I’ve gone from stressed to suffering depression again. I know it’s not the bpd, and I’m not having self harm or suicidal thoughts which happened with bpd. But I know I’ve slipped into depression in spite of doing everything right. Keeping busy, taking care of the kids and me. All the basics. But I realised as i be been crying that I’ve had a shift. I’m struggling to find the positives. I saw my husband today and he was so happy to see me just beaming. Instead of focusing on that I’m focused on the fact he wants to fast track the plans to buy land and I feel as though I have no say even thought he’s taking on board what I’m saying and taking. Tomorrow I’ll take my mum n kids to see him. The first time in since he left. The kids are excited but nervous. I’ve wanted this for so long and bow I’m just anxious on how it’ll go. I can’t help but feel like I don’t fit in his life anymore. I should be happy I’m seeing the specialist n getting tests done in just over a week. Instead I’m angry that I have to wait. My mums getting a surgery an both breast removed and I’m scared because she has to go off the meds that have saved her life with asthma so she doesn’t bleed out on the table. Course has been so intense but next week I’m only there 2 days and I’m not coping with not having plans to keep me busy.
Meds have never worked for me so I know the only option is my dbt skills. I just wish the stupid key worker had referred me to the physic doc and therapy. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my corner. I hate been so fearful of everything and I hate I’ve allowed myself to sink into depression again. I hate mental health and cancer. That my mind is telling me my husband will leave me and doesn’t love me. When he’s told me time and time again he won’t and he does love me. Our 1st wedding anniversary is on the 18th and I can not understand how this has happened when I thought we’d have still been happy. I completely feel like I’ve failed as a wife. I knew I bloody knew my whole life not to get married cause I’d just stuff it all up. Shit I was right. Fucked my marriage before a year. Just love my fucken life