Whrn you feel like its your fault

But logically know its not. I know that if someone’s intent on attempting suicide that there’s nothing another person can do to stop them. Maybe you can for a day, a week, a month but if that’s what they want they’ll do it. I know I couldn’t have stopped him my god I tried. I’m grateful he was found and cut down and lived. I’m grateful I didn’t lose my best friend my world. Is it not hard enough, the guilt for not stopping him, self blame for not pushing to get him more help, fear it’ll happen again. Is it not enough that I’ve only recently learned of this horrific experience he had. But to learn in the police report that they believed it was because of our marriage even tho he refused to talk about why. And he has told me it was no way my fault. Is it not enough they never told me. Is it not enough that I begged for him to get help. To feel attacked and blamed just fuels the pain and guilt. My heart feels broken tonight as I try and busy myself from the thought of what if, if only. From the thoughts that I nearly lost my precious sailor, I nearly had to bury a man who is so amazing and loved, cherished and needed. This is something I don’t even know how tobegin to process. Thank god he is seeking help and allowing me to support him. I just don’t know how to stop thinking, thoughts swirling, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears threatening to overflow. Thank god my darling is alive

I want to write but 

I can’t work out how. I’m not sure where to even start. My mum just had surgery it went well, my hubby and I a making progress and were filling in each other on the 2 months apart. Schools going well. But it’s so intense and emotionally draining. I really don’t know where to turn. I’ve had news that broke my heart but respected being told. So huge I don’t even know if I should share here. But I need to release it. Argh I happy but scared. 

So angry 

My husband shared a police reports of problems with our neighbour before Christmas and his breakdown. I’m so angry throughout the reports they have out right lied, withheld information, blamed my husband and I. They’re reasoning we’re mentally unwell. That they are correct, however especially my husband’s mental health went down hill after weeks of verbal abuse, to us and our kids, 3 cars and property damged, abuse from the kids and the parents. I haven’t told my husband but it has continued since he left. They claimed we refused mental health support, that is incorrect. That they referred us to victim support they didn’t nor did they turn up. Claimed housing mangers turned up countless times, our one never did but his manger did once.  These kids are out of control, swearing, violence, kicked out of school, trashing their houses, theft and the list goes on. Yet here we are blamed. I’m speechless. Because we couldn’t just move they stated they couldn’t do anything more to help us. Issue, we’re in a housing crisis in my town and there’s no fucken houses to move to. So this vile scum of society can terrorise people and we as the victims are blamed for it. Shit I’m fucken ropeable

A lot to catch up on BT right now I’m grateful for my husband

Its Sunday night here and on Tuesday morning I’m going in for my tests, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy to find out if the 3cm lump in my breast is cancer or not. And I’m terrified. No ones wanted to let me talk about it they just say I’m going to be ok, not to stress to much etc. With mums diagnosis and upcoming op having both breasts removed and cemo, people aren’t wanting to think about the possibility of me having cancer. Yes I’m young but we have a family history plus I have more symptoms then just the lump. I am hoping I’m freaking out over nothing but still. The fear is overwhelming. 

Anyways I rung my hubby, I just needed to hear his voice. We chatted a bit then I asked him if he wanted to stay tomorrow night since the appointment is early Tuesday. He has his appointment with his phycologist in the afternoon n he said he needs time to reflect. I’m fully ok with that and am proud he’s going and happy he’s putting his health before his wants. I talked to him about how I keep changing what I need in the way of his support at the appointment. I originally didn’t want anyone there. Then that he came but waited in the waiting room. Bow I want to do the mammogram on my own but have him in there for the rest. He said he’ll go with the flow with what I need. Then he goes would ya let me take photos of the nurse playing with ya boobs. Man I laughed then realised how much I loved him. We were just laughing and I told him I was hoping he’d come and make me laugh and distract me. He cracked up when I said if he felt the need to take photos he could, he replied only if its a hot nurse hun. I know it sounds silly but that’s us we laugh through really tough moments. And it worked in relaxing me alottle. 

He then said babe you’ll be ok, either way you’ll be ok. I need to hear that from him so much. Just knowing he’ll be there means so much even more after everything that’s happening. God I hope I don’t have cancer. That it’ll all be for nothing and ill laugh about it. I am surprised tho because my stress for myself is no where near what I’ve faced for my hubby or mum. I’m just scared. I want to be well. To keep studying. To keep being here for my kids, hubby n mum. I need to be well to support them I just can’t have cancer.

Thank god for my Hubby’s words n laughter

How the hell do I stop the insecurities

Last night and today have been really bad. I know I’m over reacting, but my anxiety is raging. I heard from my hubby yesterday afternoon. But when I didn’t get a text last night I felt rejected. I thought today fuck ya I won’t contact him. Kept busy at school as soon as I drove home anxious again. Yesterday he said he was back in our area today. Bus either arrives just after 3 or 8pm depending. Hit 3:10 n I was angry. I’m being stubborn by not contacting him. But its killing me not knowing if he’s back, coming back or more time at work. All three are possible. I’ve got into the negative thoughts that he doesn’t want me. That he would’ve been better off if I didn’t find him. He’s had days and work we did see each other n minimal contact. Its normal for his work. So why the hell am I over reacting so badly. Feeling like the worst wife. 

I then got a missed call and text from my so called mental health support worker which triggered me. After a month she finally made contact assuming everything’s great offering to catch up. But still hasnt referred me to a physicist or therapy. Last time she told me I needed neither. That I should quit my course, sell my husbands stuff and move on. Basically made me feel worse about myself 

I talked to my mum who informed me she’s either having both her breasts off on either 23rd or 30th. Suddenly it was to much and to soon. Even tho I want her in asap. And its made me realise with cemo she actually has cancer and I can’t bury my head any longer. 

I chatted with my tutor and explained my tests and biopsy next week. They were great are allowing me to change my time table and with the practical kitchen classes I can sit in since I won’t be aloud to use my arm. And that felt to real.

And to top it off I’m irrational. I’m pissed at my best friend. She has done nothing wrong at all n a huge support. I’m angry cause she’s busy on a Tuesday n I really need a friend.

I’m over feeling crazy and alone. God I pray I don’t have cancer cause seriously I can deal with anymore bad news. I’m broken and right now trying to hold off tears until my kids are tucked into bed. I’m just so tired. Everything is aching and I just want and need a good night sleep and for a tiny break from huge things happening. Maybe I’ve pushed things this past week with my husband seeing him 3 days. Taking kids n mum to see him. Bringing up things that hurt me. On top of telling him about my lump and him asking about mums cancer 

Shit its just dawned on me that I’ve pushed my mentally unwell husband and god it feels like I’m losing him all over again.

I thought life got easier. Bit these past 3 months have been a living hell and I’m just so tired

My husband and kids

And my mama. The most important people in my world. And yesterday I took them to Hubby’s work, wheelchair rugby bash. First times they’d seen each other in nearly 3 months. We pulled up and hubby was outside. As soon as I stopped the car the kids jumped out. My girl looked at me and goes my sailor mummy my sailor. I smiled and go see him bub. I looked over at him as he embraced my son then my daughter. Big smile on his face. He then turned to mum n gave her a big hug to. Emotionally I nearly broke seeing them so happy together, the moment I wanted. It was a up n down visit for me. A few things negatively affected me. But we stayed a few hours n after the game we hung out a bit. I also got to catch up with a few of his friends. Once we got back to my mums I filled her in on how I was feeling. She looked at me and told me to go back and talk to him so I did. I believe he may have had a lightbuy moment, realising how insecure and on edge I am. He heard me when I said I need his reassurance and gave me that. He ended up having to take his boss him about 4 hours ago and I was hoping he’d be back today. But he has to stay another day. I just want to curl up in his arms right now. The weekend was draining even though it was positive and progress. My kids are both emotional to. It was such a big step. For all of us my hubby included. 

a big part of me feels proud for standing up for myself but the other part feels bad. I know I’ve enabled him for to long so I’m trying not to. I’m struggling with the balance. I’m also struggling if he doesn’t respite  to my texts within half an hour I’m getting anxious n upset, its making me feel rejected. Partly its because he’s working n his jobs super intense and long hours plus traveling. Logically I know I’m over reacting emotionally I can’t stop it. It scares me that he’s away. Because I’m scared he’ll leave again. Even though he’s shown no signs of that. Argh why can I just be content with the massive progress instead of feeling anxious. I hate depression

I think I need to admit it

I’ve gone from stressed to suffering depression again. I know it’s not the bpd, and I’m not having self harm or suicidal thoughts which happened with bpd. But I know I’ve slipped into depression in spite of doing everything right. Keeping busy, taking care of the kids and me. All the basics. But I realised as i be been crying that I’ve had a shift. I’m struggling to find the positives. I saw my husband today and he was so happy to see me just beaming. Instead of focusing on that I’m focused on the fact he wants to fast track the plans to buy land and I feel as though I have no say even thought he’s taking on board what I’m saying and taking. Tomorrow I’ll take my mum n kids to see him. The first time in since he left. The kids are excited but nervous. I’ve wanted this for so long and bow I’m just anxious on how it’ll go. I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit in his life anymore. I should be happy I’m seeing the specialist n getting tests done in just over a week. Instead I’m angry that I have to wait. My mums getting a surgery an both breast removed and I’m scared because she has to go off the meds that have saved her life with asthma so she doesn’t bleed out on the table. Course has been so intense but next week I’m only there 2 days and I’m not coping with not having plans to keep me busy.

Meds have never worked for me so I know the only option is my dbt skills. I just wish the stupid key worker had referred me to the physic doc and therapy. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my corner. I hate been so fearful of everything and I hate I’ve allowed myself to sink into depression again. I hate mental health and cancer. That my mind is telling me my husband will leave me and doesn’t love me. When he’s told me time and time again he won’t and he does love me. Our 1st wedding anniversary is on the 18th and I can not understand how this has happened when I thought we’d have still been happy. I completely feel like I’ve failed as a wife. I knew I bloody knew my whole life not to get married cause I’d just stuff it all up. Shit I was right. Fucked my marriage before a year. Just love my fucken life

Trying to shift my focus

From the negatively and bad thoughts. Im trying to curb the insecurities I’m feeling. I’m trying to be understanding and see things from Hubby’s view. But instead of succeeding I’m failing miserably. At the moment for work he’s staying about 5 minutes away. I know he’s working, what motel n room he’s in. The people he’s with. And normally I’m completely ok with it and miss him. But tonight I’m jealous. That he’s with a heap if work/friends. I’m jealous they get his friendship and focus. I’m jealous that they can hang out and chat. They’re good people who I’ve meet before a few times and don’t have an issue with them. I’m not concerned about what he’s doing or who he’s with. It’s a different jealous. I want to call him and even tho he’ll answer I know its not the right thing to do. But because of the past 2 1/2 months I’ve changed from a strong, secure women to a jealous, insecure, weak minded fearful women. I hate it. I trust him. But I’m mind fucking myself but thinking well over thinking so mqny things. Feeling like an idiot. I don’t want to share my husband’s time with anyone. I want him her with me end of story

Feeling insecure

And down at the moment. I surprised my husband by turning up at a work/sport advent. He kbow I may have been going. The look of happiness on his face, big kiss and hug. His mates and boss looked shocked to see me. It was great but hard. My anxiety had been high no knowing the welcome I’d get but it was good. While I was there I checked my mum n kids could go to a game tomorrow and he was happy and agreed. He also spoke again about buying land (we’ve been saving for land and house) I was upset. He apologised. It felt like he was distancing himself because the land would be out of town. He seemed genuinely surprised and said he’s not going without me. But he’s turning 50 next year and wants to move on it all. I kinda dropped it after putting my 2 cents in. Telling him if we wait another 18months if that we can use both our savings. I do get were he’s coming from. But he seems like he’s flipped to a mental health high instead of low. I don’t know where I fit in his life anymore. I feel on the outside looking in. I feel powerless and hurt. In some ways he knows how hurt I am in others its like he’s clueless to how this is affecting me. He’s stuck on he only has another 15 odd years of earning time before he’s to old. I said to him are you forgetting I’m training to become a chef. He replied not long babe you’ll fully train. He has said that he can buy the land now an we can use my savings for the house. Its like he thinks he has to do it on his own. He’s at this point avoiding further talk about the possibility of me having breast cancer. I need him. I know he’ll go to the appointment but I can’t pretend I’m not terrified. I also so my mum she’s completely overwhelmed today. Everything’s getting to me. Everything’s out of control and I feel unsupported and alone with my life. I feel like I don’t matter. And I’m at the bottom of everyone’s priority list. Where as everyone else is at the top of mine. I’m sitting fighting tears as reality is sinking in. I’m scared I’ve got cancer. I’m scared my mum will die and Im Scared my husband will drift further away without realising and us and our marriage will end. I feel like I’m being punished for other peoples actions. I know now the final trigger for my husband leaving was the harassment from the neighbours. Nothing to do with me or the kids. I feel like we’ve been punished for them. And its not bloody fair. I want my husband home. Simple I want him home. And while we’re here its not likely to happen and we can’t move because were in a housing shortage. I’m sick of putting everyone else’s feelings first. Why can’t they put mine first for once I’m sick of feeling excluded. I’m sick of having no where I fit. I’m sick of feeling like this. I thought I’d crash mentally after mums op n cemo, she my hubby is home and things settle but I think its happening now instead 

Wondering where I fit in

I’m so busy trying to to the right thing by everyone, put everyones needs up there that I don’t know where I fit anymore. Ok so its 2 in the morning I’m emotional, physically in pain and well over thinking. But I realised I don’t know where I fit into my husband’s life, my mums, my kids, my best mates. I’m feeling incredibly lost and uncertain. Feels like. Oh who fucken cares I’m just another stupid women constantly ranting to strangers on the internet. This feeling I’m use to