All I wanted was marriage for life. I knew we’d have ups n down. Amazing times and heart breaking. I regret not following through with sorting out what we’d do if either ended up mentally unwell again. Why we didn’t sort next of kin, wills, advanced directives. All that crazy legal stuff that we hope we wouldn’t need. When the crisis team turned up a week before he left I wish I had spoken up for him. Not brush certain things under the carpet. I wish I’d tried harder when he was packing up his stuff. I wish I’d spent more time with him just him. Just cuddling and laughing. Watching movies and hanging at the beach like we both liked. I let life get in the way. I wish I hadn’t let myself go physically including gaining so much weight. My tiredness all the time. I wish the bight before he left that I had tried to talk to him instead of being stubborn. I have to many regrets and bow I can’t tell him. Most of all I wish he’d believed me when I told him he was worth it and I was so proud of him. That night I wish I’d just sat there and held him so he didn’t feel alone. When he said he didn’t want to be here. I wish I’d realised that he was suicidal. Not how I took it that he didn’t want me. I wish when his support worker had him down the road that I’d just run to him, made him realise what he means to me.
Instead I’m sitting here alone, devastated regretting the text I sent him a few hours ago. Wishing I’d been stronger and held on. I feel selfish. My son is in shock. My girl came to me and said I’ve lost my dad. She knows he’s step dad but I didn’t realise she saw him as her dad. I feel I’ve let my kids and husband down. And I can’t fix it.