But every step forward sends me back 10. I’m not contacting my sailor. Can’t refer to him as any but my husband. I’m trying to distract myself. I got angry last night because I had to finally deal with the gardens but it was only moments and it was quickly replaced as well at least he knows I’m trying to take care of stuff. Been trying to find some where to keep his truck so I don’t have to see it and I haven’t the heart to sell it. We have chickens and I’ve finally put them up for rehoming. Quickly I had someone say they’ll take them n pick them up tomorrow. Then I broke down in tears because one side I’m taking a little pressure of cause they take a lot of work but the other side of me feels like I should be keeping them because they are ours. And a big part of the start of our goals to buy land and build our tiny house. I feel I’m letting him down. I’m meant to be starting my chef studies in just over a week yet I can’t seem to find my passion. Again it was my dream but it was a huge step towards our dreams to. Days are getting longer and harder despite trying to look forward. And more then anything I’m still hoping he’ll get well make contact and come home to me. Its a case that I wish my memory and recall was shit so I couldn’t remember all the little and big things that we had.