I lost the plot

Rung mental health and the response was you have family and a gp. It got my fight back I spoke to a different person. This one is pushing for me to get a key worker and daily phones until then to monitor me. Because I’ve dropped so quickly I need support to stop me going further. I had to threaten that I’d end up back in hospital to get action. Even tho I’m not thinking or have urges to selfharm or suicide. 

I asked the guy with all the privacy bullshit why they couldn’t confirm to me each day that a he safe and b he’s still receiving treatment. I man told me they should have been doing that so I could be reassured.

He told me the town my husband is in. I asked if he was still suicidal and got told no. But he is still extremely low and flat. And minimal progress. That he doesn’t know what to do or where he wants to be.

I said to the guy my world is in limbo, I don’t know which way to turn. He asked me not to make decisions, well big one ie about our marriage. And to have hope while they set my support up. I said I don’t know weather to give up or not. He told me not to give up on my husband.

I know even though apart from the worst happening to him or my children. I can’t imagine anything worse then right now. I never imagined this pain so deep that every part of me hurts. But I also know I faced death and survived I faced death and thrieved. I faced hardship and I got through it. I’ve got to for me hold on to that hope that one day my husband will come home. And even though I’m not religious that I need to pray my husband knows that I am here that I’m fighting with him every single painful tiny step. That when it feels so overwhelming that I can go on that I have to just make one more step. Then one more. 

I have just text my husband telling him I’ve made the decision not to give up, that I love him, that I choose to fight for him and us. That I choose to keep the door open. And as much as he wants me to fuck of I’m not and I’ll contact him everyday no matter what.


3 thoughts on “I lost the plot

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