Yesterday being our anniversary I was struggling, unable to focus, I felt triggered, sad, frustrated. I felt this wasn’t going to end and I felt powerless. So I finally rung his friend and boss. I left him a message explaining I loved sailor, but I needed a forwarding address so I could get his stuff to him. My best mate turned up we were discussing again what I could do, i was scared coz earlier I’d found a half empty packet of panadol in sailors truck. He hated taking this even when he was sick. I sent alarm bells. Then his boss rung. Upset I told him sailor had been in hospital I wanted the best for him a and how much I loved him, that I needed to know where he was to drop his stuff off. I explain sailor wouldn’t end the marriage, i asked if he’d been ok at work a few weeks ago and he replied he wasn’t and wasn’t himself. He then gave me sailors address and told me sorry he couldn’t be more help and if I needed anything to call.
With this I rung my mum told her she came straight over to watch the kids. I briefly told my son I’d found him my boy smiled so hard. I cuddled my girl and I got his wedding ring. Me n my bestmate got in my car and headed straight him. I was so nervous believing that the end of my marriage was close.
We arrived at the accommodation he was staying at a lovely lady let us in and showed us to his room. I knocked on the door and there was my husband. The look of shock at seeing us then he melted. I said please just give me a minute she nodded and I followed him out side, my bf waited behind. I stood in front of him and his eyes were down. I asked him to look at me as he looked up he saw my wedding ring and he had tears. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I replied don’t say anything just listen. I told him i know your sick, you need time (i could see how much pain he was in) but do you want me to wait he looked me straight in the eyes and said please wait. Iasked him if he remebered day it was and he said of course I couldn’t forget our anniversary. He come forward and wrapped me in the tightest hug, having to hold me up because I was shaking so bad. I whispered I love you and he said he loved me to. He told me he feels useless, and he described how he’s been feeling. Tears streaming down his face. I gently lift his face and told him he’s intelligent, smart, loving and no useless. He pulled me into another hug. I whisper baby I’m not leaving you, I’m not abandoning you, I’ll wait, that he’s my best friend and husband, all his stuffs still at home. That he has 5 children, a grandchild and a wife who needs and loves him. I pulled away and told him he had no Idea what I’d done to find him and he thanked me for finding him and not giving up. I told him he’d better not take off again cause I’d go back to being the crazy stalker bitch and find him he laughed. He hugged me again I asked him if I should go, not wanting to push him. He nodded. I said one more thing he asked what. I told him I had his ring in the car and could I give it back to him. He smiled through tears and said please.
I walked past my bf and she looked puzzled I replied I’m getting his ring. I raced to the car and straight back. I walked back to them and she gave him a hug and was reassuring him. I looked at him and handed him his ring. He slipped it straight on. I told him I’d go and to make contact when he’s ready. I asked if he had the same number and he said yes, I replied I knew it your a stubborn prick he smiled and said you are to. We hugged, told each other we loved each other. And I walked away.
Getting into the car me and my bestie burst into tears. She goes hunny he loves you. She’d told him I’d not given up. He told her he wanted to ring and text everyday but didn’t know what to say and he was so sorry. He thanked her for looking after us.
Getting home I was able to tell my mum and kids I’d seen him and he was ok. The relief was instant. And while this doesn’t take away the pain and heartache we’ve been through its given me answers a short 5-10 visit. Its given me a lot of hope that somehow we can begin slowly to navigate this together. I’m so greatful I got to see for myself that he is alive. I see how mentally unwell he is and that breaks me but it also backs what mybgut has been screaming at me for 8 weeks 1 day. We have one hell of a road ahead of us, but one we both want together. I feel blessed to have seen him, hold each other and hear the beautiful words I love you. My husband held me the same way on our wedding day. I’m dealt o the fact this is a baby step. But answers Idesperately sort for weeks. I know I’ll wait for him and walk beside him as he gets his health worked on. We face challenges as individuals, a couple and as a family. But I truly am grateful