How the hell do I stop the insecurities

Last night and today have been really bad. I know I’m over reacting, but my anxiety is raging. I heard from my hubby yesterday afternoon. But when I didn’t get a text last night I felt rejected. I thought today fuck ya I won’t contact him. Kept busy at school as soon as I drove home anxious again. Yesterday he said he was back in our area today. Bus either arrives just after 3 or 8pm depending. Hit 3:10 n I was angry. I’m being stubborn by not contacting him. But its killing me not knowing if he’s back, coming back or more time at work. All three are possible. I’ve got into the negative thoughts that he doesn’t want me. That he would’ve been better off if I didn’t find him. He’s had days and work we did see each other n minimal contact. Its normal for his work. So why the hell am I over reacting so badly. Feeling like the worst wife. 

I then got a missed call and text from my so called mental health support worker which triggered me. After a month she finally made contact assuming everything’s great offering to catch up. But still hasnt referred me to a physicist or therapy. Last time she told me I needed neither. That I should quit my course, sell my husbands stuff and move on. Basically made me feel worse about myself 

I talked to my mum who informed me she’s either having both her breasts off on either 23rd or 30th. Suddenly it was to much and to soon. Even tho I want her in asap. And its made me realise with cemo she actually has cancer and I can’t bury my head any longer. 

I chatted with my tutor and explained my tests and biopsy next week. They were great are allowing me to change my time table and with the practical kitchen classes I can sit in since I won’t be aloud to use my arm. And that felt to real.

And to top it off I’m irrational. I’m pissed at my best friend. She has done nothing wrong at all n a huge support. I’m angry cause she’s busy on a Tuesday n I really need a friend.

I’m over feeling crazy and alone. God I pray I don’t have cancer cause seriously I can deal with anymore bad news. I’m broken and right now trying to hold off tears until my kids are tucked into bed. I’m just so tired. Everything is aching and I just want and need a good night sleep and for a tiny break from huge things happening. Maybe I’ve pushed things this past week with my husband seeing him 3 days. Taking kids n mum to see him. Bringing up things that hurt me. On top of telling him about my lump and him asking about mums cancer 

Shit its just dawned on me that I’ve pushed my mentally unwell husband and god it feels like I’m losing him all over again.

I thought life got easier. Bit these past 3 months have been a living hell and I’m just so tired


13 thoughts on “How the hell do I stop the insecurities

  1. I have no answers for you. But I was wondering what you were working on it school. Maybe it would help take your mind off your problems to write about that a little. You really are a terrific writer and I’m sorry you have so much stress right now.

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  2. I’m going to make a suggestion that may sound like it would be pointless but if you try it I believe it will help. Brains are odd. They believe what comes out of our mouths. So when we get on an ‘out of control roll’ – our brain goes ‘oh, okay, that’s what we believe’. So the ‘out of control roll’ needs to be derailed. Pick a word. Any word that doesn’t have emotional meaning for you. Bacon. Or cowabunga. Or camel-di-do. It doesn’t matter whether it is a real word or a made up word. When you recognize you are on that ‘roll’ repeat your chosen word over and over until you derail the unhelpful thoughts. Don’t scream it. Don’t rush it. Say it calmly and firmly over and over. Like you might with a skiddish horse. I love to hear how it works for you.

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  3. I can’t offer anymore than what’s been said here … Except as someone who has lived with anxiety and depression all my life, I can relate. I also get caught up in negative thoughts …. And distraction and changing gears, and breathing …. Oh wait a minute I do have one idea I have done in the past …. Music. Sometimes when I’m going through a bad patch I used to make mixed tapes (cassettes, then burning CDs, these days it’s creating a playlist on YouTube …. If you like music and have some time, I find it can be healing to find and listen to music …. But know that all of us who follow your blog are rooting (how do you spell that word lol) and sending positive and healing vibes your way! 🙏🏻

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  4. It’s been a while. Think about you often, and what you have been going through for so long. My daughter is trying to get mental help, but the county where she lives doesn’t have good counselors like in my county, next one over. When she was evaluated, they said she was bi-polar, then they changed it to boarder-line personality. What???? Now she can’t get medication that will help her in daily life. Depression is overwhelming her. It is so hard for me, because I feel helpless to help her. She can’t go to place I go, because she doesn’t live here. Really bad situation. Praying for you and family. Stick with your sailor. He is going through life’s hardships. I know you of course know this, but keep it in mind, as well for you. Prayers for your Mom for breast cancer. Your friend, Ruth ❤

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