Why? Why now? Why end it when its not what I wanted. I ended it for two reasons. 1. I thought that after everything I tried that it would shock him and open his eyes to what’s happening and how everyone is affected. I thought he’d contact me. I thought It may have made him realise how much I love him with everything I’ve done to try n support him. That maybe it would kick his arse into accepting the help he’s been offered properly. That he’d take it seriously. I was wrong. I made a mistake. I was desperate for something. And I fucked up. 2. I thought I was doing the right things by kids, but there reactions I got that wrong to. My son came to me last night, he’s gutted. I thought given his n sailors struggles he’d be happier instead he’s not. My baby is wanting to go n get him things he might need to put on the truck. Keeps telling me she’s lost her dad. She’s angry with me to. Look i dont blame the kids.
How can doing so much end so badly. All I wanted was me, sailor n the kids safe and happy. Is that so wrong. To want the man who I made so many plans with. He even started the kids their own businesses so the at they could buy their own houses when we brought ours. We even joked about a 10 year plan. This is not part of the bloody 10 year plan. 18 months into our 3 year savings plan. Half way. How could life be this cruel. We were doing good. Yes we had our problems I’m not going to lie. Bit none big enough to end it all. We were actively sorting issues. We communicated so much better. We had each others backs. In the past I’ve been foolish with the state of my relationships n made many excuses. When depe down I knew they wouldn’t last. But with sailor it was so different. Now I’ve lost him. All for what, I don’t know. I miss him and wish I could undo yesterday. The past 5 weeks. Just want to love him