I’m angry

Or maybe I’m just hurting. I don’t know I’ve floated through the day aware but not aware. I’ve gotten angry I’ve cried buckets. I’m angry my mummy has cancer and I can’t do anything to make it go away. I’m angry that my sailor isn’t here. I’m angry that mental health is so cruel. I’m angry that my static nerve is playing up and I’m a mix between pain and numb/pins n needles. I’m angry because despite trying different things the only thing that helped was a hot bath and my sailor who’s trained in sports medicine new exactly how to ease my pain. I’m hurt that I text, called and facebooked my husband and no messages have even been seen. I’m angry that I don’t know where he is. I’m angry and hurt he won’t let me see him. I’m angry because I don’t know how to tell my kids that their grandma has cancer. I’m angry because my kids are so worried about me and my low moods that they’re voicing it and I can’t just snap out of it. I’m hurt because I am longing for a hug from my husband. I’m angry I can’t end it with him. I’m angry he won’t end it with me or come back. I’m angry because I have no bloody control over anything. I’m angry because I brought my favourite treats and when I tried to eat them I felt like I’d be sick. I’m angry it hasn’t rained for so long and I’ve got hayfever and meds aren’t helping. And I’m so angry that no matter how tired I am I can’t sleep. 

I’m so god damn angry that bad things keep happening to good people. That those I love most in this world are struggling and broken and I can’t fix it. So fuck cancer, fuck mental health, fuck sciatic nerves, fuck the world. 

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