2am

I fell into a restless dreamfilled sleep at about 9:30pm earliest I’ve been to sleep in weeks. But then woke only 2 hours later and now I’m wide awake. I’ve gone through mindfulness meditation a few times and no luck sleeping. While I was asleep I had a dream I was hunting for my missing husband and discovered lots of people searching for him on Facebook. I woke worried. Worried because my dream matched my fears. This week I know 4 different people have tried to ring and text my husband. All said the phone either rang for ages and went to voicemail or he didn’t respond. They’re worried. Some tried their cell, landline and using private numbers. These are his friends to as well as my therapist offering him to pass messages threw her to me. One that tried to call him also emailed and rung his support worker who is away again. No one knows if he left work, came back to our area, or to be honest where he is. I don’t know what to do. I have been told because mental health are likely to know where he is and they won’t confirm anything with me that I’m not able to file a missing persons. I was so worried today I rung all the hospitals in the areas I knew where he’d been in the past 6 weeks. And no admissions under his name. I seriously am at a loss. He talked about people he knew but he was more a loner. I’ve meet his closest friends, family all in another country. His stuff all here aside from a bag of clothes, and he didn’t have much money with him. I’d become ocd with checking him on Facebook so blocked him but have mates regularly checking his page, zero change. I even download APS for phone tracking, which didn’t work. If he’d only didn’t want to see me why would he block everyone and refuse to respond to his friends to. Honestly people wonder why I’m such a mess. Theres no one else to call or visit. And now I don’t know what to do. As much as I’m “taking care” of what I have to I’m a mess. My anxiety is through the roof, depression beginning to kick in and sadly I can see some of my borderline co.ing back no matter how much I do to prevent it. My gut is screaming at me and I can’t stop it. Ive been real. I’ve looked for things I’ve missed. I don’t believe he was unfaithful because he always left his phone about, no locks, full access to see his Facebook etc, nothing hidden. I knew where he was because he was either at home or work n I dropped him off n often popped in due to the nature of his job. Never an issue. I looked for signs in the lead up to him leaving and there wasn’t any. I know he was mentally unwell for months prior he was opening up about his troubles. I know when he left he was unwell. But know I’m just scared. I’m scared for him. It feels surreal that I’ve literary done everything humanly possible and I’m living in a dream like helpless state and I’m desperate to know he’s ok

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One thought on “2am

  1. I’ve been reading silently, but, I just had to respond today. I don’t know how to properly put my words forward, but, I am so sorry that y’all going through this! I’m bipolar and OCD and about 20 other things, so I know the brain tends to work differently for us. I just wanted to say that maybe that’s the reason he’s gone completely radio-silent. Maybe he has broken down so much that he needs to just be somewhere where no one knows him and no one has any expectations of how he should or shouldn’t act. I’m not saying that y’all would do that! But, it is common for us to know someone as they are with us and if they act different to the norm wondering what has gone on. When I’m near the brink, the only thing I want to do is get away from everyone and everything that holds meaning to me because I don’t want to disappoint them by being anything other than the person they know and love. Maybe he’s feeling the same?

    Anyway, that was just my random thought when I read this post and I felt I should share it. If I screwed up or offended you, please delete my post. I don’t want to cause you anymore pain than you’re already in!

    Personally, I think hope is a double-edged sword, it keeps you going through the darkest of times, yet, it can also kill you if it is lost. I think you need to do exactly what you’re doing! Keep the hope alive and make sure that your kids and the animals are ok. But, don’t forget to take time for yourself. If you don’t let yourself have a chance to break down, you might end up having a breakdown (I hope that made the same sense to you as it did to me?) It’s ok to feel like crap. Its ok to want to scream and shout and break stuff. It’s ok to hate him even while you love him! Its also ok to just lay on your bed and cry until there are no more tears. But, and here’s the kicker, once you’ve done that, you need to try and pick yourself up and keep on keeping on!
    Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

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