My kids

My 14 year old has completely withdrawn into himself and his gaming. He’s moody and struggling. Not his normal at all. Won’t talk about sailor.

My 7 year old just came to talk to me. She’s wise beyond her years yet so young and innocent. She misses her giggle fart. His cuddles. Watching movies. She said she misses the builder man, gardener man, the funny man. She wants her sailor home the happy one. She doesn’t miss the angry or sad sailor. She wants to fix things. She asked if he was still at his safe house. And I told her he was away for work. She’s pissed she doesn’t think he’s safe there and wants to make him come back. His birthday is 2 weeks after hers we started a tradition on birthdays of the person can pick their fav chips, choc and fizzy. She’s asked me to buy his still. She’s written him letters.

And I’m sitting here trying to bring myself to end things and block him online. Not because I want to I want him home. But trying to be real that after 5 weeks of no answers I have to prepare to move on with my life. If he’s not coming back he has to move his stuff out because seeing it is breaking me. I don’t believe in divorce. If he was violent or cheated I would bit otherwise its not something I believe in. This is way I was anti marriage. I didn’t want me or sailor to go through this. I wish he would properly help himself. To heal. But to be honest I don’t know what his recovery is. I do feel rejected and abandoned. I’m angry at the situation. I’m wishing he and I never suffered from mental illness. I can’t bring myself to make the decisions. Yet feel I have to. Cruel world I’m facing

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14 thoughts on “My kids

  1. Quite honestly, if I were you, I would talk to a lawyer. You have rights under New Zealand law. You have a right to know what is going on with your husband’s medical care. & mental health care IS medical care. You’re married to the man – you have that right to know.

    I know I live in the United States but I have a paralegal degree & it took me all of 5 minutes to find spousal law in New Zealand. So if he is not talking to you & the hospital is not telling you anything, there is something seriously wrong, because as his wife you have a RIGHT to know.

    Me, I’d be crying & I’d be depressed as all hell – JUST LIKE YOU. That’s the most normal thing to do in this situation. & your kids are acting normally too. I mean – their stepdad is gone! My heart goes out to them.

    But I’d also be on the phone to a lawyer. Not to sound like an American, but it’s time to get out the big guns.

    Hang in there. Hugs

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      • I looked through legitimate New Zealand Law websites ( such as lawyer firm websites : their focus was family law ), and I looked through legitimate New Zealand health care and service provider websites and really had found ONLY rights of the person when a patient.

        The best explanation of a Kiwi patient’s rights is this New Zealand code of rights:

        CODE OF HEALTH AND DISABILITY SERVICES CONSUMER’S RIGHTS

        Website: https://www.healthpoint.co.nz/useful-information/patient-rights/code-of-rights/

        Right 1

        You should always be treated with respect, including respect for your culture, values, beliefs and personal privacy.

        Right 2

        No-one should discriminate against you or push you into doing something or making a decision that you are not comfortable with.

        Right 3

        Your care and treatment let you live a dignified, independent life.

        Right 4

        Everyone looking after you should work together to make sure that you are treated with care and skill and that you receive the right services for your needs.

        Right 5

        You have the right to be listened to, understood and receive information in whatever way you need. Where possible, an interpreter should be provided if you need one.

        Right 6

        Your condition should be fully explained to you, to allow you to make choices for possible treatments. You should be given information on the benefits and side effects of treatments and told how long you may have to wait, who will be treating you and any costs involved. You can ask any questions about the services and expect an honest and accurate answer.

        Right 7

        It is your decision whether to go ahead with treatments or not and you are able to change your mind at any time.

        Right 8

        In most situations, you can have a support person of your choice with you if you wish.

        Right 9

        All these rights also apply when you are taking part in teaching or research.

        Right 10

        You can make a complaint about any aspect of your care or treatment. You should be given information on the process involved in making a complaint so it is easy for you to do so. Your treatment should not suffer if you do make a complaint.

        These above rights in no way state a Kiwi spouse’s right to be informed of their partner’s medical state, location, and DOESN’T state that a spouse must be allowed contact.

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      • Thanks I’d come across the same. Sadly I have no rights as his wife and they’ve allowed him to stick to his guns despite it being one of his negative patterns when he’s sick. Its to late anyways. But thank you

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      • I’m sorry to have found only the New Zealand legislated rights of a person when going to and receiving medical care.

        But the absence in all these websites of a spouse’s right to be in contact with the sick partner when that partner has chosen to have no contact probably indicates that the health care workers didn’t make a mistake in denying you contact with your husband.

        The health care workers did what he chose, which was to not be in contact with his wife.

        This is totally terrible.

        However, you are going to have to make your mental health and your kids your first and only priority.

        Your husband is an adult and he, in such a crappy way, has made a choice to alienate you.

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      • Oh no, you do have spousal rights 🙂 .

        However, spousal rights aren’t included in the laws of patient rights 😛 .

        So, I suppose that the New Zealand law and cultural approach is to make the person the first and only priority when going to and receiving medical care.

        This has been your reality when that patient has chosen to have no contact with his wife. The patient’s right to choose who will be or won’t be a support person has been a terrible reality for you.

        But, please move on. You have to.

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  2. I’ve been reading your blog posts, but not commenting on them.

    I have been obsessive compulsive ( my example from my life ).

    The best solution I found was to manage or, whenever I can, be preventive.

    When I have been crisis with my obsessive compulsive feelings, I had been able to back off more easily as I have gotten older. But this may not be much to say because I’m in my mid thirties 😛 .

    I think you will be okay. You know you have coping skills that you’ve learned from past therapy.

    Your husband will have to make a choice to recover. You know that you have to care for your mental health and for your kids.

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  3. I also read that you’re anti-marriage because you wouldn’t want to divorce.

    However, couples who live together, or share finances, own property together and parent together their kids, are viewed as married by their country’s laws 😛 . So even never married couples would have to break up through a divorce.

    Marriage or being a recognized common law couple both face divorce when they have to break up! Oh well.

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    • I was anti marriage until I meet my hubby. He changed my views on the world things I never new were possible were. Before he came along I didn’t want anyone, marriage, living together. Yup I think its pretty much the same after living together for 2-3 years can’t remember which.

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