there is wisdom to be gained from honestly and reflectively analyzing–which takes time and perspective–going over the past can just be self-torment. Do something that makes you whole, that makes you alive, something that heals you. You are gifted, creative person and a loving mother.

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  7. Never ever believe you are a trigger. Everything you have described was an instinctual reaction to someone who said “I don’t want to be here”. We are human and therein lies its beauty because we aren’t perfect. Do not dwell on what ifs. He needed help and he went to get it. Now you have to find your help, your light, the one that keeps you safe and peaceful, so you can find your strength, (of which you already have infinite amounts) and happiness. Wishing you much love.

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