So disappointed in myself

All I wanted was marriage for life. I knew we’d have ups n down. Amazing times and heart breaking. I regret not following through with sorting out what we’d do if either ended up mentally unwell again. Why we didn’t sort next of kin, wills, advanced directives. All that crazy legal stuff that we hope we wouldn’t need. When the crisis team turned up a week before he left I wish I had spoken up for him. Not brush certain things under the carpet. I wish I’d tried harder when he was packing up his stuff. I wish I’d spent more time with him just him. Just cuddling and laughing. Watching movies and hanging at the beach like we both liked. I let life get in the way. I wish I hadn’t let myself go physically including gaining so much weight. My tiredness all the time. I wish the bight before he left that I had tried to talk to him instead of being stubborn. I have to many regrets and bow I can’t tell him. Most of all I wish he’d believed me when I told him he was worth it and I was so proud of him. That night I wish I’d just sat there and held him so he didn’t feel alone. When he said he didn’t want to be here. I wish I’d realised that he was suicidal. Not how I took it that he didn’t want me. I wish when his support worker had him down the road that I’d just run to him, made him realise what he means to me. 

Instead I’m sitting here alone, devastated regretting the text I sent him a few hours ago. Wishing I’d been stronger and held on. I feel selfish. My son is in shock. My girl came to me and said I’ve lost my dad. She knows he’s step dad but I didn’t realise she saw him as her dad. I feel I’ve let my kids and husband down. And I can’t fix it.

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9 thoughts on “So disappointed in myself

      • I watched the movie “A Lot Like Love” today – with Ashton Kutcher & Amanda Peet. Their relationship went forth and back for almost a decade before giving in to fate. Do not stop reminding him of your regret or how much you love him. Whether he responds or not, curiosity will force him to read it. Use your blog to post your fave photos of him or the 2 of you.

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      • Thank you. I’ve realised I don’t even know if he’s read any of my messages. I’d stick by him. In a way I am. I’m trying to do the right thing n give him space. Everything I do feels wrong. Especially since all I want is him home. Love like this only comes by once in a life time. I know I’ll one day learn to live without him but seriously the bond I have with him is beyond words. He was the first and only person I know who I shared my blog with. I trusted him with everything

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  1. I’m so sorry! Don’t put the blame on you, there are times we see things in a different way and would never imagine an ending like this. I don’t know what events toil him down this path but um sure you and your children have wonderful memories tucked away in your heart thst will also be there until you meet again and will once more be together. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. 💕

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  2. When I was sixteen, I dated this boy who had severe bipolar. For three years I stuck by him through thick and thin. One day, I woke up and I realized he was flushing his medication because he was delusional. I realized he was much more stable with help than he was without help. I tried encouraging him but he saw me as a traitor and that I was siding with “THEM.” The ugly truth is, you cannot help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. The reality is, you did everything, and are continuing to do everything you feel is right in your heart. Nobody can tell you what he is thinking/feeling. If he doesn’t want to share, then he doesn’t want to share. I know, how difficult it is; believe me. When it comes to mental illness, it takes more than your love – he needs to love himself. If he doesn’t, nothing will ever change. I think you should keep doing what you are doing.

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