I think I need to admit it

I’ve gone from stressed to suffering depression again. I know it’s not the bpd, and I’m not having self harm or suicidal thoughts which happened with bpd. But I know I’ve slipped into depression in spite of doing everything right. Keeping busy, taking care of the kids and me. All the basics. But I realised as i be been crying that I’ve had a shift. I’m struggling to find the positives. I saw my husband today and he was so happy to see me just beaming. Instead of focusing on that I’m focused on the fact he wants to fast track the plans to buy land and I feel as though I have no say even thought he’s taking on board what I’m saying and taking. Tomorrow I’ll take my mum n kids to see him. The first time in since he left. The kids are excited but nervous. I’ve wanted this for so long and bow I’m just anxious on how it’ll go. I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit in his life anymore. I should be happy I’m seeing the specialist n getting tests done in just over a week. Instead I’m angry that I have to wait. My mums getting a surgery an both breast removed and I’m scared because she has to go off the meds that have saved her life with asthma so she doesn’t bleed out on the table. Course has been so intense but next week I’m only there 2 days and I’m not coping with not having plans to keep me busy.

Meds have never worked for me so I know the only option is my dbt skills. I just wish the stupid key worker had referred me to the physic doc and therapy. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my corner. I hate been so fearful of everything and I hate I’ve allowed myself to sink into depression again. I hate mental health and cancer. That my mind is telling me my husband will leave me and doesn’t love me. When he’s told me time and time again he won’t and he does love me. Our 1st wedding anniversary is on the 18th and I can not understand how this has happened when I thought we’d have still been happy. I completely feel like I’ve failed as a wife. I knew I bloody knew my whole life not to get married cause I’d just stuff it all up. Shit I was right. Fucked my marriage before a year. Just love my fucken life

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5 thoughts on “I think I need to admit it

  1. It’s not surprising you feel depressed when there is so much shit in your life now. Don’t add to your stress by kicking yourself for being human. Yes, I know, easier said than done. May you feel strength.

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  2. I know only a small piece of your life, as anyone does that reads our blogs. But girl, my heart swelled for you reading your words. I deal with depression too and what I’ve noticed lately is that my depression is actually a result of my anxiety and not the circumstances i may be facing. For example, my anxiety tells me my husband feels a certain way about me, not anything my husband actually said or did. But, what i really was drawn to comment about was something I noticed that likely slipped right through your fingers as you typed and that’s how amazingly strong of a woman you are. Like, I’m sincerely worried that you don’t even see it. You are incredible. Not only are you doing school and likely work, but your operating as a single mother while still maintaining the commitment of your marriage. That alone is something incredible, but on top of all that you’re dealing with your mom having cancer as well as the very real threat that you may have it as well. Your strength is beyond admirable and I only pray that you could see yourself through my eyes.

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    • Your words just gave me a lightbulb moment. I think its the anxiety that’s affecting me. Maybe not depressed but anxiety and lack of sleep is bringing me down. Its like I have the anxiety from fear and unknown then anxiety when something goes well and I have fear its not going to last. I do mindfulness meditation daily for sleep trying for anxiety to now. Thank you. I have always been a person who stretches herself to thin in holding the fort so to speak. And id forgotten how challenging being a single mum is even tho I was one for year. Thanks for your comment. Especially the end because I’ve been wanting the same for my husband maybe time I see it in myself to

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  3. You are an amazing, strong woman. You have not f’d up your marriage. You are going through readjusting to the fact that your husband is still there after trying to come to terms that he might not be. Then your mother with her health and now even yourself. Any one of these things would put anyone down but you have survived…you are still doing what ever you need to do. You just need to see it from the outside. We all see it here. I hope and pray that you see it. Hugs my friend.

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