How to tell him

I’m flipping back and forth, what’s the right or wrong thing to do, do I tell him, do I not. I feel like a lier. I pride myself on being honest with him. I want his honestly. I just don’t know how. I wish he was reading this blog so he already knew and could just call and say I know and I’m here for you. That he already knew about the lump, the tests. I wish he was here with me. I know I shouldn’t just tell him over the phone. I don’t know his reaction and I’d be upset if he was in my position n did that. I’d be hurt he didn’t tell me. Heck id be angry. I’ve thought about not telling him and praying it won’t be breast cancer. But then I’d still have to lye in a few months with the follow up specialist appointment. And I can’t do that to our marriage start lying and being trapped, its so disrespectful. But I don’t see being able to tell him before the tests. Argh its not as simple as just going to see him. I need to think of his mental health to. But I want his support and he as my husband deserves to know. I’ve also realised I have no one to go with me to the appointment, my best mate works n is going away, my mum didn’t realise I was asking her today, she thought I meant I was worried about physically not being able to drive. Normally he’d be by my side. I don’t want to go and get the tests and have to have a biopsy because they believe its cancer. I knew marriage would be good and bad, positive and hard times. But this is breaking me right now. I’m hormonal, I’m tired from lack of sleep and so much on during the days, I’m terrified for myself, I’m worried about him, I’m scared for my mum and am trying to be a good mum. Yet I’m here alone and right now I have no one to call on. I just want my marriage back. I’m upset because I haven’t heard from him today. It scares me, makes me insecure, worried something is changing. I feel clingy n needy. Shit I can’t catch a break at all and its affecting me more then I realised. 

Well that was quick

I got a call from the hospital today. A week ago thebdoc found the lump, sent a referral straight to the hospital. Its been seen by the specialist and been triaged as urgent so I’ve been referred to a private hospital and should hear in a day or two when my appointment for the mammogram, scan and likely biopsy will be fingers crossed it’ll be this week and one way or another I’ll know exactly what’s happening. Now to figure out a way of seeing my husband so I can tell him, as I can’t do it over the phone. And don’t want to freak him by doing the I need to talk to you speach. Not sure what to say but hopefully it’ll come to me

What if I have cancer

Something about the weekends re easier for me I know for two days I won’t have to deal with mental health, doctors, medical, legal etc. But come Sunday my anxiety rises. I text hubby before because I was missing him so much he replied almost straight away. But I wanted to tell him to leave work, just to come home. I want him here. What if I don’t get to see him before my tests what if I have to go alone cause no one has offered to come with me. I’m acting strong but I’m a mess. Knowing this lump isn’t going away on its own. It’s been a week n still not a word from the hospital to when I’ll get the tests done. Do they not care my mums just been tkls she has breast cancer. We have a family history. Yea it might be a cyst, a non cancerous tumour but it also could be breast cancer. Its more then a lump there’s other symptoms. I’m scares. I want my husband to know so he can. Comfort  and reassure me like he does. Why cant I just be selfish and tell him over the phone. Why do I have to care about triggering his mental health. Why is our world’s so messed up that I can’t even tell the man I love. At this stage I don’t care if he demands to come home and look after me. Ive tried being positive, upbeat telling myself it’s nothing just a scare. But then I feel the lump and .y world comes crashing down. I’m terrified I have cancer and there’s nothing I can fucken do to hurry along the tests. Im scares after the scan n mammogram that I’ll need a biopsy. Because then I can’t hide it my mum had hers and wasn’t aloud to use her arm for a few days n had bruising. I’m training to be a chef it’ll be I’m sitting out practicals and people will question it. Me and hubby are going on a date. Even if were not intimate I’ll have to be carefare and he’ll question me. I actually think I’ll go crazy. Everything that’s happened all the pressure and stress. One day things will balance out and I’m scare once the crisis is over I’m going to have a full blown break down. I just want my life back. I feel like a lier and a fraud. I expect honesty and here I am not telling my husband. Yes for good reasons but still lying is lying. Fuck this

Must get sleep so I stop boring you all with so much

Earlier in the week I decided to rind my hubby. And shock me he answered hey babe. I told him I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t expect him to answer. That I missed his voice, he said he missed mine to. We chat about a lot of things, he asked about the kids and my mum, we talked about what he’d been up to n sadly he’s much the same. Sleeping and movies. I told him I’m studying n he told me he was proud. I plucked up the courage and asked him on a date. He shocked me by saying he wanted to so we chatted about going to the movies. He told me he missed me and loved me and when he said goodnight he said sweet dreams, music to my ears 

I felt positive that we’d talked. A few days later I sat there arguing with myself. I was missing him and needing his support. I decided I need to tell him about my lump. So I text and asked if he wanted to catch up the next day my first day off from school n had meetings in the morning but free in the afternoon. And while it didn’t work out because he was leaving for work at lunch time. He was trying to sort us catching up next week.

I felt torn. Happy he was working and asking an effort but sad and disappointed because I miss him so much n need his support. I feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him about the tests. I’m trying to protect him while he’s unwell. I don’t want to trigger him and lose our progress. Or the other side him coming home because he thinks its the right thing to do. I want him to come home when we’re both ready so we have a long strong marriage. Not rush and ruin things

Today I flicked him a text telling him to have a safe trip to work n he replied quickly. O saw his bus at the bus stop n told him. A big part of me just wanted to pull over jump on the bus n tell him how much I love him. But at the same time I couldn’t handle seeing him leave again even tho its for work and he told me where he was going 

I’ve been wanting to contact so much this evening. Then I got scared. We haven’t talked about how I came to find his address or him. It was his boss. I don’t know what his reaction will be when he does find out, I have no problem telling him but I’m worried. Now I’m stressing if I don’t hear from him tomorrow. Its silly. But since we’ve been back in daily contact I’m worried we’ll lose it. When he’s away working we always had contact but because I knew his job I didn’t hassle him. He always text morning n night n called when he could. I’m probably worrying over nothing.

Even though I have support from my mum n best friend and aunty with the lump n tests. I can’t help but feel alone through it. I want not my husbands words but comfort right now. I don’t want to go through it alone. But reality I won’t tell him over the phone and at this point I won’t be able to see him until next Friday if not the following week. He was always a huge support with my health and I can’t help but wish we could go back 3 months get him help so he was home with us and able to support his family like before

1:27am and my heads spinnig

Everything from my husbands mental health and being away from our home, to finding him being in contact. To mums breast cancer and her upcoming surgery to have both breasts removed and likely cemo. To my school loving it but its super intense. To trying to be a good mum to my kids. To the lump mY doc found in my breast and waiting on tests. To trying to juggle everything from the house to finding some time so me n hubby can get together and go on a date to trying to figure out how to tell him about my lump without scarying him and having him either go steps backwards mentally or coming home and wrapping me in cotton wool. Yes there’s positives but there’s so many scary unknowns and waiting for so many answers. 

Please don’t say be patient and have hope that it’ll work out how its meant to. That what dsnt kill ya makes ya stronger. Someone else has it worse or that my struggles don’t mean anything

They’re real they’re big they are my life. I’ve been thrown so many things that I can’t begin to wrap my head around. Having two people I love literary fighting for their lives, my health unknown all the while raising and trying to emotionally support two kids who are struggling. All the while being married but a single mum again struggling to be in fulltime study, work parttime, taking care of all the financial, and all the cooking and cleaning, whilst trying to find time to do therapy, get my marriage on track, taking care n supporting my mama. I’m sleeping but a few hours a night, I have no appetite at all, lost weight, an doctors aren’t supporting my goal to keep mentally week. 

I’m treading water 24/7 trying to keep upbove water. All with responsibilities I can not drop.

I need a break so badly from my mind, to just get a good sleep recharge to be the mum, wife, daughter and student I want to be

I’m so desperate to see my husband

Alots happened this week and I’ll share more tomorrow. But right now I’m so desperate just to see my sailor. To have him hug me, make me forget for just a moment that anything else exists, that no bad things are happening. That things are normal. I just need him. I asked to to catch up tomorrow after my meetings but I’d forgotten he was going away to work. Argh for one moment I want to forget my world is a living hell and feel safe and protected. I’m so grateful he’s trying just wish it was as simple as we could make it happen

Geez it doesn’t rain but it pours

I told my best mate a few days ago when talking about heading to the doctors that my life’s already crazy why not add more crazy by getting checked. I’d convinced myself that the tests would be fine everything would just keep chugging along unti

um went to see the doctor this afternoon. He did an exam and found a lump in my right breast under the vein that came up a few months ago. He said hopefully is innocent, a cyst or something because it moves. But he said something about 3cm (do t kbow if that the guessed size or what) he was surprised it didn’t hurt. I explained I do regular self checks n didn’t notice it. He said cause of mum n the family history he’s sending me for a scan and mammogram asap if I don’t get send by hospital in 3 weeks I’m to go back. He said mum sees oncology they’ll loom into doing gene testing. 

All I can think is my life is like a bad movie that no one would believe because its so crazy but its my life at the moment.

I’m a little nervous if I’m honest

Everyone knows my mums has cancer. I’m heading to the doctors after school. There’s a genetics test I may have to do to see if I have the breast cancer gene. As we have a family history and a few months ago I have breast changes. So I’ve been told I have to go in and have a full exam done. I’m nervous for a few reasons, firstly I’m fiercely private the thought of the exam ties me up in knots. I’m worried about the changes even though highly likely to be hormonal. And the results either I’m negative or positive, if neg awesome but if positive I’ll have an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. Pretty scary. I’ll get it done but I really want to reach out to hubby but I won’t. I’m greatful for school so I’m distracted. Also happy I contact hubby on Saturday and heard back quickly even for him. And I got a goodnight text from him last night. So while I’m scared and nervous I’ve got positives. And hell I’ve been through worse over the last few months so should be a walk in the park

Damn my hubby

Has blind sided me three times in a week. Firstly when I saw him. Secondly when he finally responded to my text then last night he reached out and text me. No pressure, no prompting just him wanting to message. I’m loving it, the little things matter the most. But I’m no sure how to proceed. I didn’t think I’d see him again but I did. I didn’t plan on what would happen if he reacted as well as he did. Then I didn’t think he’d respond to my message then he did. And mostly didn’t expect a text out of the blue. I’m so excited by this really am. But I’m shocked and lost. I’m trying to be calm cool and slow. But I’m not sure what to do next. I keep reaching for my phone to contact him. But my fears of rejection are stopping me. Yet I’m sitting here missing him like crazy. Just want to hug him again

My moods are like a roller coaster

Earlier my son when to give me a hug good night. He’s goes nah mum a proper big hug. He’s a kid who is sweet at 14 he still give me a hug and I love yous countless times a day, before he leaves the house, when he get home, bedtime etc. But it was different.  I said to him whats gotten into you bub and he goes mum I’m happy your happy. When your sad we’re sad. I melted and felt grateful I have such a good teen.

Spoke to my mama she’d had a good day. Rung my best mate and she was happy n we organise us going to dinner at hers tomorrow night.

I had a great but tiring day at school. I’ve realised I’m a lot more knowledgeable about food then I realised, I’m answer questions. I felt like I was asking stupid questions but my chef/tutor was impressed by what I was asking and said so. We were in the kitchen for the first time and I felt I’d come home. We are on real basics today but it brought me confidence.

I picked my baby up from after school care and said don’t forget mum I’m cooking tonight. The teachers looked at me like I was mad when I replied sweet as bub as long as you put dinner on as soon as you get home. She’s 8 and loves cooking helping. She made her tuna rice dinner by her self and proudly dished it up to her brother.

I didn’t hear from my hubby today. Its a catch 22. Because part of me was algood about it, because he needs to get well. Part of me was wanting to text him all day about different things. Like in class we were talking about different bacteria etc and I knew the terms and lots about it cause my hubby spoke of it often. Heck I just want to tell him I’m studying again that I did go back. The other part is frustrating. I have a day off tomorrow and want to text n see if he wants to meet. But I won’t because I made a deal with myself I could text him for his birthday but the next contact had to be from him reaching out. I need to know even with the progress that he wants to fight for me to. Silly I know but I won’t be the only one fighting all the time. 

Now as I lay here I realise just how big this week has been and I’m feeling drained. So many positives have happen after weeks of hell. I’m tired but not. My body hurts but it shows I’ve been working hard. 

I’m feeling right at this moment sad. Because I want to see my sailor and just curl up with his arms around me and sleep. 

My roller coaster moods are challenging as I’m trying to be up beat in front of everyone. Feels quite lonely