Feeling insecure

And down at the moment. I surprised my husband by turning up at a work/sport advent. He kbow I may have been going. The look of happiness on his face, big kiss and hug. His mates and boss looked shocked to see me. It was great but hard. My anxiety had been high no knowing the welcome I’d get but it was good. While I was there I checked my mum n kids could go to a game tomorrow and he was happy and agreed. He also spoke again about buying land (we’ve been saving for land and house) I was upset. He apologised. It felt like he was distancing himself because the land would be out of town. He seemed genuinely surprised and said he’s not going without me. But he’s turning 50 next year and wants to move on it all. I kinda dropped it after putting my 2 cents in. Telling him if we wait another 18months if that we can use both our savings. I do get were he’s coming from. But he seems like he’s flipped to a mental health high instead of low. I don’t know where I fit in his life anymore. I feel on the outside looking in. I feel powerless and hurt. In some ways he knows how hurt I am in others its like he’s clueless to how this is affecting me. He’s stuck on he only has another 15 odd years of earning time before he’s to old. I said to him are you forgetting I’m training to become a chef. He replied not long babe you’ll fully train. He has said that he can buy the land now an we can use my savings for the house. Its like he thinks he has to do it on his own. He’s at this point avoiding further talk about the possibility of me having breast cancer. I need him. I know he’ll go to the appointment but I can’t pretend I’m not terrified. I also so my mum she’s completely overwhelmed today. Everything’s getting to me. Everything’s out of control and I feel unsupported and alone with my life. I feel like I don’t matter. And I’m at the bottom of everyone’s priority list. Where as everyone else is at the top of mine. I’m sitting fighting tears as reality is sinking in. I’m scared I’ve got cancer. I’m scared my mum will die and Im Scared my husband will drift further away without realising and us and our marriage will end. I feel like I’m being punished for other peoples actions. I know now the final trigger for my husband leaving was the harassment from the neighbours. Nothing to do with me or the kids. I feel like we’ve been punished for them. And its not bloody fair. I want my husband home. Simple I want him home. And while we’re here its not likely to happen and we can’t move because were in a housing shortage. I’m sick of putting everyone else’s feelings first. Why can’t they put mine first for once I’m sick of feeling excluded. I’m sick of having no where I fit. I’m sick of feeling like this. I thought I’d crash mentally after mums op n cemo, she my hubby is home and things settle but I think its happening now instead 


5 thoughts on “Feeling insecure

  1. You are SO
    important! Sometimes those who love us most can not handle the possibility we will not be with them. Love you first girl because you are amazing! Yay for you going to the game!!!!!!!!


  2. No one is going to put your feelings first but you. If you wait for someone to think of you before themselves, you’re going to be disappointed. It’s everyone’s job to take care of themselves first. Your hubby may still be having mental health issues. Just because he seems “up” , that may be a manic episode, part of the bipolar cycle. I don’t know what his diagnosis is, but he fled, then was found or returned and now he’s up again. Sounds cyclic. And I understand how much all the stress has made you feel like you want to be the one to collapse and be taken care of. I don’t know much about your life, but I do know that if you have one or two people you can confide in you may be surprised by how much support you’ll find around you.


    • I know your right. He’s still very unwell. Manic is what I was meaning. When he’s manic he fixates on one or two things and has huge ideas and goals. Then if try don’t turn out perfectly he crashes. I know he’s been diagnosed with bpd. But 100% believe he has bipolar. But no one will listen and find out for sure. Yup I need to be taken care of for once, waiting on tests to find out if I have cancer is a final straw in a long road. Just miss my husbands support and caring

      Liked by 1 person

      • You absolutely should not wait on those terrorists. Cancer is nothing to be fooled around with. And if it helps you to feel a little more optimistic, I’m living with a wife who has now survived two bouts of cancer. The treatments are tough, but recovery is probable.


  3. I’ve been pushed through quickly for our country the appointment is in a little over a week. That does help thanks for sharing. Just a cruel world coz my mum was diagnosed a month ago with breast cancer and having double mas n cemo. and my hubby fighting mentally to stay alive. Ilk snap out of it


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