Attempting

To move forward stings every moment. As you’ll know I was regime our chickens. Today the lady turned up to pick them up. My girl was really sensitive but trying to be positive. My girls let me pick them up with out much trouble got to hug goodbye each chicken. The last one got scared but calmed her. Because I didn’t ask for anything she offer me massage vouchers. A 30 & 60 minute one. I was greatful. I managed to hold my shit together until she left. Then my god the flood gates opened I was ugly crying. The deep feels like its never going to stop tears. For a few reasons. One I’m greatful for the vouchers, but hard for two reasons my sailor was trained massager and that was a treat he gave me when I was struggling or sore. 2nd like do I have to be near naked? Like she’s a stranger. Crazy I know but its like weird shes a traveling one so it’s at my home. I cried for our chickens. And mostly I cried because it was one of the first steps to our dream we we’re working so hard towards. To save hard, buy land and build our very own tiny house, which lead to the kids savings and theirs to. I feel like I let sailor down getting rid of them. Instead of feeling positive for a step. I’ve gone to check the chickens so many times and of course they’re gone. Man twhy drove me crazy at times but I’m missing there noise already. 

As the day worn one I went and stoked up on food, extra petrol vouchers, extra power etc to get ready for school. My girl kept checking on me, telling me to talk about my feels because she’s my daughter and wants to make me all better she doesn’t like me said and wants her sailor home. When I explained that’s yes she’s my baby but adults have to deal with adults things she cried and ran inside. My son finally opened up and told me expected sailor to have been gone a few days and would’ve come straight home. And he is so confused to how any of this has happened. He also said how worried he is about his grandma. I’ve told him what’s happening, about her op etc and that until her specialist n a few weeks we wouldn’t know anymore but any questions we’ll ask on his behalf. He looked so sad.

I also was talking to mum about the cancer. And she let slip that its an aggressive type what ever that means and likely to need cemo and other treatment. Also I was finally told why she didn’t want my sister to know (she does now) and its because while mum was waiting to hear if she had cancer my sister told mum she wanted her to die via text then again over Facebook. 

On top of that last year I did sciatic nerve. I’ve the past month its been getting steadily worse. Sailor being trained use to do what the physio did. And other times if it started hurting he’d know the right spot and with his fist put all his body weight into it. Man it hurt like hell but once it released or how I describe it as popped. I’d get instant relief.

Sometimes I wish he didn’t treat me so damn well then him being gone would be easier to deal with

Why is everything so hard and why is it all I want is to curl up in my sailors arms and feel safe again

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One thought on “Attempting

  1. I don’t know what to say my friend…it’s a step by step process. It’s part of letting go. Wish I could say it’s easy but it’s not. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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