What if I have cancer

Something about the weekends re easier for me I know for two days I won’t have to deal with mental health, doctors, medical, legal etc. But come Sunday my anxiety rises. I text hubby before because I was missing him so much he replied almost straight away. But I wanted to tell him to leave work, just to come home. I want him here. What if I don’t get to see him before my tests what if I have to go alone cause no one has offered to come with me. I’m acting strong but I’m a mess. Knowing this lump isn’t going away on its own. It’s been a week n still not a word from the hospital to when I’ll get the tests done. Do they not care my mums just been tkls she has breast cancer. We have a family history. Yea it might be a cyst, a non cancerous tumour but it also could be breast cancer. Its more then a lump there’s other symptoms. I’m scares. I want my husband to know so he can. Comfort  and reassure me like he does. Why cant I just be selfish and tell him over the phone. Why do I have to care about triggering his mental health. Why is our world’s so messed up that I can’t even tell the man I love. At this stage I don’t care if he demands to come home and look after me. Ive tried being positive, upbeat telling myself it’s nothing just a scare. But then I feel the lump and .y world comes crashing down. I’m terrified I have cancer and there’s nothing I can fucken do to hurry along the tests. Im scares after the scan n mammogram that I’ll need a biopsy. Because then I can’t hide it my mum had hers and wasn’t aloud to use her arm for a few days n had bruising. I’m training to be a chef it’ll be I’m sitting out practicals and people will question it. Me and hubby are going on a date. Even if were not intimate I’ll have to be carefare and he’ll question me. I actually think I’ll go crazy. Everything that’s happened all the pressure and stress. One day things will balance out and I’m scare once the crisis is over I’m going to have a full blown break down. I just want my life back. I feel like a lier and a fraud. I expect honesty and here I am not telling my husband. Yes for good reasons but still lying is lying. Fuck this


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