You can have doubts, niggly thoughts, pesky red flags, what ifs? I’ve had them in past relationships but never listened to my gut, made excuses, stayed and was treated in ways I’m now disgusted in.
Well with my sailor there wasn’t any of that. I’ve dug deep the past few days. Really pushing myself to be real. What I’ve discovered is I married sailor for the right reasons. While we’ve faced our challenges I never doubted my love for him. I’m a naturally insecure person but I’ve learnt to trust myself and my feelings as real. I wasn’t with him because I had to, it wasn’t about loneliness Im with him because I choose to be. I always thought be with the person you can’t live without. But with him I knew I could live without him but don’t want to. Being with him challenged me in many ways. He didn’t make me gain confidence or self worth. He gave me the gift to finally realise I could be the real me and be proud. He without either realise pushed me to explore me, I’ve gained so much confidence in myself. At times he pushed me but it made me see I was loveable, and worthy of being truly happy. I’ve changed from the person we both knew. Not because of pressure or having to. But because I finally felt a sense I could do it. Ive discovered how to push my limits in love, parenting and at school. I’ve learnt to try new things. I learnt who I was and what I value. He taught me to push the limits. I use to laugh when he called me beautiful countless times a day, I’d be embarrassed, I’d hide, until one day I looked and smiled. H taught me to stand up for myself and set personal boundaries. And man did he pay for that a few times when he upset me.
So despite people telling me to just move on, time heals, he’s an arsehole, he’s not worth it, he’s this and that. To me he’s a man that gave me many priceless gifts and memories. He has been an incredible support and a loving husband. I will still defend him yet I won’t make excuses. He has given me what many don’t experience. And even though I’ve written of the hard times especially the past nearly six weeks. They are many many positives id not shared. You all only know my side. There’s his side to. I’ve made mistakes. I wish I can take some back I’m taking responsibility for my failings in our marriage. And I’m real to what is happening and his wrongs. But I’m not going to define my marriage as crap or horrible when I and my husband are the only ones who know the full extent of what we’ve been through. And to be honest even if I’ve been a fool lately. I don’t care because I choose to still treasure my amazing memories