The 8 o’clocks are back

I was a single mama for many years 10+ years in fact. I always use to say the hardest part of the day was the 8 o’clocks. When the kids are tucked up in bed, the house is cleaned, washing all done, friends gone quiet cause its family and couple time. When the house is quiet. 8pm is when that loneliest time of the day kicks into full gear.

I’ve been sitting here listening to the waves crashing loudly from the beautiful ocean not minutes from my home, a beautiful orangey yellow full moon staring at me on Friday the 13th. And I’ve realise despite many moons by myself this is the loneliest 8 o’clock I’ve had in my life time. I sat here for 2 years listening to these waves alone. Then I spent nearly 2 years hearing them with the most amazing man. The 8 o’clocks became a cherished time. My husband told me many a nights that this time of day was his favourite, the best part of his day. Why? Because he got to lay next to his beautiful wife and hold me till we fell asleep. That feeling the one of shear bliss. I felt so loved and adored. As I lay in his strong arms, I’d listen to his breathing feeling him relax against me as he fell sleep and I remember feeling safe. That nothing could stop this feeling of that final piece of the puzzle I’d been missing my whole life connect. I can’t explain it. My love for him. Sure I can name many things I love about him. This he did, things he said. But that feeling is indescribable. I wish I could put words to it. Yes I’ve loved before, yes I’ve lost before. But those time I could explain all my feelings. With my beautiful sailor, my wondering man, my best friend I couldnt, I still can’t. Its beyond passion, love, a connect. Its something so perfectly imperfect. Its all encompassing. Its a feeling that overtook me at great speed and continued to grow beyond any expectations. Its not a fairytale, its a story of us. 

A story of two strangers battling their inner, most heartbreaking demons, walking into a room full of people, a look that overcame any sign of sane minds. No words exchanged. Just an intense feeling of knowing beyond any kind of logic or explanation. The moment I knew I’d meet my person. The very moment I’ve come to realise changed my heart forever. 

Now as I look at that moon, and hear the waves I wonder where is he. Is he looking up at the moon, holding a ciggy between is fingers thinking about me. Is he curled up in bed sleeping soundly as his chest gently moves up and down. 

All I can do is look up at this moon and hope. Hope that my darling will find his way back. His way back into his mind. His way back into his place in this world. His way back to his wife. All I can do is put it out to the universe my love for a man lost. A man hurting. A man so powerful beyond what he could have every dreamt. All I can do is dream that our future will be together. That he knows my love for him has no limits, that I am true to him in his absence, that I am faithful and loyal to our love that shattered all things I ever knew. That keeps growing stronger. That no matter the pain I stay true to our vows.

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5 thoughts on “The 8 o’clocks are back

  1. I’m not really active on here anymore, but for some reason (I’ll have left some box checked at some point) I get email alerts when you post. I’ve been following the terrible time you’ve had lately, and my heart goes out to you. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, and while it wasn’t as severe as what your husband’s experiencing, I remember simply being unable to talk to people I loved. I didn’t respond to their messages; I let the phone ring. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them, but that the depression and anxiety had turned that love into a source of extreme pain for me. It felt as if I’d already lost them. I almost wished they would just get on with it and disappear from my life so I could properly grieve for them. But I got better, and your husband will too. The brain is subject to catastrophic glitches, but has the amazing ability to reprogramme itself with the help of therapy and medication. This is a nightmarish time for you and your poor kids, but what you must not do is feel guilty or take too much on. Seek help with childcare wherever you can. Treat yourself in whatever way you are able. Don’t become isolated – gather the troops: call on family and friends. You’ll get through this. I guarantee he still loves you, and life will get better – perhaps better than it has ever been.

    Liked by 2 people

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