In some ways. I have a very small support network anyways. Now I feel like I’m burning them all out. Many people have disappeared since hubby left that day. And of the opinion that I should just get rid of his stuff and move on. Even one women I classed as a best friend who was in therapy with us has disappeared refuses to even hear his name. Ok so shes a weird one to start with but this is another level even for her. My mum has reached an angry stage with my sailor. This I do understand but its put me in to the position of having to put on my mask in front of her. My best mate is frustrated with the situation. Don’t blame her at all. She’s very supportive but openly admits she doesn’t know what to say, she’s amazing at letting me vent. My aunty is helping in practical ways which I appreciate. His friends are looking to me for answers I can’t give them. I have a family support worker and a therapist who are massive ladies. There problem is I’ve literary taken on all their advice and they have non left to offer. Then there’s the mental health team who have some of the answers but claim their hands are tied.
So as I sit here I feel like I’ve just become a burden. I’m putting my feet on in front of the other. Made sure my girl had a great party and birthday. That the kids have everything they need. But I don’t. I really miss with sailor is I could just sit with him or lay side by side in silence yet feel content and comforted. A simple hug just an acknowledgement made a lot feel more manageable.
Ive heard it before complex, to heard basket, no hope. That is what I’ve heard people talking about bpd. Now add a married couple both with it. And its reached a fever pitch.
We my hubby and I both wanted and had goals we were both actively working towards. It was simple. We wanted a simple life. To buy small amount of land. Build our very own tiny home. Have gardens, solar power and just live our lives simply and happy.
Maybe we over extended our wants and dreams. Him with the garden business and me studying to become a chef. Kids educated and successful in what ever ways they need. Maybe we got to greedy, started wanting to much. Lost site of what’s important.
I just had $1000,00 put into my account for study costs. I can spend it on what ever I like. And I didn’t even smile. It didn’t bring me joy or happiness. All I thought was who cares. I’ve lived poor my whole life. I learnt four years ago money and things don’t matter. I had someone joke I’d scored well by hubby leaving and not taking any of his stuff including his truck. All I could do was shake my head and say that stuff doesn’t matter. He does. I do. My kids do. His kids do. His granddaughter does. Money never brought me happiness.
I don’t know where life is taking me and I don’t like it. I will keep living cause there’s no other option. But I look around our home and I’m sad. I’m sad that I finally truly got my life I wanted and secretly dreamt off and now that life is gone. I have to rebuild my world I just wish I didn’t have to go 100 steps backwards with no certainty in my future